.SOMETIMES RAW.

*Just kidding. This is only a very small selection of the things I have done to impress others.

1. I learned how to camouflage and blend in. (Successful)
2. I learned how to play the game. (Successful)
3. I learned to hit a baseball. (Successful and unsuccessful because it didn’t get me the date I wanted in 2006 in New York)
4. Got into country music for two years, including buying tickets for a country music concert. (Very successful, but sad because I hate Country music)
5. Took an additional statistics class instead of calculus because more hot guys were taking it. (Incredibly unsuccessful, except that statistics class was where I created my Instagram, which in a way led to later romantic success, so kind of a long-game success situation)
6. Got really good at beer pong in my teens. (Successful: I am still above average at the game so challenge accepted, but sad because I mean c’mon…. beer pong? Really?)
7. Opened up two bottles of wine with fabric scissors. (Very unsuccessful in every sense of the word)
8. Ate a weed gummy bear that turned out to be 70 mg – which, if you aren’t familiar with weed, is way too much; 10mg is like a normal dose for normal folks, I have heard, of course. I threw up next to a church and marched (like in marched march!) 6 km home because I thought the police were watching me and they would be less suspicious if I was marching. (Not at all successful. One of the worst experiences of my life).
9. Cooked quinoa. (Turns out that the nutty flavor of this pseudo-cereal is not the way to a guy’s heart. At least I got some fiber.)
10. Chopped down a tree. (Successful)
11. Got really involved into gardening and nature. (Successful)
12. Watched three Stars Wars episodes (4,5,6) (Successful).
13. Learned all the lyrics to a Johnny Hallyday song in French (Successful in that I did learn the words, unsuccessful in that…. why the f*** would anybody care about that?)
14. Learned not to put twelve tomato plants in one side of a raised bed because it is too much (Successful this year)
15. Build a Polhus Sauna Jussi from scratch. Honestly, I thought I have seen it all when it comes to building things. Especially, IKEA furniture and their bookshelf LEKSFIK. I can build this thing with my eyes closed and all alone, even though it shows two little guys on the instruction pamphlet. The sauna, however, was a little bit more challenging. Challenging to the point that I wanted to burn the entire thing down. Okay, my dad built the sauna, Lina. (Successful)
16. Purchased the book All the Shah’s Men as an ebook because a guy I was texting with for over a month recommended it to me, but never read it becuase I find it very difficult to read ebooks. (Unsuccessful. He stood me up on our eventual date to meet in person. Coward.)
17. Jumped into the ocean full of turtles in Martinique. (Successful).
18. Learned how to make bread. (Successful)
19. Worked out every day. (Unsuccessful and I still cannot do five pull-ups).
20. Read Anna Karenina (Unsuccessful. Hated the book. Didn’t finish it.)
21. Tried to talk less. (Unsuccessful both in my attempt and impressing others. It turns out that if I am quiet people think I am sick).
22. Working on my fifth book which should come out in July/August 2022. (Successful so far)
23. Rocked through Covid once in 2021 (Successful) and in 2022 …. still struggling a bit (Still successful)
24. Signed myself up for a week of fasting and Yoga at a retreat in Austria in April. Should I smuggle in a bootle of wine and some ham? My mom says No! (It will be successful and I cannot wait)
25. Learned how to teach my son 2. Grade Math, German, and we added English (3/4th Grade) because we are quite bored at home. He asked me today, “Mom, can I please go back to school? I am exhausted with you as a teacher!” (VERY successful!)
26. Read seven! books in one week of quarantine. (Successful)
27. Made pancakes with a fever for my son. (He ate them all, I didn’t , so still successful)
28. Actually, made so many things for my son while being sick. Sometimes I don’t know where I get the strength from. (Successful, strong mom)
29. Realised that it is not funny so scream “Corona” when somebody is sneezing while I am down with the Covid. (Unsuccessful, but I will continue doing it when I am back at work, obviously)
30. I told a friend who believed that female sanitary pads went on with the sticky side up – stuck to the vagina for god’s sake – that this is NOT the case and that women use those in a different way. When I reminded him that some women may have hair down there, which would be ripped out with each pad usage, he answered, “Yeah, that’s why I thought periods were so bad.” Let’s worry more what men’s brain space is up to, okay? (Successful, I think. At least I saved one man!)
31. Imagine going to bed in 2019 and waking up in March 2022 and being told what happened in the mean time. A virus will hit the world, where you will find people alone in their cars with a mask on, and this will be normal. You will be terrified to leave further than 2k from your house. You will become your child’s schoolteacher for months as well as their hairdresser. There is a war taking place. Twenty Euro fuel in your car will get you from your front door to the end of your driveway. (Successful)

People of every age are interested in bettering themselves. I guess with this in mind the majority chooses which profession to pick. Most professions require specific training and skills such as three years of military or police experience. Some, however, those a bit off the beaten track, must be entered in a different fashion. Since these fields are often the most difficult to gain a foothold in, one is advised to make certain that one is really suited to this type of work. It is with this in mind that I offer the following series of tests.

So, you want to be a Pope?

This position has traditionally been reserved for men. Women interested in this job should be warned of the almost insurmountable odds against them. Religion also plays an important role here, so if you have your doubts you would be well advised to consider something a touch less restrictive.

Test 1

1. I most enjoy speaking….

• a) On the phone
• b) After dinner
• c) Off the cuff
• d) In private
• e) Ex cathedra

2. My favourite name is….

• a) Jeff
• b) Vito
• c) Satan
• d) Jimmy
• e) Innocent XIII

3. Most of my friends are ….

• a) Left-wing intellectuals
• b) Loose women
• c) Quality people
• d) Good sports
• e) Cardinals

4. All roads lead to ….

• a) Vienna
• b) Bavaria
• c) Midtown Manhattan
• d) Texas
• e) Rome

5. Complete this phrase or word. Dog….

• a) House
• b) Food
• c) Tired
• d) Days
• e) ma.

6. My friends call me….

• a) Stretch
• b) Digger
• c) Bro
• d) Mike
• e) Supreme Pontiff

7. For dress-up occasions I prefer….

• a) Something kinky yet elegant
• b) Anything by Brooks Brothers
• c) Pajamas
• d) A surplice and miter

8. I would feel secure knowing that I had….

• a) Enough money
• b) A good alarm system
• c) A big dog
• d) A union contract
• e) The Swiss Guard

9. When annoyed at myself for taking it too easy I ….

• a) Go on a low-carbohydrate diet
• b) Read
• c) Swim forty laps
• d) Chop firewood
• e) Wash the feet of the poor

Test 2

You want to be an absolute Political Dictator

This job requires stamina, drive, and an iron will. Not recommended for the shy type.

1. My greatest fear is….

• a) Meeting new people
• b) Heights
• c) Snakes
• d) The dark
• e) A coup d’etat

2. On a lazy Sunday afternoon I most enjoy…

• a) Cooking
• b) Experimenting with makeup
• c) Going to a museum
• d) Just lounging around the house
• e) Exiling people

3. I think people look best in….

• a) Formal attire
• b) Bathing suits
• c) Clothes that reflect their life-style
• d) Bermuda shorts
• e) Prison uniform

4. When confronted by a large crowd of strangers my immediate reaction is to ….

• a) Introduce myself to anyone who looks interesting
• b) Wait for them to speak to me first
• c) Sit in a corner and sulk
• d) Start a purge

5. The proper manner in which to respond to a chance meeting with me is by…

• a) Smiling
• b) Nodding
• c) Saying hello
• d) Giving me a little kiss
• e) Saluting

6. When someone disagrees with me my first instinct is….

• a) Try to understand his point of view
• b) Call my Bull mastiff
• c) Discuss it calmly and rationally
• d) Cry
• e) Have him executed

7. Nothing builds character like…

• a) Boy scouts
• b) The gym
• c)Sunday school
• d) Cold Showers
• e) Forced labor

Test 3

Or, you simply want to get promoted

This is undoubtedly not the easiest to crack. It also may have negative side effects upon others who want the same position so good luck.

1. When alone I most often….

• a) Read
• b) Watch television
• c) Write sonnets
• d) Build model planes
• e) Go out with my boss all dressed up or mingle at every party he throws
• f) Do yard work (preferably mow lawn) for my boss

2. Were a female friend to say something particularly amusing to the boss I would most likely….

• a) Say, “Hey, that was really funny.”
• b) Laugh delightedly
• c) giggle uncontrollably
• d) Poison her

3. When the phone rings in your office I am most likely to answer by saying…

• a) “Hello, how are you?”
• b) “Oh, hello.”
• c) “Hi.”
• d) “Oh, hi, I was just reading one of Wolfgang’s last speeches and all of his reports ever written and think it is amazing what he has done!”

4. If my house or apartment was on fire the first thing I would save would be …

• a) My son.
• b) My cat
• c) My boyfriend
• d) Everything related to work

5. I consider dining out to be…..

• a) A pleasure
• b) A nice change
• c) An opportunity to see friends
• d) A romantic interlude
• e) A guranteed promotion when it is with candle light at my boss’s apartment

6. My idea of a good party is….

• a) A big gig with lots of liquor and lots of action
• b) Good talk, good food, good wine
• c) A few close friends for dinner
• d) Wherever upper management hangs out

7. If I were stranded alone on a desert island and could have only one book I would want …

• a) The Bible
• b) The Complete Works of William Shakespeare
• c) Allen Ginsberg
• d) My boss’s to-do lists

8. Some of my best friends are…..

• a) Women
• b) Men
• c) Kids
• d) Bosses, Chiefs, CEOs and bosses bosses

Times are tough right now and sometimes we need some small reminders of ways to support our mental and physical wellbeing. In today’s article, I am covering some very small healthy habits for the body and mind.

Sometimes unexpected things happen in life and it can really throw us off balance or into a spiral of anxiety and uncertainty. You’re not alone if you’ve been feeling all kinds of emotions these past few weeks. Confused, curious, frustrated, or afraid.

In light of the uncertainty that’s gobbling us all up, I wanted to share some small, simple habits — things all of us can do — for our body and mind. To help us calm down, feel good, and put things into perspective.

Focus on the present moment

It’s easy for us to spend our time focusing on the past or future, but sometimes all we need to do is pause and look at what’s around us, the things that are in the here and now. This present moment awareness helps to dismantle the fears we have about the past or future. Try it right now, wherever you are: what objects or sights are around you?

Spend time in nature

Get outside if you can. If you can’t, even just opening some windows and having that outdoor world near you is powerful. All the elements of nature — birds chirping (my favourite, especially first thing in the morning!), the noise of leaves rustling, the breeze, the sound of water — are incredibly calming.

Nature is a powerful teacher that things are shifting and ever evolving and, and is a true testament to resilience. Storms come, trees may fall, but new sprouts always start up again. Much like the springtime after a lifeless winter.

Read encouraging words

I love reassuring quotes or phrases, or positive affirmations. Whether it’s scripture for you or an inspirational book, these things can really lift us up and shift our mindset. Here are a few of my favourite quotes:

• this too shall pass
• everything happens for a reason
• each moment is exactly as it should be

Gratitude

I’ve talked about gratitude many times, but it’s worth mentioning again here. Gratitude shifts our perspective from a place of scarcity to a place of abundance. From what we don’t have, to all the things we do have.

Take a moment to write down 3 specific things you’re grateful for and why. If you’re not in the habit of doing this regularly, create a master list and read it when you’re in need of a mood lift.

Slow your breath

Slowing the breath is one of the simplest, most effective ways to calm our nervous systems. It activates our parasympathetic nervous system (‘rest and digest’ mode), which slows our heart rate and calms us down. You can do this anywhere, anytime. Simply take a few slow, deep inhales and exhales. You’ll feel a difference!

Relax muscle tension

One of my favourite habits is to consciously relax my muscles. Wherever you are, at any time, become aware of your muscles and consciously let them relax. We’re often hunching our shoulders or clenching our jaw without realizing it, but all it takes is simple awareness and an adjustment of those muscles to really help us feel a greater sense of relaxation and ease in our body.

Start your day with nourishment

One of the best healthy habits out there is to nourish our bodies. It feels good when we do, and it’s an act of self-care which is much needed during times of stress. Plus, it sets us up for better choices throughout the day. If you’re new to eating healthier regularly, even just choosing one meal of the day to make more nourishing is a great place to start and can make a big difference in how you feel.

Some of my favourite breakfasts include avocado toast, an omelette, a smoothie with added greens, or oatmeal.

Make tea

I am a huge tea lover. Not only for the ritual associated with it which can be relaxing in and of itself but there are many different herbs for different purposes.

I love peppermint, ginger, and fennel for digestion, green tea or matcha for energy, (and a boost of antioxidants), chamomile for stress, and astragalus, reishi, and Chaga mushroom elixirs for immune support.

Have an outlet

Having a creative outlet where you can express yourself feels good. Whether it’s writing, journaling, music, dance, poetry, baking, art, or doing something with your hands. These things require focus, present moment awareness, and are a great way to get out of your mind and into your body. 

Do nothing

We always have things to do, and sometimes we forget that it’s okay to stop and doing nothing. The kind of nothing where you’re lying on your bed and you don’t have the TV or a podcast on, your phone near you, or music playing. You’re spending time with your thoughts — if only a few minutes — and letting yourself be bored. Believe it or not, boredom is good for our brain sometimes, instead of always getting caught up in the need for stimulation. Sometimes boredom is where great ideas are born!

Give

Giving a little bit of ourselves to others is good for the soul. I’m talking about the small things here: kind words, a compliment, a gesture, even just a smile in passing. Making other people’s day can make our day. I know I always feel good when I do or when I experience these things from others.

I hope these small healthy habits are helpful for you. Give one or two of them a try, I’m confident they’ll make a big difference in your well-being.