.Signs You Should Give up on a Book.

You may know by now that I love to read. There are so many good books out there and time is limited to read them all. Every day thousands of new books get published. So what can you do? Usually, I will give a book fifty pages to convince me to read on or put it down. After years and years of passionately reading, I know the language and style that catches my attention in a heartbeat. But overall I believe, fifty pages in is a good way to decide if the book is good or not. Here are some other options and signs you should give up on a book. Enjoy.

You can’t stop thinking about the characters and how you’d like to rewrite them as characters from books you’ve actually enjoyed reading. Like the books I have written, for example. You find yourself regularly reaching for the book to squash the silverfish in your apartment.

You keep having to reread the first chapter because you’ve been distracted by an article about Dwayne Johnson’s movies, ranked from best to worst.

You’re ten pages into the book and think a murder investigation would really liven things up right about now. (You are reading “Little Women.”)

You’re twenty minutes into reading the book and just now realize you’ve been asleep the whole time.

You’re twenty years into reading the book and it’s the only book that hasn’t been burned or rewritten by robot overlords, and yet you still can’t seem to get emotionally invested in the story.

The book has been described as “thrilling” and “captivating,” but by readers who play badminton or golf.

You want to stick with the book for the first hundred pages before deciding whether you should abandon it, but at your current pace it will take you a year to get through a single page.

You wait for the book to initiate physical contact.

The blurb on the back of the book says, “It will catch your attention eventually, I promise.”

You stay up all night, tearing through the pages of the book, only you’re not reading the actual words, you’re just looking for the page in which you tucked a piece of scrap paper with your Gmail password on it.

You were thinking about Dwayne Johnson’s performance in “The Tooth Fairy,” which leads you to Google whether he was nominated for an Oscar for that film, which then somehow leads you to click on an article about the best hand creams for mature skin, and now you can’t remember what the book is about and have to start over from the beginning.

You would rather get into a conversation with your neighbour who likes to go into very specific detail about Helene Hanff books before she finally asks, “So what’s going on with you?” and her eyes glaze over as soon as you start talking about your work and so you end up asking her about which Hanff book is her favourite in order to reëngage her in the conversation, just to avoid reading your book.

You are reading “David Copperfield” before starting on “Demon Copperhead,” which was inspired by “David Copperfield,” because you think this will give you a feeling of accomplishment that will make you feel better about how you’ve been cold e-mailing these health insurance people without getting any responses, probably because your only viable skill is reading books you can’t seem to finish.

There’s going to be a film adaptation of the book you cannot finish starring Dwayne Johnson. You should watch that instead. 

Also, what’s going on with Dwayne Johnson and I? In any case, purchase my books if you need a good laugh and when in doubt what to read. 😉

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