.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hey there! My son’s birthday is coming up soon and like the last couple of years, I have been throwing a huge Halloween Birthday Party for him with a spooky treasure hunt, trick or treating around the neighbourhood, games, and lots of food. Every year the kids have a blast, and so do I. Since my son and I lived in the U.S. and Canada for many years and really have gone crazy with Halloween (Americans take Halloween to a different level), it has become his favourite holiday. I am not crazy about decorating on Christmas or any other Holiday, but on Halloween especially because we celebrate my son’s birthday, I am going crazy. If you still need some ideas on last-minute Halloween costumes for yourself and your family, here are some ideas.

Enjoy and Happy Candy-Hunt.

Mario, Luigi, and Toad

Based on the classic video game characters, this group costume perfectly encapsulates your life—both because your baby, like Toad, is always present without making it clear what they actually do, and because the platonic realities of parenthood mean that you and your partner are now essentially siblings.

King Arthur, Guinevere, and Launcelot

It’s never too early to permanently warp your child.

Three of the six Village People

Shit, honey, the party’s in four hours! Don’t we have a toy construction hat somewhere? We can make that work. What else? What else? Would the cop outfit come off weird after, y’know, all of 2020? No, definitely not the Native American. Fuck it—let’s just tell them Skyler has a fever.

Family of bumblebees

Will only work if Dad still fits into his yellow-and-black-striped rugby shirt from college. Which, come on.

A living recreation of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, where one parent is madly shouting into the void as the child and other parent look on from a safe distance

Would be cute if this exact thing hadn’t happened at the playground last week.

Iron Man, Captain America, and the Incredible Hulk

You think little Wyatt will sit still long enough for you to put that green muscle suit on him? Ha. Hahahahaha! Ha.

The Three Musketeers

Might give you the chance to mention how D’Artagnan wasn’t actually one of the musketeers, which, after sixteen months of constant fatigue, is the only remotely interesting thing left in your brain.

Homer, Marge, and Maggie Simpson

A humorous way to pretend you live in the days when a middle-class family could afford a home.

Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, and one of the ghosts

Instantly recognizable, this retro costume is an adorable reminder that your baby is trying to kill you both.

Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and a permanently scowling ball of frothing rage

You were going to dress up as C-3PO, but this is all you could muster after realizing what Congress’s refusal to address climate change means for your child’s future.

Lumberjacks

Because backbreaking physical labor now sounds like a fun change of pace.

A well-adjusted family where neither parent ever swears in front of the baby, even when the cat throws up for the third time in one day, and, oh, it seems the cat vomit got in the kid’s shoes, but that’s okay because you’re both adults who are always in control of their emotions

Halloween is all about make-befuckinglieve.

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame and two gargoyle sidekicks

Channel Victor Hugo as you highlight how breastfeeding has permanently destroyed Mom’s posture.

Zombies

Con? Mindless, bleary-eyed drones shuffling from place to place as they struggle to remember the feeling of being alive is pretty on the nose for you and your partner. Pro? The kid’s so cute in that makeup!!

The Three Stooges

Might as well embrace your child’s new habit of poking you directly in the eyeballs.

Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers

You can’t go wrong with these slasher-movie classics. Plus, if you let your toddler carry a real knife, maybe the government will temporarily separate you and you can finally check out Nine Perfect Strangers.

Three of the six dogs from Paw Patrol

Although your child hasn’t gotten into this show yet, you assume it has most of the same problems as the Village People idea.

Pirates

Ah, the open seas. Picture it. The freedom to sail wherever you want—to be whoever you want to be. There was a time when your life was like this. When the world was wide open, and you could chart your own course through the choppy, thrilling waters of your future while breathing deep the salty air of adventure and—oh, neat, your kid just opened the door while you’re pooping.

Two adults and one very young person

Hey, there’s always next year.

Dear all:

Due to concerns expressed by many staff members, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in the Charlio Building on Friday at 4:15 p.m.

Staff will enjoy complimentary cotton candy, calming lavender tea, popcorn, and balloons while roving jugglers and mariachis provide entertainment. Renowned motivational speaker Jay El Sunshine will guide staff through a ninety-minute journey and meditation of self-discovery titled “Keeping It Together: Reaffirming Your Love for Work,” which will remind staff that they are the lifeblood of this organization, and no sacrifice is too great if just one staff member can find value in their work experience.

– – –

Dear all:

Due to budgetary constraints, we have had to scale back the upcoming mental health fair.

“Keeping It Together for Three More Weeks: How to Think of Your Suffering as Punishment for All the Awful Things You’ve Probably Done” will now take place a week from Wednesday in the basement of the main building next to the room with the broken fountain pump. Please note the change of title and location. This session, now presented by Jeffrey O’Sobolom, the best of the best we have to offer, will help you realize that you aren’t going to die if you just suck it up, come to work, and finish your eight hours of work because this is what you are paid for after all. To be at work. Only a worker who actually shows up at work is a good worker. Also, sorry about the short-notice-cancellation but HR was informed so no need to complain.

– – –

Dear all:

For no particular reason and definitely not because of any scandal that has us scrambling to cover our asses, the date for the mental health intervention has been moved to early January 2025.

“Keeping It Together: How Not to Get So Burned Out That You Walk Out in the Middle of the Day” will now be a slideshow presented in the haunted room in the L Building by Phil Jimpac, head coach of the (COST) Complain-but-Offer-no-Solution- Team.

Even though we can’t admit how indispensable you are for legal reasons, we want you to know how important it is for us to appear to value you.

– – –

Dear all:

How are you? (Rhetorical question, no answer needed and we don’t really care how you are). Today’s mental health slideshow has to be postponed.

The COST was wiped out by upper management, and Phil Jimpac is providing round-the-clock complaints to them during this difficult time. Sorry for the late notice.

The presentation has a new title: “Please Stop Burning Out Before the Work Year Ends: No Security Means No Staff Means the Building Closes.” We were told sarcastically that the last title was insufficiently hostile, which we took as a challenge.

It will take place, rain or shine, on April 1 at 7:45 a.m. in the Charlio Building. Tea and nuts will be available for purchase. Those with mold sensitivities or a strong survival instinct may request to attend virtually.

The new presentation will make you see that coming to work is more important than your actual life.

– – –

Dear all,

Today’s mandatory mental health slideshow, “Going Through the Motions: How to Function Despite the Fact Your Supervisors Hate You and Your Job Is Destroying You Spiritually,” has been postponed again.

An important mandatory staff representative meeting is taking place instead but it is not clear if all members can or want to be present because of internal inquiries, so the president sent Coach Phil instead to beg for forgiveness.

It will now be presented on November 11th by the little guy who lives in the drug lab permanently; the drug lab is the one next to the old abandoned dark church. The meeting will start at 5:51 a.m. sharp. The drug storage “facility” in the chemistry building was already reserved by this little guy, so no need to stress this time. If you see him, ask him if he is hungry or if he needs to change his not-so-white lab coat.

– – – 

Dear all,

Today’s slideshow in a hazardous location about our indifference to your deteriorating self-worth has been indefinitely postponed. But don’t be sad. There is always chocolate. Have a good fall and winter.

The other day, a friend texted me…

“Sometimes I feel bad that I’m not a good cook,” she wrote. “I don’t make family meals from scratch etc. Does that make me a bad mummy y/n”

Of course, the answer is no. But I do understand her feelings. Before having my son, I envisioned sitting down for dinner, Norman Rockwell style, and sharing our hopes and dreams while breaking bread. But honestly? We didn’t have regular sit-down family dinners until now, and we still eat at the table together only a few times a week.

And yet.

I’m not an outstanding cook, but I crush it at being a mom.

When I think about my child leaving the nest and looking back on his childhood, I know he won’t picture epic homemade meals because I did not serve many. We eat simply, German traditional “Brotzeit” with cheese, salad, sausages etc, homemade pizza and as a special treat sometimes homemade sushi. Just nothing super complicated and fancy. So I might not be a super chef, but on the other hand, there are SO MANY BEAUTIFUL THINGS he will remember: back rubs and foot rubs and long talks in bed; playing Uno, Jenga, Chess, Monopoly; going on bike rides and taking walks at night. We watched all Guardian of the Galaxy movies in our outside movie theater in the backyard. We’ve enjoyed lots of ice cream in the hammock, and I’ve taught him how to change his bed sheets and apologize genuinely and mingle at parties. Most of all, they know that there is nothing in this entire universe that he could ever do or say that would make me stop loving him with my whole heart forever. Which I think is more important than anything else. But, for now, back to food.

Some families cherish the ritual of eating dinner at the table every day and that’s wonderful. And other families lean into different rituals. It’s a classic “good for her, not for me” situation.

Have you read Amy Poehler’s memoir, Yes Please? I expected it to be funny. But I didn’t realize it would also be wise and sharp and dive deep into what it means to be a woman. Here’s one of my favourite parts:

I have many friends who have had natural childbirth. I applaud them. I have friends who have used doulas and birthing balls and pushed out babies in tubs and taxicabs. I have a friend who had two babies at home! In bed! Her name is Maya Rudolph! She is a goddamn baby champion and she pushed her cuties out Little House on the Prairie style!

Good for her! Not for me.

That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again. Good for her! Not for me.

What a brilliant mantra, right? There are countless ways to be a good mother (and person), and we should trust our guts; we know that intellectually. Still, at certain moments, it can be hard not to sometimes compare yourself to others, and then doubt yourself or wonder if you’re at odds if you’re taking different paths. But in the end? “Good for her! Not for me.”

We each show love in our own way, and that’s where the magic happens.

So, I tell my son: “There’s nothing you could ever do or say that would make me not love you.” I will bring it up in conversation, or just say it out of the blue. Sometimes I will elaborate and add, “I will never be grossed out by anything” (work in progress) or “Even if you rob a bank, you can always come to me, and we will figure it out.” (with the police officer who might even be a former colleague whom I haven’t seen in ages so we chat and have coffee and cake and laugh it all off). It’s funny because I can be pretty strict about everyday things — table manners, grades, politeness — but when it comes to revealing my son’s larger fears/worries/dreams, I will always be a safe place.

I say certain things so often that my son rolls his eyes. He is like, duh, Mom, I KNOW.

When my mom told me these things, I would roll my eyes, too. But now that I’m an adult with a child of my own, I realize how lucky I was to feel that sentiment so deeply, and what an incredible parenting gesture it was on my mom’s part. I ended up feeling comfortable telling or asking her about anything — first kisses, school anxieties, birth control, the list goes on.

So, I tell my son: “There’s nothing you could ever do or say that would make me not love you.” And hopefully, he will see me as an ally as he gets older and his life and worries get more complicated. It’s funny how even a single sentence can sometimes be so powerful, don’t you think?

It makes zero difference if you’re a good or terrible cook, if you’re crafty or handy or can barely draw a straight line, if you’re athletic or clumsy, if you’re introverted or extroverted, if your house is neat or messy, if you’re divorced or single or married, if you are *fill in the blank*… who cares? If you love your child and you are involved and here for them, you are doing a great job. FEELING LOVED is what matters, in whatever form that comes. That’s all.

Do you ever say things like this to your children? Do you remember any sayings or advice your parents gave you? I’d love to hear…