Mr. X: I don’t like alcohol anymore. I want to slow down drinking a lot! It just does not do anything for me anymore. Actually, I think it never did. It makes me feel crappy and anxious the next day. Even just one cocktail does it. Stop looking at me like that. I rather take sparkling water instead.
Alcohol: What do you mean? So you are thinking about breaking up with me. As unlikely as it may sound, you are not the first but c’mon. Chances are you have got a lot on your mind right now if you tackle such questions but I think you are making a huge mistake. Breaking up with me could mean a very confusing time in your life. You will miss me so much, I guarantee you that. Make sure you have examined the short- and long-term effects of straight-up dumping my ass.
Mr. X: I thought about it. I feel so much better without you. I am more creative. No headaches and I can have fun at parties, too. Minus the major hangover the next day.
Alcohol: F*** you! Don’t do that. I know you love me. Grow old with me. Don’t turn your back on the best thing that ever happened to you. You risk a lifetime of gnawing regret!
Mr. X: Breaking up with you does feel a bit overwhelming but I know it is the right thing to do. You know why? My health! I don’t like how you make me feel.
Alcohol: Health blablabla. We all going to die anyway. Why not party in the meantime? Leaving my sweet embrace will make you feel lonely. Imagine everybody drinks alcohol while you sip on your water? Pffff… hello???…. boooooring. Your dumping me will trigger a swift chain of events that culminates at a bar. All your friends will have fun, except you. Oh wait, some effects are more insidious. Should you really kick me to the curb, you must anticipate that I am going to sit on that exact curb eating chocolate. I will eat chocolate every day, sometimes at strange hours, because I have seen sad women do this. You might meet different non-alcoholic drinks but honestly, good luck replacing me. Do you find yourself doubting yet? Because breaking up with me would mean a huge scale of devastation that can be blamed only on you.
Mr. X: I feel so much better without you. Also, anybody who cares that I don’t drink has a problem with alcohol. Honestly, f*** off.
Alcohol: It is with near certainty that, if you really break up with me you will break my heart. Also, don’t think you can just break up with me and head on your little “Eat Pray Love” – style journey. You neeeeeed me. You waaaaaant me. Always remember that. Many people need me. This is a conclusion based on years of data collection and analysis from bars, my friend. Oh, you won’t go to bars anymore either now? I could go on and on. You just make me angry. Breaking up with me is a very personal choice. No one can make it for you. Damn, I think you feel pretty strong about this.
Mr. X: I do. Honestly, it is fun to drink but one drink is usually not enough. I have another one, which leads to another one. I rather have a clear mind to live in the here and now and be fully present.
Alcohol: I really hope for you that you have gained a helpful new perspective, one broad enough to confront the fiery, drought-ravaged world that awaits you in your sobriety. Alternatively, we could stay together and preserve this beautiful friendship we have had over the years. I eagerly await your decision. You know I will be around for comfort. I always was, I always will be.
Mr. X: We were never friends. I always considered you a lying, backstabbing friend who never made me feel good. I consider this moment a brave act of not allowing a poisonous substance to dim my bright light. I know alcohol is never the answer. I am.