. Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms Out There.

But especially to mine. I love you, mom. No matter what. And of course, to me.

This is a clarification on how urgently your mom needs to talk to you, based on what she left you on your voicemail.

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie. No big news over here—and no rush to call me back.”

Urgency: I am bursting to tell you HUGE NEWS. (The township finally paved over that pothole.)

– – –

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie, just calling to say hi. Nothing’s wrong.”

Urgency: Something definitely is gravely wrong.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but it’s not important. Talk to you later.”

Urgency: We had to put the dog down. Two months ago.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, how’s it going? We’re good here. I have a tiny favour to ask, no big deal if you can’t—I know you’re busy.”

Urgency: Dad was in a terrible accident and lost a lot of blood. The hospital is out of the unusual blood type you and he share. He’ll die if you don’t come to the hospital to donate blood within the next hour.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, I have a question for you—nothing urgent. Don’t even bother calling back if you’re too busy.”

Urgency: Someone has accidentally pushed the button to launch one thousand nuclear missiles in every direction. Only you know the “abort launch” code, which must be input within the next forty-five seconds to prevent the extinction of all humanity.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, how are you? I miss you, hon. Okay, love you. Bye!”

Urgency: The second glass of wine just kicked in. Within ten minutes, I will forget I made this call.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie—nothing big going on, but call me back as soon as you can.”

Urgency: Dad and I are both dead. This voicemail is coming from heaven, where children never screen their mother’s calls and always answer on the first ring.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Call me back right away. It’s an emergency.”

Urgency: Someone I think you went to school with is on the local news.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow by Email