.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Wednesday! 

“We have a tendency to want the other person to be a finished product while we give ourselves the grace to evolve.”

Initially, I wanted to write about something completely different but I decided otherwise. Just because of certain events that took place during the day. Blogging is so strange sometimes. I wanted to write this story down just for myself but here I am, sharing it and not sugar coating anything. Capturing this moment exactly for what it was or how I perceived it. Writing for me is like therapy. When I was a child and felt sad, I wrote the most. This way it got out of my head. 

I try to keep it breezy and light when I write posts on this blog. If you followed Sometimes Raw for a while you know that I have the most posts in Inspiration, Art and Parenthood. Things that move me, bother me, tips and tricks and I am also careful what I am sharing, not sharing too much and  keeping certain things private. Today, however, I want to say so much more. I want to talk about how upset I felt about a certain situation that I had to deal with. First of all, I want to say how grateful I am for this life I am living, with my husband and our son that I feel like crying sometimes. It is perfect. For me. For us. Today, we took a long walk in the afternoon, as we usually do, since my husband is here in Germany. When we came back we stopped at our local little bakery to get some bread and pretzels. Our son was in the stroller, happy, content, waiting for his cheese pretzel. An elderly man walked out of the store, approaching us. He looked at us the entire time and just before we passed him he spat on the street. 

Le husband did not even care. Not in the slightest. He kept on walking but I felt disgusted by this man. How can anybody do this? Okay, maybe he just had something in his mouth that he wanted to spit out. Maybe a piece of tobacco, maybe a piece of bread. Who knows. His look on his face said it all, however. This mean and angry look to show us he is annoyed and disgusted by “our family”. By us.  This is how I felt. This is how I perceived it. This is what made me so sad and then angry. Just because my husband has darker skin and I am white? Who the hell cares. It took me about an hour of thinking and being angry until I was able to let go. I talked about this whole thing with my husband and he said, “Snap out of it. You don’t even know if this all was directed towards us. You let him win if you still think about it and are mad!” He is right. Of course, I don’t know exactly, what this man’s intentions were, but I do also remember the look on his face. For me, this is what counted. I did snap out eventually, but then decided to write about it. And to write it off in a way. And to share this with you. I am amazed but not surprised that racism still exists in this way. Sad, don’t you think? 

I don’t want to harbor bad feelings or anger for anyone. Today, I reached this point when I realized how important it is to just let go and move on. It is difficult for me because I am the type to obsess and obsess until my brain explodes.   I realized that I cannot change anyones else’s behavior. Just my own. Everyone on this planet lives in their own reality. Maybe this was the best this man could do while walking towards us. Maybe not. Maybe who cares. I have to stop asking myself why he spat on the ground right in front of us. I also have to stop being frustrated why this man reacted the way he did. I don’t want to excuse his behavior and  I cannot change it. This man has his own reality he lives in, full of his own reasons and truths for his actions. Another thing my husband said was, “Just stop it and put your energy in the right place.” I have to stop wasting my energy about things like that. Just let it go. He spat on the ground, that is his thing. I let it go and don’t waste my energy overthinking the whole thing. Easier said than done. I am not too successful at this point, but I am trying to get better at it. Seriously, I was so mad but in the end  I forgive him in my mind. I let it slide like water off a ducks’ back. I want to end on a positive note. Life is good. 

Black and White and Love All Over. 

Hello and Happy Sunday! 

“No matter where you are and no matter what is going on around you, this is the only moment you ever have. Tomorrow may never come, and your past is long gone. The future, with all its promises and anxieties, may never eventuate. All you have is this moment, right here and right now.” – Gala Darling. 

Self-love is important and life is limitless if you do understand that. I am not an expert on this, far away from it actually, but I am getting there slowly but surely. Of course I read everything on this subject I can get my hands on. I heard about Gala Darling before and followed her blog for quite some time. Gala suffered from eating disorders, harming herself and unfortunately much more. She explained a lot about her therapies, tapping and more on her blog so basically, if you read it, there is nothing new in the book. It is autobiographical with a series of homework, bullet points and lists. Let’s say, if you are new to the self-help/self-love scene this book might be great for you. It has a good introduction but if you already dove deeper into self-love it is most likely a bit boring and redundant. 

“Don’t be shocked by the fact that everything in your life feels crappy, and that you can never find a lover who treats you right. All of this stuff comes from not loving yourself. Truly. Everything we do in life comes from a place of fear or a place of love. How often do you think you allow fear to motivate you? How many times a day do you act from a place of love?”

What you will find in the book are tips on what to do when you are sad, how to love yourself and how to find more happiness within. The author also writes about loving others, that can only truly work if you love yourself first. Many tips, homework and tricks can be found in the book along with an easy to read format. What I really liked was Gala Darling’s somewhat energetic, funny voice. No doubt, Gala Darling is authentic and she comes across like as she lives her life according to what she talks about and preaches in her book. She also created the Badassery movement and explains all about it. I liked how she tries to help the next generation of women on how to find joy and adventure and that it is important to listen to your heart. You can have your cake and eat it too! However, for me, the book is simply lacking depth but it is a great beach or bathtub read. 

Is this book for me?

If you like to read something fun with some sort of inspiration, grab a copy of this book. It is most certainly entertaining but nothing ground breaking. Read it if you need a bit of a dose of self-esteem and tips on how to create this life you always dreamt about. If you are stuck in a somewhat soul-sucking job or dealing with a bit of  soul searching this book might lift you up or help you. It is important to enjoy life. We only have this one shot. 

Hello and Happy Wednesday! 

Le husband and I dated for one year and a half before we got married. We moved in together after three months! Crazy? Not at all. We spent most of the time together anyway, either at his or at my place and we knew it is right; it felt right, so we just did it. We saw each other every day. Cooked for each other, spent quality time together on our days off. When we met we both worked full-time at the United Nations and I was about to finish a Bachelor degree and attended school in the afternoon/evening full-time. I am not sugar-coating anything here. It was a tough time. During the week I usually came home at 9.30 pm and was exhausted. He waited for me with a cup of tea, a glass of wine (or two) and something small to eat which made it all okay again. 

Then our son was born and things changed. Le husband went on a mission with the United Nations to Africa and I moved temporarily to Germany with our son. From spending time together every single day to dealing with a long-distance relationship was hard in the beginning. I had my family around for support with petit Joel but the man I love was 8000 km away. We see each other usually every four-six weeks for one week. There were days when it was really tough, the internet did not work, the time differences and so much more. We used emails, Facebook messenger, FaceTime or Skype but it is just not the same than talking to someone face to face. Especially, if something awesome happened. The first steps our son took or the first word(s) he spoke [and amazingly, Papa was among the first five words!] Le husband saw all these things just as videos I made for him. I started this habit to record a little one-minute video every morning after we woke up for over one year. Looking back at all those it is amazing to see how fast our son changed. Imagine, these gadgets would not exist? Technology is pretty awesome! Can someone figure out how to teleport humans through the phone? 

Distance can be a beast sometimes. Especially being that far apart and when I sometimes hear nothing from him for a couple of hours. Horrible, considering the work he does! Even a little note would make me more comfortable but thankfully this does not happen that often. Almost never! 

But guess what? We found our little groove even with a bunch of countries between us. We found out when the best times to chat online are. When it is best to reach him in the desert. Where to stand to have the best connection. We realized that we became better writers. We wrote long emails to each other. Hearing that all-familiar bling when an email from him arrived made me so happy. Making plans for our future helped us a lot, too. Realizing that he will be back home soon helped. When we do see each other we appreciate the time together more than anything else — and of course seeing each other again after a month+ feels always like a first date again. Before he arrives, I am all antsy, check my hair,nervousness and dress up a little. We enjoy being together more since his mission assignment. Distance makes the heart grow fonder! 

These days le husband is here with us in Germany and it is great. We cook, take long walks, go running together, read, go to the movies occasionally [Thanks, Mom] or just sit outside watching the stars while talking forever, contemplating life. Then we laugh so hard that we have tears in our eyes. Life is good the way it is. We appreciate this time together and how our life turned out. Everything is manageable and actually not that bad. Even when I lived with our son alone in Connecticut it was all good. We figured things out, and made others work out better. I changed in a good way; became even more independent and proud of myself dealing with tougher situations alone. And little things that used to slightly annoy me, don’t bother me anymore in the slightest. However, it is always better for us to be together, obviously. The three of us! And still feeling those butterflies in our stomachs after all this time. Looking at the stars tonight, I remember why I am here and whistle a Chim Chim Cher-ee while holding my husband’s hand.