.SOMETIMES RAW.

Just in case you have not noticed: Christmas is around the corner. Years ago, my Christmas gift-giving approach was a lot different from now. Sometimes, I felt obligated to give material items to attempt to make up for the time I didn’t spend with people I love. Usually, little thought went into it because I felt obligated to give anything, just for the sake of giving. I purchased gifts without asking questions such as: What is the purpose behind giving this particular gift? Will the recipient find value in this gift? Is this something they need? I bring all this up because we’re on the precipice of consumption season. That time of year when all the stores and all the brands and all the websites rely on us to buy shit-loads of shit for both ourselves and our people.

Because of this, I changed how I handle gift-giving. I tend to avoid physical gifts. I love to give gifts of experience, or, if I give material things, I give consumables, such as a bottle of wine, cheese, coffee, chocolate or homemade chocolate liqueur. For me, it should be something someone can use, or, if it is an experience, it is a memory that can be shared: concert/movie/theater tickets and such. A great gift is also an evening spend together cooking, talking in the kitchen, while enjoying a bottle of wine out of new wine glasses. It sounds cliché until you actually do it, and then you will realize how awesome it is. The simple things.

How I make Christmas and shopping more meaningful: I avoid big shopping weekends to buy things (Black Friday etc.). Overall, for many, consumption is an unquenchable thirst and retailers and manufacturers know this too well. I rather support local businesses, friends, and people in my community and those who make a difference. If you could receive only one Christmas present this year, what would it be? The answer for me is simple: time. Another great gift is presence. You see, the people I care about and love mean much more to me than a fancy gadget and things.

Ultimately, it comes down to setting the appropriate expectations with the people in my life. Yes, gift-giving is a common practice in our society. Yes, many people, friends, coworkers, family expect us to hand out gifts on holidays. And yes, it is difficult to deviate from this inveterate tradition, especially in today’s consumer-driven, heavily mediated world in which our adequacy is constantly questioned. I made my intentions and expectations known to friends and family and explained why I am making the decisions I make. The people who love me support the choices I make, whether that’s choosing not to participate in gift-giving, or gifting alternatively and creatively.

Love and to be loved is what everybody really wants.

“I love you – see, here is this expensive shiny necklace I bought you”– someone I thought I knew.

Do you want to know a secret? It is support, not gift-giving, that is the hallmark of love. As soon as Christmas is over, Valentine’s Day is around the corner and stores are filled with love things and hearts. Gift-giving is not a love-languages. The idea that we can commodify love is nauseating. Sometimes I get the feeling that people give gifts to show their love because they are troubled by real love. Buying diamonds is not evidence of everlasting devotion, commitment or trust. Love is not a transaction; love is transcendent.

“Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart’s revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are. To love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self.” – Jonathan Franzen

Obligatory gift-giving isn’t surrendering yourself to someone; it’s surrendering to consumerism and the status quo. Again, this doesn’t mean there’s something necessarily wrong with buying a gift for someone. But we should not fool ourselves by associating that gift with true love. Love doesn’t work that way. Instead of thinking of love as some sort of abstruse emotion, I think of it as an action verb (language nerd). If I want to show my love for others, I must do so with my actions. Creating great experiences for the most important people in my life by gifting experiences instead of stuff is a great place to start.

When I first learned how to write, I constantly asked my teacher to show me how to write new words, sentences, whole paragraphs. I always carried a piece of paper, notebook or journal to write things down. I do so to this day. I always love(d) to write letters. By age seven, I was the nerd when it came to spelling (math was never my thing though; my brother would want me to add this). English, German, language, linguistics were the subjects I was really good at and took pride in this fact. The borderline obsession with writing continued through high school. I notoriously wrote in my diary, was involved with the school newspaper and journalism. I simply loved writing because it helped me connect with people around me, but also to myself and to emotions I couldn’t express any other way.

At college, I did really well on anything that required creative writing or presentations. I was the editor of group assignments and my peers often came to me to review their stuff. Why am I telling you all this? Because I am very analytical and can zero in on details. I am also telling you this because I have a lot of evidence that I have always been creative and live(d) a creative life – personally and professionally. When I go too long without creating something I feel completely off, depleted and itchy.

I believe and teach my son that, as humans, we are all creators. We are the creation and the creators. It is our natural state. What we create is specific to the person but we are all meant to be creating new things. A problem I feel a lot is that our modern life caters to consumption. We constantly watch, listen to, read, and are bombarded with new information. Visual or otherwise. Aren’t we almost always in consumption mode? Something needs to balance out.

I practice Yoga for many years and love to connect to my body this way. In Yoga, balance is called prana (life force energy) which connects with the apana (regulates the outward flow of prana). This yogic concept has taught me a lot about the importance of becoming aware of how much we consume. Not just information on a daily basis but also energies. By becoming aware and taking notice of how much I take in throughout the day and how much I clear out, I started to feel more balanced.

These days, I have a lot of time to blog and read but I know (very soon) there will be a time when this will change. However, I know that I won’t fall into the false narrative that I don’t have time to write. To sit and write, not for work and money, just for me is important because it balances me. Sometimes it is easier said than done but when times get rough, I do not forget to tap into the things that provide me with sustained energy and joy. I don’t fall into the trap to believe that we are being sold an idea of where our energy should come from and what it looks like to recharge.

Social media tells us what to do: watch TV, consume more, work more to purchase more and so on. The message is so strong that we tend to forget that we actually don’t get energy from watching TV, from working more or accumulating more stuff. The older I get, the more I learn how my body works and what is good and healthy for me. I get energy from creating. I get it from spending quality time with people and nurturing relationships. I get energy from moving my body. I get energy from learning new things. I get energy from being in nature. Nature is the ultimate creation and it teaches me how to accept our gifts and embrace what I do. Do you think nature questions its creativity? It is the creation.

Our creative capacity as a human species is limitless. Part of me believes if we all put our creative minds together, we could solve many of the world’s problems. We need to release our conditional beliefs that we are limited, that we aren’t creative and shift it to that we are capable of so much more. That we are able to do anything we want.

The decision to get a divorce is usually an agonizing one. The thought of telling my son about it was initially terrifying. It is disheartening to have to be the bearer of that kind of news, and it was impossible to predict how he will react. I heard from a lot of people that it is never easy to talk to children about this topic. One part was a bit easier: my ex-husband works overseas and was not home a lot, so my son never experienced a “typical father figure” when both parents are home living the daily family life. We separated in January 2018 and my ex has not spoken to or seen his son since May 2018. Time passes. It’s November 2019 and every passing month is more awkward to my son. He doesn’t talk much about his father; almost as he doesn’t know him. Which is sort of true? The other day he asked, “My dad never calls. Why is that?” Here, I will share how I speak to my son about it all; how I explain the divorce and why certain things happened.

1. I spoke to my son as soon as possible after I have come to a decision. Postponing the talk would haven just given me more time to dread it, and I did not want to lose the trust of my son. Honesty is important. He feels and knows when I am lying. I made some preliminary new living arrangements (but not too much change at once), and explained the situation.
2. My son understood that mommy and daddy fought a lot and they do not want to fight anymore. This is why mommy and daddy go separate ways rather than staying together. My son knows that the decision was not one-sided and that his father cares about him and loves him. He is just very busy. In reality and behind the scenes: He is the typical cliché: The absent father, who does not pay child support and delays the process by all means. Is it fair that he pays nothing for his son? No. Is it fair that he spends the money on trips to Iceland instead while I struggle and have no income yet? No. Is it fair that I have to pay for my son’s clothes (he grows so quickly!) and his food (he eats so much because he grows so quickly!)? No. Well, guess what? Life is not fair sometimes. Let me be clear: I simply believe it is the ethical obligation of the wealthier spouse to pay child support! Especially when it is settled in the court order. My son does not understand any of this but he wonders why his father never reaches out. I have sole custody and my son never questions why we don’t parent as a team. I guess we never were a team in the first place.
3. I talked to my son by choosing a time that will not interfere with his normal activities. I made it a place that is familiar and comfortable. This simply shows respect for the things that are important to him and ensures that he will feel comfortable asking questions. I did my part. There are still unanswered questions my son has for his dad, however.
4. My son is six now and I know that when I spoke to him about the divorce two years ago, he was unlikely to understand what it all means. Now, I explain it in the simplest terms possible. I explained that mommy and daddy will no longer be living together, that we both love him and always will and that he can see his father if he wants to.
5. I avoid arguing with my ex and I don’t lay blame (anymore). There was a time I did but it has passed. I did a lot of mindful work and evolved. I reached the stage where I actually forgive him. It is okay. I honestly hope he is happy in his life and with his decisions. Instead of feeling angry, I feel relieved.
6. I have been through a rough time but I avoided expressing anger or bitterness in front of my son. I did express sadness sometimes. This showed my son that it is okay to be sad.
7. I made it a point to tell my son that the divorce is not his fault. I think when my son was younger, he thought that he is to blame for the divorce, even if he didn’t vocalize it. It is important to reassure him that it has nothing to do with him at all.
8. I filled him in on everything that has been decided so far. He knows what sole custody means and that I am solely responsible for him. There are challenges of course, too for example how to pick the best school and the best education for him. He is pretty smart. But I am sure I will make the right decision.
9. I encourage my son to ask questions and I answer them truthfully. I don’t tell him all of the details about why we separated (this will happen when he is older), but it is critically important for me to maintain his trust.
10. And most importantly, I do not burden him with situations he cannot control. I do not ask him to deal with adult issues that will make him feel helpless.