.SOMETIMES RAW.

I have been in law enforcement for many years now and really like my job. Like everywhere, there are tougher days and smoother days, meaner bosses and nicer ones. Are you afraid of Security? Do Security Officers make you uncomfortable? I understand, making your way through a security check can be stressful, especially if you are in a rush. I will share with you everything you need to know about Security and to go through any security check as smoothly as possible.

Follow these easy steps and you won’t have any more stressful security experiences. I promise.

• Be prepared. While you may wait in line, start removing your belt, watch, and maybe separate your laptop from your bag.
• Once you approach any Security screening area you will put all of your bags, metallic objects (and sometimes shoes) in a tray/bin/box on the conveyor belt to be scanned. If you have a Ziploc bag of liquids in your bag, remove it to be screened on its own. If you have any objects that would show up on the x-ray as a box, such as a laptop, tablet or video game system, remove it and send it through separately.
• Take off any jackets, hats, scarves, and sunglasses.
• Remove all metal objects, including keys, loose change, jewellery, etc., from your pockets. If you get confused, just ask a security officer politely who should be able to help you.
• Wait for an officer who will tell you when to walk through the metal detector to the other side of the conveyor belt. This area is where you will pick up your items.
• To make things easier, wear clothing and shoes without too many metallic embellishments.
• X-ray will not harm your camera!
• Don’t put your pet through the X-ray machine. At the UN, pets are not allowed to bring in (except service dogs), however, it may be possible at other locations. Ask the Security Officer.
• If you forget to empty your pockets, you will have to step back, empty them, place the items on the conveyor belt and then go through the metal detector again. You may also have to be screened by a hand-held detector or pat-down. Emptying your pockets completely before will speed up the screening process.
• Don’t rush, run, be too hectic, and push others aside to be ahead of the line.
• Don’t talk on your phone or shout. Be calm.
• Regardless of the hectic atmosphere at the security screening, take your time and ask questions if you are not sure. If you rush through the screening process, you may forget to take one of your personal items with you.

Not every officer will be as nice as I am. I mean, I am the nicest one you may ever meet in your entire life. But, if you are friendly and don’t show asshole behaviour, any Security officer should be nice to you, too.

Less Glorious Security Officers you may encounter:

• Officer Know-it-all. Officers who think they’ve “been there and done that” and will bore you with stories of past incidents in the security and law enforcement fields and quotes a plethora of Security Operation Procedures and paragraphs until your head spins. They will also say things like, “we have always done is this way” (even though it does not work well and they simply do not want to change things) or “this makes so much sense” (even though it does not and would be easier in a different way)
• Officer Ass Kisser. Officers who suck up to management or Supervisors to get a better post, overtime or even their job.
• Officer Slacker. Officers who seem to magically disappear when it’s busy, you need backup or the building is burning to the ground. This person has a unique ability to find a hiding spot, but can instantly appear if a supervisor is doing his rounds.
• Officer Rat or backstabber. Although often guilty themselves this officer piece of shit will throw their whole shift under the bus. They’ll go into the supervisor’s office or send an email implicating others in a recent incident involving other officers, setting off harassment cases out of nowhere mainly to get colleagues in trouble.
• Officer Whiner. This officer can moan and groan an entire shift about working conditions, pay, the weather, the boss, other officers etc. They are so good at it that they’ll get into your head until you actually buy into their bullshit. Often they seek out the ones who are easily manipulated to complain to. This way they can get them to complain openly to management, thereby marking them as a troublemaker. Although in union meetings or contract negotiations, whiners sit quietly and never respond.
• Officer Break abusers. Sometimes your job requires you to give other officers a coffee, washroom or lunch break. A little leeway is a given with a few minutes here or there. But there are those who out of laziness, idleness or even dislike will return from a break ten minutes or later. They are aware that in some posts you can’t just walk away. Also that every break you have to give after them will be late but they don’t really care. If it isn’t bad enough being alert for eight or twelve hours a day, at the end of your shift, your relief is late. This is usually done by an officer who hasn’t caught on to the concept of time. Or an officer who hates their job, or life or simply does not give a fuck.

The Bottom Line The Bottom Line or What it all boils down to:

How to be a good security officer and not an asshole: It’s taken some trial and error, but here are the six ways that work for me. Set expectations (but not too many), set consequences, and then be fair. Don’t demand respect. Be direct but friendly. Have a heart – but don’t be Mother Teresa. Don’t worry about being liked. Pick your battles wisely.

Security processes, while perceived by many as annoying and time-consuming, do serve a purpose. Many illegal items are confiscated on a daily basis, and people and property are protected. Security officers are human beings, treat us with respect. Or as you would like to be treated. Remember that we have to deal with angry employees and visitors on a daily basis. We usually take a lot of risks just due to our position. Simply showing us respect and following the procedures will make our day much easier. Being friendly and getting to know us often is also nice to do if it is sincere. Remember, we also have families, interests, etc. outside of work. A simple “thank you” goes a long way in showing appreciation.

JOB TITLE: Several positions.

JOB DESCRIPTION: To be a possible candidate, you’ll have to spend 97% of your mental and emotional energy making yourself small enough to not be a burden. You may spend the other 3% of your energy cherishing dreams of a better world or workplace, but we ask that you maintain a professional demeanour and keep them to yourself.

The right candidate will have a winning smile, the kind of smile that doesn’t die, even a little bit, even if he/she/them/they hasn’t/haven’t found a reason to genuinely smile since arriving in the morning.

The right candidate will have the patience of Mother Theresa and the fortitude of a Tibetan monk when paper gets jammed for the hundredth time in the piece of shit printer (no colour except on the executive floors) on which we spent two thousand euros.

The right candidate will never let on that anything in their personal life is impeding work because the right candidate will understand that this job is the most important thing that has ever happened to them.

The right candidate is strongly encouraged to attend every meeting, company picnic, party, company happy hour on Fridays, and ice cream family event with a big smile on their face, even and especially if those events are during the weekend. If the candidate shows poor attendance to these it will negatively reflect upon their annual review.

The right candidate will find the phrase, “you don’t have to be crazy to work here but it helps” funny, even after they hear their supervisor says it numerous times.

The right candidate must be well dressed and follow the organization’s guidelines on dress code. Women can dress attractive, but not in a threatening way. No red nail polish or red lipstick.

The right candidate will find every coworker who holds the title of “Director” charming, funny, handsome to a degree, and worthy of her time. Likewise, they will shower any coworker who holds a supervisory position with a level of respect not dissimilar to envy, admiration and awe. Even if you have two Master’s degrees and you won’t get promoted (like ever) the right candidate is fine with it.

The right candidate will not get pregnant. The right candidate, in fact, would be better suited to the role if she were unable to become pregnant but if it does happen it is fine as well. Actually, since the gender policy is very important to us, we will accommodate any pregnancy.

The right candidate will not complain.

The right candidate will not be sick. To call “sick” looks bad so don’t do it.

The right candidate won’t use “personal days off”. The right candidate won’t use “family emergency days off”.

The right candidate (for specialized departments only) will know martial arts in the unlikely event of an active shooter situation. A rudimentary knowledge of disarming an aggressor with a firearm is preferred but not required. (We cannot pay for martial arts classes but offer an excellent wellness program that includes acupuncture for you and a free health screening from a Chinese medicine “expert”.) There will be a fitness test where the candidate needs to hang on a rope for two hours.

The right candidate must have simple written and verbal communication skills. Their skills need not be “mad” in this field, but sufficient enough to say good morning or write your name. Analytical skills are an asset.

The right candidate will find fulfilment in everyday tasks and will, in general, be the kind of person who doesn’t aspire to more in life apart from what they already have.

The right candidate will be available on short notice to work overtime even after two or three hours of sleep only. It looks bad to decline overtime.

The right candidate will be available for missions, conferences, and short other assignments on very short notice.

The right candidate will have no serious outside interests. Running is OK. If you have kids, have a nanny on speed dial because as mentioned above, work is priority number one for you.

The right candidate will not have high expectations regarding the functions of our HR department. Especially when it comes to salary, harassment, part-time option, worker’s comp, maternity leave, health benefits, time off, or basic listening skills.

The right candidate (for the management position only) must wear high heels at all times, even if it leads to discomfort or injury.

The right candidate for the secretary position must be able to carry heavy boxes, open boxes with knives, deliver hot lunches to conference rooms, and calmly usher more important people out in the unlikely event of a shooting. Also, must be able to answer many phone calls and write the occasional email.

The right candidate will not be overheard speaking unpleasantly to supervisors, even when they are rude and tell them they are stupid, useless, sounds dumb, sounds unlovable, that this is not a good idea, that we don’t want change since this system worked fine, and that promotions undergo a transparent process and fair process, etc.

The right candidate will have completed all the mandatory online courses before the job interview. Especially, the ones on racism and gender.

The right candidate will not, ever, under any circumstances, cry.

Further, a strong candidate must:

• Be physically fit but, you know, not scary thin (#bodypositive)
• Don’t be fat. There will be a fitness test newly implemented
• Be amusing but not actually funny (everyone knows there’s no such thing as a funny coworker)
• Smart enough to understand when and how to agree with management, but not overbearingly intelligent (as in, to the point that you might disagree with management)
• Emotionally vulnerable to the extent that you cry at weddings, but never for anything that actually relates to your life (because let’s face it, then you’re probably being too sensitive)
• Be able to express dissatisfaction, but only in a nice way, and only if you make it clear that your anger is never directed at anybody specific. No one likes a nag.

These job requirements can and will change at a moment’s notice. Luckily, an entire subculture of Internet trolls exists to let you (and us!) know when you’re not doing a good job at the application. Essentially, you will need to be endlessly nurturing, understanding, competent, and selfless, but like, be casual about it.

NOTE: Female candidates are always preferred. Transwomen/men as well. And any person of colour and race.

PAY: Depends on prior experience, and salary history, but definitely a good salary. Possibility to work overtime to the point that you won’t see your family and friends again.

CONTACT: We ask that interested candidates send in their résumés, headshots, and thoughtful cover letters about why they’re not like other (potential) candidates. We’ll get back to you in a timely manner (by “timely” we mean “when it is not an inconvenience to us”).

FINALLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: No follow-up calls, please. Don’t be so needy.

1. If your purse contains five M&Ms, two cough drops, and one sleeve of Ritz cracker crumbs, how much Frosted Flakes dust is in your bra?

2. You and your partner each work forty hours a week, and you handle 81 percent of tantrums, sick days, and snack inquiries. Calculate the weight of this “invisible load.” Convert that amount into uneaten child(ren) dinners.

3. You’re driving four kilometers per hour, humming along to Paw Patrol, when you back the minivan into the garage door. At what speed does your self-worth vanish?

4. If you’re a lawyer turned stay-at-home mom with three kids under five, how many applesauce pouches can be purchased for the price of your law degree? Factor in a 12.77 percent overcharge because math is hard for women.

5. You are screamed at by a volatile little guy who does not want to eat his lunch. Moments later, you slip on several dozen marbles or Legos. Are you (A) raising a child or (B) performing in a local stage adaptation of The Three Stooges?

If A: Solve for x if x² + your child’s age = your sad, saggy yoga pants.

If B: Solve for x if x² + (whoop)(whoop)(whoop)(whoop)(whoop) = narrating narrating narrating

6. You put a half cup of spinach into the blender when making smoothies. At what decibel do your children’s violent shrieks register? One is shrieking because you didn’t let them help, and the other because “nobody likes disgusting spinach.”

7. It takes 29 seconds for you to use the bathroom. It takes 3.1 seconds for your kids to fight over the iPad and crash into the fish tank. How long do you ignore Nemo’s gasps for water?

8. For everyone with three children: Child A goes to sleep at 7:00 p.m. and wakes up at 5:00 a.m. Child B goes to sleep at 10:00 p.m. and wakes up at 6:00 a.m. Child C, a.k.a. Surprise Devil Baby, wakes up every two hours. At 2:45 a.m., Child A wets the bed. Divide the hours you sleep by the cups of coffee you drink. Multiply this number by 0.00015 to calculate your quality of life.

9. You and your partner have had three date nights in the past 483 days. Solve for x if y = a thriving marriage:

x + y + 6 = x + y – 6
(Hint: Ø)

10. What are the chances you would do it all again and not change a thing? Solve for infinity.

Answer Key

Out of my own experience, this is how it is to have a child. Long days, short years, nervous breakdowns—you will have it. This is normal. This is what raising a child looks. Wow. You didn’t realize? In that case, break a leg! Not literally, of course. Can you imagine chasing down your child on crutches? Don’t worry. It gets easier, or so I’ve heard.

Extra Points:

Oh, you don’t have a boyfriend yet but want to have a child and raise it way different and better than any other mom on this planet? A friend of mine says that the gym is the place to look for quality guys.

11. How do you spot a single guy at the gym? (Spoiler alert: Maybe not relationship material. Did I actually had to write this?)

Answer Keys:

He approaches a mirrored wall and checks his abs.

Talks loudly on the phone about a certain type of workout routine.

Talks loudly to another weightlifter about weightlifting.

When he is finished with the barbells, screams and drops them.

Cranks up a treadmill to full speed. Stands there checking his phone. Turns the treadmill off. Steps off.

Approaches a young lady on the elliptical. Tells her about his workout plan.

Bangs out a free-weight circuit with a rose in his teeth.

Wears huge headphones. Any time a lady comes near, whips them off and says, “What?”

Takes another look at his abs.

Once he really gets going, pulls on a knit cap.

Has a Muscle Milk sent to the lady on the elliptical.

Waits for her at the little table by the front desk. When she comes out of the locker room, kicks out a chair for her.

When she refuses to sit, returns to the locker room.

Ask the lady at the front desk if she’s single. Ask if she wants to get a Muscle Milk later.

If she says her schedule is booked, says, “How about right now?” because she’s obviously free now — she’s talking to him.

When she says no, says, “I insist.”

When she declines again, says, “Put it on my account.”

When she declines again, says, “I wish to renew my membership.”

Renews his membership. When she asks for his name and address, he asks for hers.

Says, “Fair is fair.”

And if that doesn’t work, fuck it — joins another gym. This place sucks.

(I might have gone off on a tangent) Ha!