.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Sit up properly in your chair.”

I cry every time I watch Out of Africa, still hoping Robert Redford’s plane won’t take off.

“When I was little, cellphones or the internet did not exist.”

I curse like a truck driver every time a motherfuckin’ piece of shit in a car purposely cuts me off when I try to cross the street.

“Santa Clause won’t be happy…”

“Of course the tooth fairy exists.”

I haven’t read War and Peace, even though I pretend otherwise. Over time, I have learned to talk about it pretty convincingly.

Tracks I still listen to: Run DMC “It’s like that”; Nirvana “Hard-Shaped Box”; Fugees “Killing me Softly”; The Verve “Bitter Sweet Symphony”; Fool’s Garden “Lemon Tree”; Coolio “Gangster’s Paradise”; Rage Against the Machine “Killing in the Name”; Guns N’ Roses “Don’t Cry”; Oasis “Don’t look Back in Anger”

I start believing in God again whenever I need something.

“Your goldfish has gone on a long trip. I am not sure when he is coming back.”

“Now I avoid red wine.”

“Go to the toilet before we leave. Even if you don’t have to. Just a tiny bit.”

“Don’t shout. Mommy is very tired.”

“At six you think you know everything, but at my age, you realize life is a bit more complicated.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts – time flies.”

“If you swallow your chewing gum, it will get stuck to the inside of your stomach.”

“You will learn how to whistle if you eat your carrots.”

“If you are not hungry for your vegetables then you are not hungry for dessert.”

I had so many fears back then that today I am not afraid.

I know that if I don’t reach for it, no one will give it to me. Sometimes all I need is to give myself permission.

I know that I will never regret my misadventures. Sometimes, failures are successes in disguise.

I know that I can take the wrong path and it’s okay. I know to take life one day at a time. Nothing is forever.

I know that sometimes I have to shake things up to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Smiling is one of life’s greatest weapons.

“Something better is always on its way. This too shall pass.”

“That was trendy when I was a teenager. In my day, we invented games all the time and played outside in the dirt.”

“Don’t you think the music is a bit loud?”

I just can’t go out two nights in a row anymore.

“He is a man who lights a flame inside me, without actually setting my house on fire.”

“Selecting my year of birth on a website means scrolling down or up forever.”

“I am an environmentalist.” (I just started recycling and turn off the water when I brush my teeth)

“I am very excited just to go home.”

I tell myself that I am working out when I take the stairs. Or when I dance (while drinking) and I persuade myself that sweating is proof of my muscular exhaustion.

“Just enjoy it. Don’t expect anything. Just see where it all goes and enjoy the ride.”

“I am my own soul mate.”

I cleaned up my bookshelf and found a letter that I have never sent. I wrote it to someone who was once special in my life. Our break was nothing like the petty, go, gossipy fights I had in childhood, or even the slow drifting apart so common in adulthood. Instead, it was worse and happened one day, sudden as a lightning strike with mean messages and phone calls. I heard the thunder from miles away. I recently asked a friend if I should send the letter, or at least a text, some kind of signal that the door was still a bit open on my end, that I wanted to talk things through because there is a child involved. I wanted to make things right or at least get some closure other than the divorce papers.

This person, once special, does certain things that make no sense to me. To send this letter wouldn’t be wise because it is not my job anymore to appeal his decisions. It is job of the agencies now. There is no need to put more compassionate words in my mouth, trying to make it all work out differently or better for my son’s sake. But that does not mean that I have not spent time playing the ending back in my head, trying to see our disagreement from his point of view, trying to make sense why he acts this way.

Each of us may require different words and actions to heal when we have been wronged. For me, understanding the language of love and trust in a relationship is crucial to keep it healthy, and to know how best to apologize is just as important. By no means do I want to repair my previous relationship but for my son, I would take the extra step to repair it to the point that we can at least talk in a civilized matter about important things like for example how to be in touch with your own flesh and blood. Common sense is not so common for some, so I will give you some hints and help if you want to express regret, apologize, accept responsibility, make restitution or genuinely repent something. I think that a sincere apology will contain more than one of these options, so it can be helpful to gain “fluency” in at least a few. Do not be an emotional polyglot.

Expressing regret. What do you think is the first apology language I will mention? Right! The words: I am sorry. It may seem, at first glance, too rudimentary to qualify as a language, but the impact of a simple, direct apology should not be underestimated. Sometimes, saying sorry is easy, sometimes it is not. In some situations, an apology like this is all that is needed but in other cases, some explanations need to be added.

How to say it: “…..I need to apologize for the way I ignored my son for so long. I would love to change things because I love and miss him. I feel guilty every single day, too.”

Accepting Responsibility. I think it is important for the apologizer to directly acknowledge the impact their actions and words have had on the person they have wronged, rather than making a slew of excuses or blaming circumstances. The key is to make sure the burden of apology stays with the one who is apologizing. It is easy to create even more distance with phrases like, “I am sorry you feel that way” when what really needs to be said is, “I am sorry I made you feel this way”.

How to say it: “….I am sorry I reported you to Immigration Canada for forging my signature. I know you did not forge anything. I am also sorry that I reported you to Canadian Child Services. I know you are not a bad mother and would never hurt, starve, beat, or leave a child. I know I should not have done that. I am sorry I made you feel this way and that you had to go through all this trouble. Damn, I didn’t know he lost his Canadian passport because of my actions!”

Making Restitution. Restitution can be a little more complicated I guess, especially since it often involves placing a relative value on something after it has been damaged. In my case, I am not talking about a borrowed dress ruined by melted lipstick in the dryer but rather trust broken by an affair and not taking care of a child. Then it gets more complicated. Match the scale of the apology to the original mistake. It is important to note that in some cases, it is not actually possible to completely rebalance the scale, or that making good on the promise to do so can take time. However, on my end, there is no substitute for a good faith effort to repair and rebuild.

How to say it: “……thank you for taking care of him for so long without any help from my side. I am really sorry I did this. He is my flesh and blood, too. I miss him so much and would love to see him, speak to him and be in touch. I am sorry that I haven’t contacted him in almost two years. I am sorry that I rather spent the money to travel and enjoy my life. I know he needs clothing and food because kids grow so fast. I was wrong. I am sorry. Things will change from now on.”

Genuinely Repenting. Here, the key component is changed behavior. The apologizer must acknowledge the wrongness of what he/she did, but they must also accompany that acknowledgment with a plan for avoiding the same mistakes in the future. So, restitution is about fixing the past, repentance is about to change the future. In other words: What are you going to do to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

How to say it: “….. I want you to know that I feel terrible about how I treated you and did not pay child support. I didn’t know any better at that time, but I know now that my ignorance, actions, and assumptions were wrong and shitty and hurtful. I would like to rekindle some sort of communication if you would give me the chance.

Requesting Forgiveness. If someone has hurt me very badly and wants me to forgive them, I would want to see them expressing it all – expressing regret, accepting responsibility, presenting a strong plan for restitution, including plans for the future – before I consider it. I know, this may seem high-maintenance, but it sounds reasonable to me after what I have been through. However, the power of forgiveness is of course solely at the discretion of the wronged party. It is all a power game, too. Asking for forgiveness is about giving power back to the person we have hurt. For some, this is impossible. When we earnestly ask for forgiveness, we are acknowledging that the other person may need something more from us; effort, understanding, or time tor each a place of resolution, and we express willingness to make up the difference on their terms. I want to give the person the opportunity to make it right, but I understand that that day may never come. Sometimes, people are unable to say what they want to say.

How to say it: “I know that there is no excuse for the way I treated you in the last two years, but I am doing my best to change this now. Can you ever forgive me?”

Yes, I can. I guess I sent this letter anyway.

Happy Holidays!

I want to thank you so much for being here, whether you’ve been reading my blog for years or just stopped by. I’m so grateful for this incredible community of smart, funny, thoughtful readers, and I love your comments so, so much. This year, I am fortunate to celebrate Christmas with my family. We laughed, we cried, we ate great food. I loved having my grandmothers with us and to see how much fun they had. “Be glad you are healthy, young and pretty, ” one grandmother said. “Being old and sick is no fun,” the other one added.

Of course, they are right. Getting older is perpetually complicated, especially when our bodies don’t feel as comfortable and cozy as they once did. It is difficult to watch a body shift and stretch and increase in capacity and size. As a woman, it can be even trickier to embrace who we are physically, to celebrate our unique aspects rather than compare them, and to be grateful for a fully functional form.

I will turn 39 next year. Wow! Time flies. Unlike many of my friends, I am pretty lucky and have not undergone major surgery, had a significant health diagnosis or experienced any physical trauma. Instead, my body has worn and grown in all of the usual, subtle ways. I may be wiser (ha!) now than when I was 29, but I have also accrued a few wrinkles. My body has simply changed. I also cannot (or rather don’t want) eat chips and drink wine every night anymore. Hangovers also felt a lot different in my 20s.

While the idea of self-acceptance is straightforward, the context is not. I don’t know if it is just me but I feel that today’s culture is too loud and confusing when it comes to defining what is physically desirable. I have wisened up and intuitively understand that reaching towards the unrealistic goals of beauty seen in the media is not a good use of my time or energy because comparing my body to others and looking at photoshopped models thinking that this is the norm is just ridiculous.

While my grandmothers spoke about the past they also mentioned ideas and goals based on what they used to look like, what they used to weigh, what size they used to wear and the evolving seasons of their life. I remember one day in my early 20s that I found myself in a fitting room with a rack full of jeans and summer dresses, hopeful that they would fit and cover areas of my body that I did not like. I remember this poorly-lit-fitting room and my very critical eye. I felt too big! My legs were too big! My skin was not glowing! I also remember leaving the fitting-room frustrated and sad. This scene has happened periodically over the years, but with growing irony until it just stopped.

While my grandmothers spoke, it became clear to me that no matter what age I am, it is perpetually tempting to look back, envious of my pre-marriage, pre-baby, pre-divorce, pre-job change and pre-whatnot.”I wish I would still look like that, ” my grandmother said while she showed me a picture of her on the wall. “You are beautiful the way you are, Oma,” I said.

See your body as a strong, healthy vessel. I believe that my current body is precious and healthy and beautiful as it is, rather than comparing it to previous iterations and images. I show compassion to myself and where my body is right now. Weight loss and gain can be normal, cellulite is not a curse, and hormonal changes are a powerful force within the body’s system. I have the power to elicit change. I can help myself to grow stronger and healthier, lose weight, or gain weight and that this is a privilege. Also, my friends, many changes take time as does anything worth embracing.

And, instead of seeing my body as personal billboards for all of the things that I am not, maybe it is smarter to look at it for what it truly is: a physical representation of the life I have been given, the life I have birthed, the places I have seen, the experiences I have had, and the memories that I have accrued.

If my body is my most tangible testimony of a life wholly-lived, well, then I’m choosing to celebrate the hell out of mine. Want to join me? I’ll bring some chips.