.Things that aren’t What they Used to Be.

When you wake up feeling great and everyone tells you how tired you look.

When you go to see the dermatologist to check a mole and he asks where you want Botox.

When a thirty-year-old guy arrives at a party and doesn’t even glance at you.

When you can guess from his personality what kind of a lover he is.

When the Canadian Prime minister is younger than you or pretty much every intern.

When you have more hangovers than actual parties.

When you no longer know who all the hip actors or singers are.

When someone says you have a sexy gaze, but you are actually just squinting because you don’t want to get your glasses out.

When you tell someone you have known them since they were in diapers.

When you share an anecdote from ten years ago and realise it is actually been twenty.

When you would rather go to bed early to make the most of the next day.

When you are just excited to go home. And to bed.

When your colleague was born the same year you graduated.

When people no longer ask if you plan on having another baby.

When a younger woman says she hopes to look like you someday.

When you go to the ob-gyn for mammograms rather than birth control.

When you feel an ache somewhere and fear it might be the beginning of the end.

When selecting your year of birth on a website means scrolling down forever.

When the face ID on your phone doesn’t recognize you in the morning.

When you are told that you are “damn hot for your age”.

When you smile at the naïvité of a young woman’s remark, whereas before you would have just found her stupid.

When you think that’s a pillow mark on your cheek, but it is still there a week later.

When you forget that it is a bad idea to plan on working while on holiday.

When you forget what your alcohol tolerance is. You are still convinced that you can handle yourself five glasses in.

When you forget that new love stories come with baggage: workaholism, travel, and sometimes even an ex-wife and kids.

When you forget that you have to pick your battles. You cannot get hung up on everything that bugs you.

When you forget that happiness is discipline. It comes from you.

Things that don’t count as a workout.

When you forget that working out is vital for your mind.

When you forget all those times you tell yourself you are exercising (when actually, you are not)

When you flex your butt while brushing your teeth.

When you flex your butt again while waiting for the elevator.

When you finally take the stairs.

When you make love. You read in some magazines about the quantitative relationship between sex and energy expenditure. The 150 calories on average, per go, really adds up.

When you carry your child in one arm and change sides regularly, he is basically a dumbbell. (ha!)

When you dance (while drinking) and you persuade yourself that sweating is proof of your muscular exertion (and not just a sign that your body is trying to get rid of the alcohol through the pores of your skin).

When you leave late for a meeting and you walk very fast to try to get there on time, you tell yourself that there are speed-walking competitions, so you are working out.

When you rode your bike to work until your bike got stolen. It was a good month while it lasted.

When you watch basketball on TV, shouting in support of your team, and you end up exhausted, concluding, “WE played well.”

When you sit in the sauna. Because you have decided that this qualifies as “exercise”.

When you try to remember something because your memory is a muscle too.

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