.SOMETIMES RAW.

“I am Homosexual and I am afraid about what my further will be and that people won’t like me.”

Have you heard about Humans of New York? Recently, I have had some so called “missing New York flashes”. It comes and it goes and because I am following HONY on Facebook I get reminded daily of the people walking and living in the Big Apple. Humans of New York stole my heart a long time ago. Brandon Stanton is the photographer and takes portraits of people walking the streets of Manhattan and worldwide and capturing them so well that sometimes it makes me tear up. From street musicians, to homeless people to fancy people walking on 5th Avenue checking in at the Plaza Hotel – he photographs them all. Everybody has a different story and the photos are all beautiful. The way he captures the pictures is the special part.

I have been living in the city for a long time now and usually when I walk around it is just easy to get into your little zone and don’t even notice the people around you. He asks the strangers a question which is usually a very simple one. Like “Tell me about a scary moment in your life”. Then the person answers. Every time I find it amazing how Brandon Stanton does it. Here are his pictures that moved me the most so far. Enjoy! 

“I’m different than other people. I’m never sad. I make my life happy through discipline. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I eat lots of fiber. Every day I take a walk in the park to think about my balance. I’ve been a chef, a fashion designer, a painter, and now I’m learning martial arts. I do Tai Chi in the park every morning. It helps give me energy for my painting. I have already learned forty-two moves. I’m ahead of everyone. I’m almost eighty years old, but all the women in my group think I’m in my fifties.”

“I got married a few months ago. I mean, she’s my everything and all. But I’m just trying to get used to having someone else’s opinion around all the time. She doesn’t like my beard so she’s making me shave it. Today. At 6:40 PM.”

“I’m a rare book librarian. I get to touch books every single day. My colleague and I have a joke that we are Defenders of Wonder. A physical book assigns a sense of reverence to the content inside. It’s the same feeling you get when you look at a painting or hear a piece of music. And I think that’s something worth defending. And just like a book gives reverence to it’s content, I think the library gives reverence to books. The building itself is a masterpiece. So many famous thinkers have come here to study and write. Just being here connects you to that lineage.”

“Let me hide the cane. It’s only temporary.”

“My husband died of cancer 18 months ago. But every day I still get to see his smile, his kindness, and his sense of humor.”

“While I was in prison, I had a stab wound that wasn’t healing correctly. The stitches weren’t dissolving like they were supposed to, and they were pinching and poking me like plastic needles. But the prison doctor wouldn’t authorize me to go to the hospital. I had to write a grievance about the doctor, just so I could get approved for treatment. When my treatment was finally approved, they did some blood tests on me. The prison doctor called me in his office and said: ‘Do you remember that grievance you wrote about me?’I said, ‘Yes.’He said, ‘You’re HIV positive.’”

“He had a four centimeter tumor removed from the frontal lobe of his brain. He cries a lot now. He never used to cry, but I’ve probably seen him cry twenty times since the surgery. He always says, ‘You’ll never know what’s happening inside of my head.’ He’s still good with my name, but he’s forgotten a lot of others. He tells the same old stories over and over. He’s best at remembering things that happened a long time ago, so I think he clings to those things.“

“I don’t look like an electrical engineer, but I’m in charge of power continuity in Manhattan. Don’t get me wrong– I have a boss. But I’m the only black woman who is the shift manager of a control room. So when it’s my shift, I’m running shit. And I’m proud of that.”

“I used to have a walking cane with an iron pipe inside. But one day this guy called me a bad name, and he looked like he was reaching in his pocket, so I stroked him with my cane. I thought I’d killed him. So now I just use a regular cane.”

“I’ve been here for three hours. I’m just killing time. My mother died last week, and I’m waiting for the court to call so I can pick up the death certificate. It was supposed to be ready this morning.”

Brandon Stanton came out with several books so far. This is his first one and so awesome. This one came out last year and it is on my Wishlist. Also this one. If you have an Instagram account you can follow Brandon Stanton here. 

To Try to See the World through the Eyes of a Child. 

These days, my son is all over my husband. He wants to play with him, be close to him, watch and observe him to learn and ask one million questions. When I see them together, I can see the love in my son’s eyes. He just is not only looking at his Papa but he searches for the face of safety and familiarity, of love and warmth. He knows my husbands face from day one. My husband was the one who held petit Joel first while he opened his eyes slowly. It was perfection and the most wonderful thing in this world. My son! 

His tiny little voice in the morning when he wakes up and calls for Mama or Papa is so cute, even though I would love to curl up in my bed and sleep longer. Usually, he wakes up early after I had a long night of reading and writing – do these little guys do it on purpose sometimes? Who knows, they might unconsciously tell us to go to bed earlier. Amazing what I learn from my son on a daily basis. With little to no sleep at night, I wake up grumpy and while looking in the mirror and wash my face I see some soft tiny wrinkles that just begin to crease my face. My son does not see these around my face. He also does not see this one grey hair that I discovered a couple of days ago. He also does not see when my legs are unshaven. He does not see my imperfections and the way I sometimes critically see myself – these little flaws. All he sees is Mama, his everything. His Mama. 

I think it is amazing that this little person, this perfect child of ours just finds perfection all the time around him. The see this world in such a beautiful, simple and pure way. There is no time for judgement, for norms and rules or stereotypes. He lives on intuition and his heart is full of love and observes this world with his big eyes constantly. These eyes are accepting and open to all that he is able to become and to all this beauty in the world. I think this is an amazing inspiring, healthy and incredible way to look at life, no? If I see the world just for a moment each day through his eyes, everything would become so much more beautiful. I want to focus more on this perfection of every single day and everything around me – just the way it is. Even my tired eyes in the morning. These eyes that can smile and make my son happy. I want to see things more clearly and uncomplicated – like he does. 

So many things bother me and most are in hindsight just useless to even think or worry about. All these things don’t bother our son.  He is content and lives every single day to the fullest. I have to keep in mind that we do have each other, that I am working on loving myself unconditionally and that we have a ton of adventures and things to make ahead of us and most importantly we do have our health. 

And when my son wakes up tomorrow morning – ready to start the day but I am tired, I will put on an honest smile to be reminded how beautiful it is that he is simply here with us, healthy and the best thing in my life. My son. 

Hello and Happy Monday! 

“Row row row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.”

Today was just a somewhat gloomy day. I did not sleep well, it rained and was dark out all morning and I simply felt like meh! Of course the lunch that I tried to cook did not turn out too well and this little line of negativity dragged somewhat through the entire day. What can help? Mostly to talk to my husband but today I needed to be alone for a while, grab a book and head to the next café to do what I really love. Drink coffee, think, write and read. While I felt sad, writing down some notes, I thought about my husband. He is usually really good at feeling happy, being positive and giving me this little smile that I love and makes me forget how bad the day was so far. 

While I sat in this little café today I thought about marriage and relationships. When do you know that he/she is actually the one?  Is it a feeling or a special moment? I will tell you what it is for me and what works for us.  First, I can do all scenarios above in the cartoon and he won’t lose it and pack his things and leave me. We love to laugh and he thinks I am funny. Yeah, I can be pretty funny. We love to talk to each other. He let’s me bitch to a certain extend (almost unbearable extend!) and did not leave me yet. To get married was the best choice because we simply knew it would be great to be together (officially with a piece of paper telling us that we are). We also know that we can do  and achieve whatever we want together. Through him I learned to adapt to anything quicker. (“Basically from 0 to 5000”) We are comfortable together. Months and years later we reached that slightly less exciting stage when we are both more comfortable than ever with each other. Peeing while he is in the bathroom is okay. (Nothing more though, hah!) We can be silly, confusing, sweet and so much more together. We know how to fight and if I forget one or two rules he reminds me. 

We became a team and mostly pull on the same string. Nobody is ever 100% perfect, right (Besides him, mmhm)?! Together we make everything better. The sun will shine even though there are clouds. Sometimes it feels like being with him is a short vacation from reality. We can talk without a period at the end of the sentence. Especially about movies, projects and books. We love sushi. Yay, sushi!  He has many great ideas and we make plans together for the future. (“We? We?”)  We don’t want to imagine life without each other. For him, love is action; for me emotion. We both appreciate the small things we do for each other. My husband has this ability to make me laugh when I need it the most. He just knows somehow. We can laugh so easily. When we have each other, everything feels okay. I am usually just the one freaking out once in a while – he stays calm. Basically, as soon as I met him my life felt better. I found myself prettier, smarter and he just gave me this feeling that everything is “normal”. No problem or condition from the beginning. (He says: “We did everything in order because it was important for me to not mess it up”) We bring out the best of each other. He believes in me and I believe in him. Usually, I am constantly worrying about everything. With him it has gotten so much better. There is just this overwhelming sense that “everything will be okay in the end. And if it is not okay, it is not the end”. (He says: “It is not the end because there is always a solution or a Plan B”)

Does my husband ever annoy me? Do I ever annoy him? Hell, yes! Annoying things my husband does: Usually goes to bed later than I and wakes me up every single time. Snores. Takes his time and is never in a rush (well, he is French!) Annoying things I do: Being German. Thinking about saving money too much.”You talk sometimes like we live under the bridge like Oliver Twist”. That fact that I cannot keep in mind that we are all humans and everything is always so dramatic.  Temper. Punctuality.  Drama Queen. Emotional. My husband says he has a list that he will not take out at this point. 

Over the years you will figure out what annoys you about the other person. You do live with him/her so it is inevitable. It does not matter who you date, eventually, they will make you crazy sometimes. Annoyances aren’t a killer for us and it is worth being together because we just make it work. With one person working slightly more than the other. 

Are you currently in a relationship? Do you know your partner is the right person or do you have doubts? I would love to hear from you. And so does my husband. 

Thank you for reading my blog.