.SOMETIMES RAW.

So today, there was this amazing event at my independent  bookstore of choice where everybody was able to stroll around in the basement and get all the books 50% off. Say whaaaat? I was there as soon as I was able to peel myself off the couch in the morning [Saturday morning cartoon binge-watching] and after having a light lunch [pho-me-now]. <3

Petit Joel was with me and I quickly realized that exploring a bookstore basement piled with books is awesome for me, but not so much for him. He was okay for an hour or so and was also the only child there. 

I spoke to a friend about what [happiness] is and how things changed for me since Petit Joel is in my life. Happiness used to be wine glasses filled with a good red, restaurant visits and talk with friends at bars until 2 am. This all so familiar sound of high heels clicking on pavement when we walked to a book reading at night while adopting the New York fast-walk. Things changed and down the line a different lifestyle started molding as soon as he was born. From brunch on Sunday morning at Les Halles and reading the Book Review section in the New York Times after I got a manicure done to sleeping in because he had a stomachach all night long. 

Walking through Central Park while taking pictures and clicking the shutter of my camera got replaced by Petit Joel kicking and swimming crazily around inside my belly while I was pregnant. Now writing and reading in the afternoon has been replaced by Paw Patrol while yelping for help. [Happiness] is now enjoying seeing him gulping down some fries with Ketchup while I burn my lips and tongue four times chopsticking the noodles in my pho. 

When I became a mother I never thought I know it all. I got almost depressed piling all those tiny shirts and sweaters in his dresser while people asked me if this is hard. There was/is the sleep deprivation that just never stops and I feel it a lot these days. Has my life completely transformed? The first couple of weeks when Petit Joel was in my life I felt this intense change that I almost could not stand; those days were exhausting and burdensome but in a way they were not. His smile in the morning made it all worth it. And I have to add that everything is possible – even with a child. Life does not stand still. Coffee, lunch or brunch? I just bring him along. Museums? He is fine. Road trips and flying with him? No problem. You just have to walk into any new situation with open arms and no excitations of any kind and you will be fine. Sometimes, when it gets tough, I love when someone tells me, “It is okay. You got this. Don’t worry!” [My mom is pretty good at this] 

So today, when Petit Joel started using piled books on the floor as stairs and was happy to climb up to conquer Mount Everest, I knew it is time to leave the bookstore. I got another hint that it is time to go when he started to take books out of the shelves to read them and throw them on the floor after. I felt my heart stopped for half a second while the bookstore staff gave me “the look”. These are times when I think, “I cannot do this and this all sucks. I just wanted to enjoy the bookstore and my beloved books!” Or when he gives himself haircuts (how did he even find the scissors) and is all proud. It all makes complete sense. This is Petit Joel. He discovers. He learns. He explores. This is something I unconsciously knew from the get-go – from the time he was this little tiny thing trying to roll himself off the bench in my parents kitchen. I hear myself using the same words my parents used with me: “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “You do as I say!” or “That’s enough now!” and my patience shrinks more and more. I am not proud of yelling at him, ever. Is it necessary? 

I continue to grow and life is complicated. Who said it would be easy? Are we just wringing it day by day, year by year  ? The key is not to do all this mothering alone and to connect with other women/mothers who are crazy enough to talk to me and exchange their experiences. To simply find your tribe. To find the mothers who stand beside me when the goings get’s tough and who are not afraid to talk about it either. Also, friends who agree that there are just not enough hours in the day, not enough hands, not enough patience sometimes but that it is all okay. These women who seem to be perfectly happy with everything while balancing it all and tell you about their perfect life and their perfect children and perfect days spent at the park while they listen to everything their kids say and are all so content simply don’t exist. Baby Yoga? I need a massage. This is how “It takes a village” looks like? Let the dust settle a bit while this illusion shatters. This village means that we realize that we [the mothers] are in this boat together. We honor each other, even though we feel like we are failing. There should be some empathy and understanding to one another. There should not be judgement but rather honesty. I am doing my best here. “My village” is salient to keep me grounded and make me realize that I am enough and that it is all okay. Let him climb up Mount Everest. 

I just saw my next tuition for my Master is due end of November and I wondered why this is so expensive. Shouldn’t education be free? I don’t want to get off on a tangent here but someone asked me the other day what my philosophy on money is or on a broader perspective – what is happiness? Let’s dive right in, I would say. I responded: “Oh, that’s easy!” But then I was stuck. It is not really that easy. I went for a walk to think about it. Walking helps me to straighten things out in my mind but still, I did not come up with a satisfying answer. Then, after a while, I realized that the question was wrong. I have a bunch of quotes that I love and whenever I stumble upon one that is especially good, I write it down in a journal. “Invert, always invert”, said Carl Jacobi and I think this is so true. I interpret it that some problems must be solved backwards and by trying to think about solutions. And honestly, this money-questions made me want to tell the person that it is really NOT the goal in life. Isn’t money just a facilitator? Okay, we can buy nice things, but once we have them they usually become arbitrary. So what are my goals in life? Let’s get galvanized. Read on. 

Number one goal for me in life would be health because without it, nothing else really matters. Also, to surround myself with the best people out there who challenge me, love me the way I am, respect me and make me a better person. Another goal would be to be out in nature as much as possible but also spend time at the library (not “berry – you cannot pick berries there) to have mental stimulation.

I want to explore the world, different cultures, different languages, different food and whatnot to open and broaden my horizon. I want to increase my knowledge by thinking, reading and talking and have communications about it all. I don’t want to hide and just read on the couch even though that sounds awesome, too. I want to exchange knowledge – have artistic intercourse if you will. 

Do you see a pattern here? Most of these things are free. Of course, one can say that nothing is free in life, and I do have to purchase the plane ticket to fly to Vietnam, Germany or Australia but there is always a way to figure those things out if I really want to go there. The same goes for books. I stopped shopping at certain big bookstores and rather spent my money on used books or in independent bookstores. So much more fun, cheaper and the main focus is “the book” which it should be. It is just salient to realize that all those expenses are just so tiny when you take the bigger picture into consideration. 

Time is precious! Time is important Besides health, I reckon that time is the most valuable asset we have. Don’t we always say that we need more time to do X, Y and Z? “If I only had more time I would write you an email but I have been sooooo busy!” (Truth about this is, you ALWAYS have time to do what you want. You just don’t want to write that email!) Sometimes I wish there could be more time to read more books! There are just so many out there that I never even heard of. Well, maybe this is positive too.

What can we do to have more time? Sleep less? I am up fairly late every night which is not a good idea and I am working on getting more sleep. Sleep is important! How about minimizing the time to work for money? I have an easy life these days because I “just study” and don’t work. However, I earned my own money since I was 17 years-old and it is nice to be financially independent. I know what work is! I am also not talking about “working less” but to “stress less” about work. Life is beautiful and we should enjoy every single second of it. How much money do we really need? Which brings me back to the question I had mentioned in the beginning of this post. “What is your philosophy on money?” and I just change it to “What’s your philosophy of life?” “What do you really want?” 

I read the amazing book “Walden” by Henry David Thoreau about ten years ago or so but many quotes from it stick with me for many reasons. 

I believe that Thoreau was definitely ahead of his time as far as financial planning and simple living goes. His wisdom is rather timeless, this is why I do reread certain passages from time to time. Here are some of my favorite quotes that speak for themselves. 

“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.”

“As with our colleges, so with a hundred ‘modern improvements’ there is an illusion about them; there is not always a positive advance… our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end.”

“I intend to build me a house which will surpass any on the main street in Concord in grandeur and luxury, as soon as it pleases me as much and will cost me no more than my present one.”

“A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone.”

“Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.”

“All news… is gossip, and they who edit and read it are old women over their tea.” (No bias against old women or tea here) 🙂 

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

Life is this awesome journey. We meet new people every day and learn something from each and every single one of them. I love to go to bed at night and be content because I learnt something new today or I made someone happy. Or I am just a better person than when I woke up this morning. Almost in a dramatic, visceral way like, if I fall asleep tonight and won’t wake up tomorrow, it was a good life. I want to be a positive person to myself, my son and others on a daily basis. 

My goal and dream is to minimize the number of years that I have to work for money, live modestly and enjoy a certain type of lifestyle that is good for me. Many people tell me that I am very fortunate and I know I am. But thanks for the daily reminder in case I ever forget. Sometimes life seems like living in a fairy tale because I choose not to sleepwalk through it. 

“No one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life,” Nietzsche

Philosophy is great. I have read a lot; understood, maybe half of it, if that.  However, after watching the saddest movies on this planet, I am in the mood to write and share some thoughts. I recently have been thinking about this journey of becoming who I really am. I mentioned that University is tough, but Albert Einstein said once that “doing something with such enjoyment that you don’t notice that the time passes”, is true and something I live by. It is hard (salty?) but I love to study and grow mentally. And isn’t learning simply discovering – maybe the discovery of what causes our own ignorance? 

Also, it is not only about inhaling a plethora of information but to discover and learn what is within me. I like to uncover my own abilities, to open my eyes for the new, magnificent and maybe challenging things and to find out what my true potential is. What is going on? What am I capable to do and are there ways to enlarge my life? There will always be difficult situation; this is life. But I try to figure out how to cope or deal with exactly those situations better. 

I am a huge fan of Bruce Lee and especially like his philosophy on learning. 

“We do not have to “gain” freedom because freedom has always been with us and is not something to be gained in the end through strict and faithful adherence to some definite formulas. Formulas can only inhibit freedom and preformations only squelch creativity and impose mediocrity. […] Learning is definitely not mere imitation or the ability to accumulate and conform to fixed knowledge. Learning is a constant process of discovery and never a concluding one.”

“Learning gained is learning lost. The knowledge and skill you have achieved are after all meant to be “forgotten” so you can float in emptiness without obstruction and comfortably. Learning is important, but do not become its slave. Above all, do not harbor anything external or superfluous; the mind is the primary. You can never be the master of your technical knowledge unless all your psychic hindrances are removed and you can keep the mind in the state of emptiness (fluidity), even purged of whatever technique you have obtained — with no conscious effort.”