.Compendium of Weirdness … at the Gynecologist’s.

Going to the gyno is a necessary part of staying on top of your health…but it’s not exactly what I’d call fun. Besides the obvious, “Wow, I really don’t wanna be here,” there are so many things buzzing through my head on a trip to the torture chamber gynecologist’s office. In addition to the stream-of-consciousness above, here are some of the most common thoughts I’ve had before, during, and after getting spread eagle in the name of modern preventative care. I bet you can relate. Please share your comments below.

1. ‘This waiting room needs a serious upgrade.’
With Parents and Good Housekeeping being the only reading material lying around the ob-gyn’s office, it always feels like you’ve slipped into a time warp. What year is it, and do they realize women can vote now? Also, we’re about to strip and have a foreign object placed between our legs; perhaps they could spring for some comfier chairs? And post-appointment lollipops, please—we earned at least one.

2. ‘I’ve never felt so cold or so vulnerable (except last year when I was here).’
That moment when you’re pants-less waiting on the doctor, staring down the straps of the stirrups you’re about to prop your feet in? That’s real womanhood right there. Also, can they maybe keep the temp at a comfortable 28 to 30 degrees? We’re half-naked up in here. 

3. ‘I don’t want that thing anywhere near my va-jay-jay.’
One look at that IUD applicator will send a shiver up your spine. Getting an eyeful of various other metal and/or plastic instruments while waiting for the doctor to arrive is very, very anxiety-provoking, to say the least. 

4. ‘Why are there so, so many questions?’
What was the date of your last period? How many drinks do you have a week? Do you smoke? How many sexual partners have you had last year? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? It’s like meeting with the damn Spanish Inquisition once a year.

5. ‘Please keep the small talk to before and after insertion.’
We don’t mind giving you an update on our families, jobs, pets, and love lives, but we’d rather not do that sort of chatting when you’ve got a special vagina tool and a flashlight halfway up our cervix. In terms of verbal communication during this time, just an update on when it will all be over will suffice.

6. ‘How’s my scent?’
Admit it: You know they’re probably immune to every possible funky lady fume at this point but you still want to, you know, keep it fresh, if at all possible. You showered prior to the appointment, but anything can happen between home and this ovary inspection.

7. ‘What if my butt crack is hiding one of these weird stray hairs that get trapped there during the shower?’
This pretty much speaks for itself. Same worry goes for a lint ball from our pants or a piece of toilet paper still hanging on for dear life. We don’t want anyone to actually know that happens…even though it can happen to anyone.

8. ‘I vow, yet again, to start doing breast self-exams at home.’
As the physician gropes your boobs to make sure everything’s all clear, you remember that you learned how to check your own breasts in middle school health class. You should know every lump, bump, freckle and dent by now. You promise to start feeling yourself up at least once a week from here on out. (Do you know what type of boobs you have?) 

9. ‘You want me to take my urine sample where?’
Doctors who don’t have a cabinet in the bathroom for you to deposit a urine sample but instead make you walk down a public hallway CARRYING YOUR OWN PEE really need to get their sh*t together. What are we, cavewomen?

More terrifying gyno-office-thoughts:

Please don’t make me go on the scale!

Is there anything more mortifying than stirrups? You know, those thingies you put your feet on on a gyno chair!! Who invented these things? Probably some old guy who hates women.

Relax? He wants me to relax! Take my clothes off behind the curtains to be completely naked with legs spread wide open in front of him! Relax???

And this speculum… it is always so cold. I hate this part. It will all be over soon. Let’s count the tiles on the ceiling. Let’s count anything. Don’t even think what is happening right now. Is it me or is it really hot in here?

I wonder how many vaginas he has seen this year.

Men have no idea what we need to go through!

And, run, if these songs are playing in your gyno’s office waiting room:

Sum 41: “In Too Deep”

Madonna: “Into the Groove”

Tom Jones: “What’s New Pussycat?”

Salt-N-Pepa: “Push It”

No Doubt: “Spiderwebs”

Van Halen: “Fire in the Hole”

MC Hammer: “Can’t Touch This”

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: “Into the Great Wide Open”

Guns N’ Roses: “Welcome to the Jungle”

John Mayer: “Your Body Is a Wonderland”

Weird Al Yankovic: “Eat It”

The Rolling Stones: “Under My Thumb”

The Police: “Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Petula Clark: “Downtown”

Sean Mendes: “Stitches”

Taylor Swift: “Bad Blood”

Anything by The Flaming Lips

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