.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Thursday. 

It is funny that many want to hear relationship or marriage advice from me. Like if I have it all figured because I look so happy. Keep in mind that things are not always how they seem and that nothing is ever perfect. My marriage is pretty wonderful I have to say and my husband and I will celebrate our fourth anniversary this year. I have no rules in my marriage but one. Do not cheat behind my back. If you met someone else just go for it but tell me before. It might be hard but not as hard as if I would find out through some messages, email or lipstick stains on his shirt. So this is about it. I don’t want to change him and he does not want to change me. Simple. Over the years [this makes me sound so old and wise, hah! Far from it!] I did learn some things about relationships and marriage. Just things that are fine for me and some others that are not.  As requested, here are 4 tips that work for us. [for now because we all change!]

1. Love yourself and it does not matter who you marry. This is actually the title of a book (also available in German) that I read a long time ago and enjoyed it because it is simply true. Know what you want, know who you are (I am still working on this myself) and be happy. The author explains and shares how she saved her marriage by applying some simple rules and guidelines. 
2. Don’t take each others air to breathe. Well, my husband and I’s marriage is out of the ordinary. What is ordinary? That your husband comes home from work every night for example. That you live together or that he/she is around a bit more often than what we are working with for two years. However, I found that being apart has something awesome too. It spices things up. Every time we see each other again it seems we are on a date initially. Usually we are apart four weeks or so. We both plan on not living like this forever but for now we have to make the best out of the situation. I am not saying to send your husband or wife on a mission to Congo. No, but let your significant other breathe and do their own thing. Just because you live together does not mean you have to BE together 24/7. Everybody should have their space. This worked for us as well when we lived together before mission-life started. We all need time to recharge and be alone once in a while, no?
3. Argue in style. Nothing is perfect. We already established that. And there are arguments or even fights in every relationship or marriage. But the key here is (or with anything really) to not go over the top. No cursing really – it is just not necessary. I am not even going into beating each othe. This should be a no-go in every relationship. We are all stressed out sometimes or had a rough day. There are also times when we feel grumpy and snappy and whatnot. Just don’t assume things! [Assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME!]  Ask politely what is wrong with your other half and don’t take it personally if he/she says they need some time alone to calm down. Just be polite and calm. I learned that the louder I get the quieter my husband gets. This usually works and makes me think why I even argue with him. Usually, arguments arise because I am not 100% myself at that time. I am working on it. Constantly. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. 
4. Discover new things together. When my husband and I are lucky to spend time together it is beautiful on its own. But for us it is important to learn something new. Read something new. Read something together and then talk about it. Travel and discover a new country. Go to the opera or see a movie we have not read anything about before. Binge-watch a series. Go dancing. Just don’t stop. Always evolve. But also discover on your own. See what interests you, see what you could try and maybe discover a new passion. Or just be. Together without doing anything while enjoying the silence. Since we have our son, things changed significantly. There are quite fewer date nights or restaurant visits but we realize that we can make it happen if we would love to. And it is necessary to just get away together once in a while. We both agree that we don’t want to lose ourselves and each other just because we have a child. I find it wonderful to still learn something new about him almost every day. 
5. Say “I love you” if you really mean it. Think about the words for a second. What does it mean to love someone? What is love in the first place? These three little words are spoken so easily but are pretty powerful and meaningful. 

What have you learned about your marriage or relationship? I would love to hear from you simply because there is so much to learn. 

“Romantic love is not the only love worth seeking. I’ve met so many people longing to be in love with somebody, to be rescued from their daily lives and swept into romantic bliss, when all around there are children, neighbors, friends and strangers also yearning for someone to connect with. Look around and notice—possibility is everywhere.”

Hello and Happy Monday! 

I received a bunch of questions after my recent post L’amour Fou. Readers told me that love is nice and sweet and that someone is lucky to have found “the One” they should most certainly stick with them. But they would love to know if I ever had a bad break-up and how I dealt with it or how I removed attachment to this past relationships. Well, let me tell you something. It all depends on who broke up with whom to begin with. 

When he broke up with me, my heart felt like this frog in a blender. I loved this person so much and all he did was cheat on me with his previous girlfriend while I was in police academy during the week. Well, it was not even his previous girlfriend because I found out after that they never even called it quits. It hurt so much. Let me tell you I have tried to even forgive him and take him back. This just never worked for me because I always knew that the cheating-scenario was in the picture so eventually, we ended it. Not an easy break-up.

Then I realized that I just had a boyfriend and that we just broke up. I hate saying goodbye. When I broke up with this particular boyfriend there was the initial denial period when I realized in the evening that he is gone, or at night, or in the morning or at any time in between. It sucked. I tried to figure out how I could still make it work even though there was no way back. [He was back with his Ex for f**** sake!] The hours and days were endless in the beginning. I looked at my phone constantly. Maybe this damn thing beeps and he sends me a message that he wants me back or that he still loves me. None of those messages came. My family said: “Forget this loser. You are better off without him. He sucks. He did not even look good and he does not deserve you!” [I thought: “What do I ever deserve? What does anybody deserve?”] I did intellectually agree to my family and friends but I surely did not feel better. I put so much energy into something and then it is time to stop – which was so weird to realize. During this break-up I just stared at what happened. The entire time still I could not believe he really cheated on me. I searched the internet for anything on heart-break and break-ups to commiserate and I ended up with tons of music. I tried to make myself feel better in a very resourceful way. Emphasis on the word “trying”.

Friends told me that I did not do anything wrong which I did not believe. Maybe if I would have done something different he would be still with me, rather than with her. I missed him. He hurt me so badly. He betrayed me. It all sucked.The weirdest thing I thought was that this relationship was perfect. We took hand-holding to new heights. Love letters, roses, dinners you name it. I still wanted to stop it all and fix it even though it was over.  “What the hell is wrong with me”, I thought while listening to this song over and over while tears were running down my face.

This German movie helped me a bit! And these tips below. Maybe you get some comfort, maybe some advice if you need it. Read on if you like.

1. Working out and listen to Yourself  I chose jogging. It seriously helped me; it made me feel better. A nice side effect was loosing a bit of weight. Try Yoga or Mediation and connect to something bigger than this loser. 

2. Remembering that I am okay the way I am. If he does not want to be with me, well f*** (forget) him. I am okay the way I am. He cheated, so f*** (forget) him ever more. 

3. Talk to your friends but don’t listen to all of them. Your friends know you but you should know yourself better. Don’t listen to everything they say and think that everything they say is holy! Everybody is different. Some need a bit more time, others don’t. You know who you are and what is right or wrong for you. If you think a therapist an help you, seek some advice. 

4. Listen to Modern Love. There are many others who go through the same thing as you do. Even worse break-ups. 

5. Read. Go to your local bookstore and read something by an author you just discovered. Get a cup of coffee and try to keep your mind and heart off this person who hurt your feelings. 

There is always a new day and I know the saying Time heals all wounds is one of the first things anybody tells you but it does work indeed. Eventually, the day looks a little brighter again, even though it is cloudy. And think about how you can spread out in your bed now. Yay! I know, you might still try to feel the other person with your foot and he/she is not there.  “Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay it is not he end.” – John Lennon. 

Finally, I would like to share a video of this gay couple that I thought was really well done. Enjoy! 

Hello and Happy Friday! 

So this week was crazy and stuffed with so many little things that I lost track there for a bit and realized I have to slow down, stop and breathe to smell the roses again. Realizing that everything could be taken away from me at any time hit me hard. My problem I have to work on is patience. I want everything and I want it now. Whenever it comes to something new I would also like to try it all, know it all, experience it all and learn learn learn. And if I cannot achieve this in the shortest time possible it makes me uncomfortable and annoyed all the way to angry and aggressive. If I see books piling up in my office and I have no time to read because of X, Y and Z I hate it and I wish the day could have more than 24 hours to get everything accomplished that is on my to-do list. I realize I do have a son and I do have responsibilities other than just writing and reading all day. I wish I could do that more though. This is life. Everything I do I want to do with love and stop stressing out about unimportant things. And guess what? If I don’t feel like doing something, I just don’t. Easy to write, more difficult to set into action. So I slowed down a lot this week but of course Five Things continues. 

Reading: I like F. Scott Fitzgerald’s writings. My favorites so far is The Great Gatsby and Tender is the Night. At the Leipzig Book Fair I picked up TWO books only – and one is Die Strasse der Pfirsiche. [English: The Cruise of the Rolling Junk] . It is a light read about Zelda and Scott road tripping. Yay! It seems good so far. I also enjoyed this article from the New York Times after I started and finished Fabio Volo’s Lust auf Dich last night. Absolutely beautiful and worth reading. 

Watching: My husband told me about the movie Finding Noah a while ago and I did not have “time” to watch it. Well, I just took the time, did nothing else and watched this awesome movie. I definitely recommend it. I also enjoyed a great documentary on Nora Ephron: Everything is Copy. It is available on HBO. At the Book Fair I discovered that Tschick – the movie will be released this summer. I finished the book on the train to Leipzig and really loved it. I am not too much into Young Adult Literature but this book is also for almost any age I would reckon. It is a page-turner for sure with an interesting story but also depth,  funny language and a special little twist. And lastly, Anomalisa is finally available on iTunes. This movie sounds so amazing, no? Have you seen it? 

Listening to: I mentioned Modern Love – the Podcast several times already just because it is so good. I do look forward to every new episode. Listen to this one if you would like. Does anyone still remember 2Raumwohnung? I remember listening to their songs throughout a great time in my life – Police Academy in Würzburg. Sometimes a single song can bring up so many memories. Especially this one.  I discovered, that they came out with an album in 2013 that I never listened to. Yay! 

Discovering: So many new conferences and book festivals everywhere. The Eifel Literature Festival sounds great. I love TOMS Shoes. The classic Alpargatas are my favorite! I wear them throughout spring, summer and even in fall. [I would love another pair in black, size 9 hint, hint! You know who I am talking to ;)] While I browsed thought Youtube somehow I discovered the band United Crushers and this song. Repeat-one, until everyone around me is annoyed by it, hah! 

Enjoying: To watch my son discovering things. I thankfully received a lot of comments regarding yesterdays post on Tantrums and it made me feel better to realize that I am not alone out there. Other mom’s experience the same almost daily and sometimes even worse. Yep, it can always be worse. Keep that in mind. And even though this little guy is driving me insane a lot lately, I do love him so much and today was a perfect day. With this thought I am signing off. 

Have a great weekend and Happy Easter Egg Hunt if you are into it.