*but we still need to have the important “Executive-Bored” meeting.
9:34 a.m.
Good morning, everyone!
First of all, there is no “I” in team. It’s Jay from upper management, aka your boss, with a quick update about today’s executive meeting. Did I mention that there is no “I” in team? In the latest twist of our work-from-home adventure and since everybody has Omicron now, we’ve been having issues with our usual video conferencing Zoom software.
So we’ll instead be hosting this meeting using the popular online role-playing game Middle Earth: Shadow of Insanity
Feel free to drop a message in the chat if you have any questions!
9:38 a.m.
WOW. Okay, there were a lot of questions! Lol!
To enter the meeting, first, create a character by selecting a gender (several available), race and class. We strongly believe in championing workplace diversity, so rest assured that elves, centaurs, orcs, dwarves, pink unicorns, minotaurs, and gnomes are all equals in the eyes of management.
9:42 a.m.
Good question, Michael! There are eighteen playable classes including Sorcerer and Warlock. If you’re in hazard mangagement, just select Barbarian.
9:45 a.m.
Okay, next steps! Once you’ve created your avatar, it’s time to log into the game world for our meeting. I’ve set up a conference room on the ground floor of the Pigbelly Canteen, which is conveniently located on the edge of the Whispering Wastes just past the Witchblood Forest. Ask a peasant for directions if you can’t find it.
Please come directly to the meeting at 3 p.m. and don’t stop on the way to fight goat people or collect golden coins and weapons.
9:52 a.m.
I’ve been getting some concerning messages, so I want to circle back and resolve a few pain points.
While Middle Earth is a player vs. player game, we don’t want to foster a coworker vs. coworker environment. However, we all know that stray fireballs and unintentional discharge of crossbow bolts can happen. So if your avatar IS killed and looted by a team member—say, Daniel from the first-kral-tribe—the issue will be handled in a private message mediation session with HR.
11:24 a.m.
Creative colleagues, I’m seeing a lot of confusion about certain aspects of this, honestly, very minor venue changes for our meeting, so here are just a few more best practices to make sure things go as smoothly as possible.
11:26 a.m.
NO side quests! I can’t stress this enough. We should be able to resolve all of our agenda items in the scheduled three hours, but that won’t be the case if the “Coaching Department” decides to run off looking for the Great Axe of Narnia. Don’t be selfish and make everyone stay late because of your own lust for powerful magic items.
11:29 a.m.
Also, no killing interns. This meeting is all-hands, so Christine and Bernie will have avatars like everyone else but their characters will remain at level zero to realistically reflect their post-pandemic job prospects. Please make them feel welcome and remember that our interns are unpaid and are doing this for the experience points. That’s all from me. See you this afternoon!
2:27 p.m.
Okay, guys the meeting is in a few minutes, and I’m seeing a lot of messages in the chat to the effect of “Why are we doing this?” and “Zoom isn’t down!” and “What the (bleep!) are you talking about!?” So just a quick note:
You’re right. Zoom is working “fine” but I honestly can’t keep looking at you guys all day on Zoom as if I didn’t have important item crafting to do. When we were in the office, I played Middle Earth from 9:00 a.m. to 5 p.m. every day and ate at my desk while the interns did the work. But since we’ve been working remotely, not five minutes goes by that I don’t get annoying emails, help requests, or complaints from someone who doesn’t know how to unmute himself. I’m lucky if I can fit in forty minutes of dungeon-crawling during my lunch hour. My minotaur is barely levelling up anymore. Do you guys get that????
This is all to say that I’ve decided that all future meetings will take place via Middle Earth until further notice or until I reach level 75.
For any further questions, see above.
2:35 p.m.
See. Above.
