.SOMETIMES RAW.

I think it really hard to find the perfect pair of jeans. Don’t you? Like the perfect size of Levi’s 501, for example? Salespeople don’t make it easier either:

For the Gentlemen

1. Get out your measuring tape. Measure your waist.

2. Measure from your crotch to your foot.

3. Take those two numbers in the order you measured yourself. You are ready to buy pants.

4. Don’t buy skinny jeans. Ever!

For the Ladies

1. At what age did you first learn about death?

2. Add one for each candy bar you eat in a day—be honest.

3. Did you think about carbs today? How many times? (Add one per instance.)

4. What is your star sign? We figured we’d ask in case no one has asked you today, even though it doesn’t change your pants size.

5. Have you dressed in sweat pants most weeks since 2020? (Add four.)

6. Subtract two if usually wear H&M stretchy skinny pants in size 16.

7. Do you know how to reset your router or attach the word “giraffe”on a tag to a photograph on a MAC computer? Take away a third of your size.

8. If your butt were food, what food would it be?

• A sack of raw flour (subtract one)
• Watermelons (add five)
• Gluten-free ciabatta sprinkled with artisanal Parisian herbs (leave the number as is)
• A bag of Haribo Smurfs (add three)

9. Can you describe what your running shoes look like? (If yes, subtract five.)

10. Get out your measuring tape. Measure the smallest part of your waist if you like high-waisted pants. If you prefer pants down at your navel, measure there. Subtract this number from your running total. (It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters.)

11. How many one-size-fits-all items do you own that fit you? (Add this number to your running total.)

Now you might be ready to buy pants. This method is about as accurate as measuring your body. Size up if you are buying clothes in the United States. Don’t forget that odd-numbered pants are smaller than the others. Size down to an even number if you prefer nice, even numbers and denim without holes or “distressing.”

Good luck!

I spent a lot of time exploring my body. Hang on, that doesn’t sound quite right. What I mean to say is, I like to constantly be in touch with my own body. Okay, that’s not right, either. My body is a wonderland. I don’t even know why I just said that.

What I am trying to say is that as I have gotten older I have started to pay closer attention to my body and to my physical well-being. I think we all have to do that as we get older. We have to check ourselves out, literally, to make sure nothing has appeared or disappeared or grown or shrunk or tightened or loosened or sagged or ulcered or bulged or inflamed. I really hope you are not eating.

Once we hit forty our bodies go through a lot of changes. Even if we are in really good shape things start to slow down. Our metabolism slows down, our reflexes slow down, sometimes we become slightly more forgetful. I don’t want to alarm anyone who isn’t there yet, but you should know that a day will come when you leave your keys in the freezer and try to start your car with a bagel. You should also know that studies have shown that after age fifty there is a 97 percent chance you will pull your groin while putting on a bathing suit. It is a proven fact. You can do the research on your own time.

I actually pulled my groin after running a few years ago. I don’t even exactly know how I did it. All I know is when it happened I was right in the middle of a forest and it ruined everything. The problem with pulling your groin, besides pulling your groin, is that there isn’t a delicate way to treat it. Whenever I pull a muscle in my back, I get a massage to make it feel better. When you pull a muscle in your groinal region, it is much trickier. You cannot ask a stranger to massage it. That’s why I had to ask my male babysitter to do it. And I will be honest – at first, it was awkward. But then it was beautiful.

We have to take care of ourselves as we age and that includes getting procedures done that are invasive, uncomfortable, and at times what many would refer to as “third date territory”. One of those procedures is a colonoscopy. I had my first colonoscopy years ago because of reassuring intestinal pains. I am sure you all know what it entails, but if you don’t I will explain it as best I can. Basically, a colonoscopy is a procedure where a camera starts downtown and travels uptown.

I didn’t know exactly what to expect when I went in for my colonoscopy. First of all, because of my work schedule, I had to get mine done on a Saturday. Luckily, there was a little kiosk close to the place that did the colonoscopy. Next door was an ear-piercing place. Weird, I thought.

The first thing I had to do when I got there was put on a gown. I think it was by Chanel. I don’t normally wear gowns, but this was a beautiful one – open in the back and slightly off the shoulders. They made me take everything off except my socks. I guess they let you keep those on so that don’t feel totally naked. As it turns out, even with socks on you still feel totally and completely naked. I don’t know what they are thinking. Socks or no socks, all the important parts are still out and about.

After I was in my gown and socks, the doctor came in and greeted me. She was also wearing a gown so I tried to make a joke like, “Hey, isn’t it embarrassing that we are wearing the same gown?” She laughed but she was holding a needle at the time, so it suddenly felt like a scene from Misery. Right away she started to give me sleepy-time drugs. That’s the medical term. And all I remember after the sleepy-time drugs is saying, “I gotta get -” and that’s it. I was out for the rest of the procedure. When you wake up, it’s a little disorienting. You are not sure where you are.

Another routine procedure that every woman needs to get is a mammogram. Now, the word “mammogram” makes it sound like it is going to be a fun experience. You think a cute little grandma is going to show up at your door to sing you a happy birthday song or something. Unfortunately, that is not the case. A mammogram is less like a fun song and more like an industrial-strength sandwich press.

The difference between a colonoscopy and a mammogram – well, there are a few differences obviously. One takes place above the equator and one takes place below it. But the other difference is that with a mammogram you are fully aware of what is going on. You don’t need any drugs to knock you out because it is not a painful procedure. It is just uncomfortable and awkward, especially given the fact that you are standing face-to-face with the technician working the machine. At least, it is awkward for me anyway, because inevitably I have t make small talk. Talking about small talk: Don’t you think it is weird when a dentist asks you all kinds of questions while your mouth is stuffed with these cotton things and wide open and a million other things are going on in your mouth? Or the small talk the gynaecologist makes while he is between your legs examining you? One more question while I am at it: Does a trans-woman go see a urologist dressed as a woman or dressed like a man? Or does a trans-woman see a gynaecologist? I am asking for a friend.

I cannot believe they haven’t yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, “Put that thing there so I can crush it.”

I am getting away from my point. My point is, these tests are very important. And I don’t mind telling you all about my groin, my colon, and my breasts if it means helping you take care of yourself. I just thought of something else I could share with you. Would you like to hear about one of my moles? Okay. Moving on.

I had a conversation about babies with a colleague at work yesterday and if it is a cool idea to have another one. As for me, I am more than done. But if you are thinking about it, I will gladly help you. You know I love to help others with tons of advice.

So, do you find yourself at a crossroad and terrified of going in the wrong direction? Not sure if you should have (another) kid(s) or just eat a Toblerone? Life is full of twists and turns. Below are some of my friend’s concerns and I have some answers.

I’m a woman in my late 30’s.   I’ve been married for 3 years but we fight a lot and it seems to be getting worse rather than better.  I felt like if I got pregnant it might help give our relationship an anchor—something we both love that would bring us closer together??  What should I do? – Claudia, 37

Solution:  EAT A TOBLERONE

Thanks for writing.  If you’re really worried about your relationship, a fun thing might be to eat a Toblerone Lady-and-the-Tramp style, each of you starting at one end of the Toblerone while you gaze into each other’s eyes and then later your partner could roll a separate Toblerone toward you with his nose?  (Hard though, because Toblerones are triangular and will not roll easily.)  Probably do not have a baby though, sorry!

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A lot of my friends have settled down and started families and I feel like I’m behind—like I’m somehow less of a woman than people who have started families.  I want to finally feel like I’m a real grownup.  Advice? – Alexandra, 34

Solution: DEFINITELY JUST EAT A TOBLERONE

Eating Toblerone is the quintessential adult activity!  Do you regularly see little kids walking around eating Toblerone?  If you answer, “Yeah, all the time!” then maybe you should just be thankful you have the money to travel so often.  Eating a Toblerone will make you feel like an adult, whereas having children will more likely make you feel like an anxiety-ridden basketcase with a minivan full of rotting fruit.  Hope this helps!

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I love my job but don’t have children.  I’m worried that I’m going to throw myself into my work and career my whole life and find that when I’m old there’ll be no one to take care of me.  – Kirsten, 40

Solution:  OBVIOUSLY THE ANSWER IS STILL EAT A TOBLERONE

Look, I’m not sure what line of work you’re in, but have you ever thought of getting a job with Mondelez International, the parent company that owns Toblerone?  Because that might offer you more financial stability than two children who will use up all your resources and then throw you away like a sheet of toilet paper in a truck stop restroom.  I have one child and am fully prepared to die in a field somewhere, to be devoured by vultures, probably.  I harbour zero illusions that my kid will ever be able to take care of me, nor do I even know what the world will be like when he is my age and I’m sitting in some sort of futuristic wheelchair, grinding down my dentures (my regular teeth having succumbed years prior to Toblerone-related decay).

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I don’t have kids and I love my job and my life.  I travel a lot and have a good circle of friends, many of whom also don’t have kids.  We have awesome talks about pop culture and art and books and human nature and life.  It would be hard to give up the amount of freedom I have to settle down and raise a family.  I hope to one day retire in Miami with a series of quirky housemates who (like me) have always loved The Bachelor, never feeling angry or bitter that my child who I think about all the time isn’t calling me and instead, being fully able to enjoy my existence.  I am also extremely allergic to nuts. – Veronika, 38

Solution:  I AM SO SORRY, UNFORTUNATELY IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION YOU WILL NEED TO HAVE A BABY

I am so, so sorry, but as Toblerone contains almonds, you should almost definitely have a baby.  I almost never give this advice to people, but depending on the severity of your allergy, having even a small piece of Toblerone would be extremely unwise.  I apologize profusely for the loss of your freedom.