.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Monday! 

Sometimes I have this problem to turn my attitude around and I just stay miserable and annoyed all day long. Actually, I am in a weird, almost depressed mood since Sunday afternoon. It hit me when we left my sister’s place or more the awesome garden party of her parents in law. I just dwelled on negativity the entire ride back home but tried to hide it from my parents and my son. I just realized that I hardly ever write about negative or annoying things in my life. I tend to write about inspirational and positive things because this is how my life usually is. Funny, great, full of laughter and good vibes. I think it is important to mention that not everything in my life is happy sunshine and that I have real sad times as well and I am super moody at points. These are the time when everything is out of balance. Then one thing follows the next and it all ends in a somewhat micro depression. This feeling like I would be stuck in a toilet bowl and somebody keeps flushing and I cannot crawl back out. 

Luckily, I am not suffering from depression but there are times in my life when everything seems to fall apart or there is just no positivity anymore. It does not last too long and I do get over this moodiness or sadness quickly but it does exist. It makes me realize that I am not perfect. Nobody ever is and nobody is happy all the time. Sometimes I just feel like crying my eyes out – like today. Nothing seems to work out and negative events keep on coming. This makes me frustrated and I would love to just curl up and not be bothered by anyone to try to find solutions. It is so difficult to find those positive sparks when more stuff is piling up and this “poor-me”-thinking is all that is in my head and I cannot cheer myself up. Well, my family, husband and son usually can. Through negative days like this however, I do appreciate the good days even more. I think it is just this choice that I have of being happy or sad but sometimes I just cannot help it and fall into this hole of negativity and complain about everything and the world. For me it helps to surround myself with people I can talk to, people who understand me, to write or to listen to music. 

Also, I haven’t written a post in two days and I missed it so much. Yesterday I sat down to write but nothing of value appeared on the screen and I ended up going to bed even without reading. Wow, that sad! I really enjoy blogging or writing and to document my life here is fun and a good way to look back on it and reflect on family and friends. To have this creative outlet helps me to get all these thoughts that are in my head out into the world. Right now, I am thinking about you, the reader who sits on the other side of the screen. My hair is up in a messy bun, red lipstick and Chanel Mademoiselle on [Yay, Airport duty free!], my sweatpants and his hoody on while listing to Radiohead watching my husband fall asleep next to me. So, this is my side of the screen. There are just so many thoughts going through my head that sometimes I think it might explode.

Have you ever experienced “drinking-sadness”?  This weird state of mind after you drink all night at a party and wake up the next morning with a headache and feel like you “never want to drink again” or “you never want to mix drinks anymore”? Well, I experienced this as well on Sunday after the BBQ. The evening was perfect. The next morning not so much. Saying goodbye to my siblings made it all worse and there I was – stuck in the hole of misery. 

Now that my husband is back, things are so much better. I am more content. I am happy. We talked about traveling and “if not now, when?” popped up here and there. We had an awesome dinner outside in front of the house even though neighbors looked at us weird because according to them it was way to cold. I am imagining you out there now, reading all this and smiling. You are reading my thoughts and might think that I am weird to post these random thoughts about my life and my family. I think you have a lot going on in your life as well but you do take a couple of minutes to read what I have to say. Life is good the way it is even though there are some grey areas once in a while. And I have seen another door slowly opening while I crawl out of this toilet bowl. Nobody is flushing. 

Hello And Happy Wednesday! 

I love to make beauty products. Simply because I know what is in them and they make my skin look and feel better if I don’t use any chemicals. So I bought this book The Glow by Anita Bechloch and try different recipes to see how they work best. I changed this Rich Moisturizer recipe a tiny bit because I did not have all the ingredients at hand. Today I will share my recipe but if you want to have the original one from the book, send me an email.

First some of the ingredients I used. 

Yep, my son “helped” making the cream. This rich moisturizer works well for dry or sensitive skin. 

Ingredients

20g Sheabutter

20g Kakaobutter

15ml Calendulaoil

35ml Jojobaoil 

5ml Melissenoil 

5ml Nachtkerzen oil (Evening Star/Primrose oil!) (very expensive!)

5ml (1Tablespoon) Glyzerin

2,5 ml (1/2 teaspoon) Vitamine E

Essential oils I used: Grapefruit, Ylang Ylang, Lavender 

How to make the cream

1. Melt Shea- and Kakaobutter in pot with low heat. Take melted butter from hot plate and let cool down to room temperature.
2. Add Jojoba-, Calendula- and Primrose oil and mix
3. Add Glycerin and Vitamin E
4. Mix everything well with whisk until creamy
5. Add cream in sterilized cream jar (I always keep some tiny empty jars around for creams and whatnot)
6. Let cream cool and harden in refrigerator

How to use it

In the morning I wash my face with clear water only. Then I apply this toner I made. This usually does it for me for the day. [I will write a post soon on my updated makeup routine!] However, some days my skin is extra dry and I apply this face cream. It really works well as a foot cream at night before I go to bed. Apply when you are in bed and are most likely not going to leave it anymore. Haha! Slippery. But it makes the feet nice and soft. The cream will expire after approximately six months and you should store it in the fridge through hot weather to make it last longer. You can also divide this amount of cream in two little portions. Fill it in smaller containers and freeze one. Works really well too! This is me, ready to start the day after applying my moisturizer. Just kidding. This is me being silly.

Have a wonderful day and let me know if you give this recipe a try. I would love to hear from you! 

Hello And Happy Monday! 

My blog is a daily lifestyle blog and I don’t really like this term. Initially, I started writing a bit here and there as a hobby but soon I realized that writing daily is what really makes me happy. Maybe seven months ago I purchased this one-year editorial planner which made it easier for me to keep track on what I want to write and what I have written. I also have a plan what I want to post at what day but recently I keep restarting and deleting drafts because I am just not sure this fits anymore. I felt it is not noteworthy enough. Blogging is just so strange sometimes. 

Is this called writers-block? Most importantly, I don’t mind if anyone thinks my posts are just blahblah. I like what I write and what I talk about. I do my thing and what makes me happy. I am also fine with not having updated my blog with a new theme yet – I am still searching however, but not desperately. Also, it is okay for me not be be on Snapchat and all the other apps that are out there. I just don’t get comfortable with it and it drove me almost crazy. If I wouldn’t mediate [haha, I wrote medicate first. Medication would have been what I would have needed if I tried  Snapchat one more time!] every day, I would be a complete mess by now. For me these days it is essential to find a balance that I feel most comfortable with. Reading, blogging, researching, keeping up with the latest “everything” while taking care of myself is tough sometimes. I just have too much love for this blog and what is has become by now. 

On a different but not necessarily lighter note: my friend said the other day that some posts made me sound OCD. Well, if the Tantrum post was crazy to some, what does this entire post make me look? And maybe it is my obsession with books and reading that I have any iota of control over. I just love it so much. [You might need this information if you sign me in at Shutter Island!] It is always like this: some days are better and some are just the worst ever. My son has a cold since Friday night and his little snotty nose is driving me crazy. He woke up last night at 2am! screaming his little head off. I am wondering how long my heart takes this. Imagine sleeping safe and sound and out of a sudden you hear the loudest screaming ever. [Beware, he does not ever sleep in the same room with me. Hell no!] My oh so lovely child who usually sleeps through the night like an angel turned into a nightmare for the last couple of nights. He is perfect most of the time, seriously. But sometimes everything comes together and I do appreciate a much needed time for myself in the evening and at night. I am with him all day long. So last night I just walked back to my bed, sat down on my bed and cried. I felt alone, old and desperate for some sleep. [Well aware of his cold I had gone to bed before 11pm; but still.]

I also understand that he is the one with a cold and does not feel comfortable but c’mooooon at some point. The other thing is that I try the hardest not to get sick myself while being coughed and sneezed on all day long. Yay, to this strong immune system of mine. Still standing tall! As a mother, you have to get your stuff shit together. There is not time to get sick or to cry or to think back how “nice it all was before I had him/her”. It is just the way it is now. He is here! And he is sick. And he just screamed for apple juice. I will be right back…..

Since I am here in Germany I am able to get breaks from my son when I really need them. Don’t even ask about the time when I was alone with him in New York for a couple of months. Mothers always need breaks, right? And whenever I am apart from him I do miss him and I cannot wait to see and kiss his little face again. But sometimes I am just on the edge of losing my mind.  Sometimes I do scream at him. Not very often but if I have to he is just not listening at all. [Usually this happens if I am not content and 100% myself!] When I scream at him, people may think that I now completely lost my shit. Afterwards, my son hugs and kisses me and looks up asking, “Why are you mad, mommy? I LOBYU!” Sometimes I have to do the best I can, smile and keep moving forward. I LOB him Too and there is no going back and it is all good the way it is. 

Hi mothers out there. I would love to hear your thoughts. How do you deal with difficult situations? Do you scream and your children? Do you cry sometimes? What drives you crazy. I would love to hear from you.