.SOMETIMES RAW.

So, I ran the half-marathon last week, and now people who are crazy into health and sports want to teach me everything they know about nutrition, supplements, and healthy life choices. One topic was whether I consume enough protein. While I gave my best to listen, he took out his pill box stuffed with supplements for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Wtf, I thought while he drowned the first handful of shiny pink and blue pills with some green smoothie out of a plastic shaker. Then he began to tell me what kind of imbecile I am, a know-nothing about nutrition. Here he goes, as good as I remember it.

Hey, you ran the half-marathon, huh?! But are you taking all your supplements? Do you eat enough protein in a day? Don’t even bother answering, because I know the answer is no. But don’t worry, I’m kind of a protein guy. I can give you all the guidance you need so you can stop being such a weak little bitch. I eat three hundred times my recommended daily allowance of protein. So as you can imagine, my life is perfect. I can crush a stainless-steel trash can with my thighs. I could lift your sofa above my head and throw it so far you’ll never see it again. And that’s what I’ll do if you don’t start eating enough protein. So you’d better listen up.

Let’s start with the basics. According to my nutritionist, a guy named the Beef Man, you should be getting at least 30,000 grams of protein at each meal. You’re probably clocking in at a cool fifteen grams or less, which, quite frankly, makes me want to punch a wall. How many chicken breasts have you even eaten so far today? Four? Five? Don’t make me laugh.

By the way, you could be slamming legumes right now while I’m telling you this. Every second of the day is an opportunity for protein, and you’re wasting it. What’s that sound? All I hear is the sound of you not eating a bucket of eggs. That eggless silence is the worst sound in the world. I listen to a recording of myself eating a bucket of eggs to help me fall asleep at night. It brings me peace you’ll never understand.

But don’t think I have no sympathy for sad little failures. I know reaching your daily protein goals can be a challenge. Sometimes you have to get creative. Do you drink coffee in the morning? Try swapping it out for ground turkey. (Do not talk to me until I’ve had my ground turkey.) If you’re still brushing your teeth with toothpaste (zero protein), you’re a stupid idiot. Start brushing with Greek yoghurt. Do you take medicine? Of course you do, because you’re a sick freak who doesn’t get enough protein. Try cottage cheese instead.

I can tell you’re still a little sceptical. Why do you even need all that protein anyway? I’ll tell you why, you piece of shit. You need protein for muscle growth. You’re probably saying, “I don’t care about muscle growth. I like being an adult with the body of a little baby.” And of course, that’s your choice. But you also need protein for maintaining blood, skin, and bones. Ever heard of them? You think you’re too good for bones, buddy? If you don’t eat enough protein, you’re basically saying you’re cool with being a disgusting pile of shit. Ever seen a pile of shit before? It ain’t pretty.

And look, I get it. Eating a nutritious diet is about balance. Of course, you can still eat other things you enjoy, like fruits, pasta, and even brownies. As long as those fruits, pasta, and brownies are made from a slurry of broken-down animal parts and molded into the shapes of those respective foods. I am aware not everyone enjoys animal slurry. As a vegetarian alternative, put a bunch of chickpeas in a blender and sculpt that goop into the shape of any food you’d normally enjoy. Pretend you’re Demi Moore in Ghost while you’re doing it.

At the end of the day, I’m tired of your excuses. You can’t spend all day cooking lentils? Fine. Don’t tell me you don’t have thirty seconds on your morning commute to snack on some unseasoned ground beef. I don’t leave the house without my five-pound canister of chocolate banana cinnamon roll whey protein powder that I snort when there’s a lull in conversations. I can already hear you whining, “The protein powder burns when I snort it.” Okay, well, nothing is stopping you from administering it rectally, except for your bad attitude.

Ultimately, I can’t force you to eat the correct amount of protein for your body weight. But the next time you try to crush a stainless-steel trash can with your thighs, don’t come crying to me when you look like a fool because you only dented it a little bit.

Welcome to the German Embassy.

To apply for or renew your passport you first need to make an appointment through our online portal which is open only on Mondays between 10 am and 11 am for you to choose a slot out of three possible days in the next several months. Be fast and good luck. No other appointments, no emails, no phone calls, no questions, or any other inquiries are possible.

We are looking forward to meeting you. Obviously (it is Germany after all), there will be more rules. A lot more.

1. Please bring originals and provide copies of your driver’s license, all passports you ever owned, birth certificate, and detailed notes from the last three months of your therapy appointments. We can tell if you’re faking.

2. Kindly attach reference letters from your employer, a trusted adult who has known you for more than five years, your dentist, and the doctor that delivered you. Please note if you were born by cesarean. If any of these letters are in any othere language than German please provide notarized translations with official seal and stamps.

3. Between the reference letter from your employer and the doctor who delivered you place the passport picture. Those need to be taken by an official photographer with a seal, stamp and authenticity letter. Also include the photographers’ blood type.

4. If applying in advance, we ask that you send along all said bank statements since 1992, and a five-paragraph essay on why your are applying in advance.

5. Please wear shoes. No flip-flops allowed in the embassy. No phones, no belts, no metal at all.

6. Attach two years of signed income tax returns, detailed memos explaining gaps in employment, sudden illnesses and the date of your childs’s first baby tooth.

7. Your last bank statment signed by all members of the band Rammstein.

8. Schedule your follow-up interview with the co-op board on a business day between the hours of 9 a.m. and 9:12 a.m only on full moon. Arrive three hours early for an intensive security screening.

9. Upon arriving for your initial appointment no less than six hours early, you will be blindfolded and spun around forty-three times.

10. You will be escorted to a waiting area where we play Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries on repeat over loudspeakers. Cry now (if you have to) before we will make you.

11. Bring your own writing utensils. Due to security reasons, we won’t provide any pens.

12. When you survived Wagner (on repeat) in the waiting room, you and your paperwork will be picked up by an unmarked (German) van and knocked unconscious.

13. You are not in Squid Game, but we did steal this part from Squid Game.

14. You will be brought to a deserted parking lot on the outskirts of Austria.

15. Take in the beautiful sunset while you bask in the regret of having made that appointment.

16. If you speak in any other language than German we will go full Squid Game.

17. The driver of the van takes off his ski mask. It’s Till Lindemann from Rammstein. He presents you with your quest.

18. Till tells you that you must retrieve a golden wrench from Fetter Hardware Store. There’s a screw loose at the embassy’s front door that you need to fix before your passport application will be reviewed.

19. In order to be granted entry into Fetter Hardware, you must correctly answer three riddles from the Sphinx.

20. The Sphinx is a thirteen-year-old Rottweiler/German Shepard mix named Hiller.

21. He will bite only if provoked.

22. The Sphinx is easily provoked.

23. The prophecy completed, Till dissolves into the night, Ray-Bans clattering to the ground.

24. At the entrance of Fetter Hardware, you are greeted by Hiller.

25. You must teach the dog three tricks in order to reveal the code to the safe that the golden wrench is kept in.

26. Once acomplised, you must search deep within your soul to find the words that will bring you back to the embassy.

27. Don’t screw this up (German wrench humor). With every minute you take, your assigned application officer will raise the fee by fifty euros per minute.

28. Upon retrieval of the golden wrench, hurry back to the embassy. You’re late for a second interview we never told you about.

29. Don’t forget proof of health insurance, life insurance, last morgage or rent statement and a new refrigerator for the embassy’s waiting room.

31. We look forward to reviewing your application! Expect a reply in five to forty-seven business days or weeks.

Thank you for your application. Please fill out the Google survey to provide feedback on our services and the Self-evaluation on how you could have made this process more seamless for everyone.

We look forward to meeting with you (as many times as it takes).

Good luck, 
Your German Embassy Team

My son and I came back from the most amazing trip to Japan! What was one of our main goals besides climbing up Mount Fuji? To find Labubus. I know, this is completely nuts and not even funny anymore. These little creatures are like cocaine, it seems. “Do you want to touch my Labubu? (Sounds weird, I know, but so is this entire Labubu insanity!) I will charge you 20 Euros!” One has to be careful when these little weird creatures are attached to the backpack, so nobody will cut them off and sell them on the black market. I am not kidding. How did we find Labubus when they are sold out everywhere? Even in Japan? When people are lining up for hours in front of Pop Marts all over the world? It is like this phenomenon with Dubai Chocolate. Now, nobody cares, but in the beginning, people killed for a bar of this pistachio shit.

This is a little excerpt of our Labubu hunt in Japan:

It was early before the woman had taken her morning coffee. And without her morning coffee she is usually not even in the mood to talk to people. But the boy wanted one of these dolls no matter what so she gave in and the line at the Pop Mart in Osaka was already long and winding. The people in it had gone days without using a working toilet. Forgoing personal hygiene for the opportunity to purchase this ugly doll would be worth it.

All humankind lived in darkness. A new Labubu would be their light.

Many had already paid their way into a lot of Labubus. Some attached them to their purses like Rihanna. Others wore them loyally on hats. Still others hung them from belt buckle loops like keys to their fading youth.

The woman knew she must obtain this monster doll with bunny ears. She would not be one of the Labubu have-nots. She could not be defeated by the people looking to buy in bulk and resell them on eBay. So she set a series of timers in her bedroom to awaken her at the moment of the next scheduled drop. In case that failed, she constructed an elaborate pulley system. The moment the Pop Mart app sent a notification of a restocked store, it would drop a bucket of ice water on her face. Usually, this was at midnight on Fridays. As good a time as any to drink water.

Across from the Pop Mart, an old man appeared with a cart. He stoically held a sign that read: FOR SALE, LABUBU DOLLS, NEVER OPENED.

The woman considered this temptation to purchase from an unofficial reseller. She knew they were not Labubus, but Lafufus, the street name for fake Labubus. She would not make the mistake of buying one. Nothing could replace the feeling of ripping open a blind bag and finding an expertly sewn plush and vinyl figurine with an official Pop Mart QR code to verify authenticity.

“A Lafufu is like a whore in a bar,” the woman thought. “I’d pay for one, but I would feel weird take her out for all to see.”

The Pop Mart suddenly opened, but the line did not appear to be moving. She worried she was waiting for something that would not come. “Damn these lines,” she muttered before cursing herself for not trying to get a Labubu online somewhere. These things are sold out everywhere. At the ripe old age of forty-four, she did not embrace new technology as easily as she embraced new plush and vinyl status symbols.

The line moved slowly. At last, a few people exited the store. They had boxes in hand that they had ripped open to reveal a black and white creature from the Big Into Energy series. People in line could not believe it. Now was the time to think of what they did not have.

“They got an ID?” the couple in front of her asked. This figure was the rarest specimen of Labubu. There was only a one-in-seventy-two chance of unboxing one. She thought about how superior it would make her feel to stroke its coveted fur. “They don’t give us any choice now,” the couple said. “We must be one of the special edition haves.”

The woman and her son stood in line, mouths wide open and in awe of so much insanity. “We stay right here and watch this madness from afar,” she said.

The couple in front of them did what they had to do because they were mad and plenty brave. They didn’t care if they lost an arm in a fight to get the rare Labubu. A person has two arms and just one shot at a collectable figurine that would seem silly in five weeks. They ran, swinging at the people and snatching it out of their hands like it was a prized mackerel.

Was it luck, or were they cowards? A fight broke out, and the couple lost the Labubus while the woman and her son picked them up and left the scene with their heads held up high.

The couple did not know, and she did not care. They were still fighting and beating each other up.

All she knew was that she could also be tough so early in the morning. Even without her coffee. But now that she had secured her special Labubus, to hell with the coffee. This called for Sushi for Breakfast.

Kinderteller