.SOMETIMES RAW.

Good morning, team and colleagues,

I hope this email finds you well. The email was looking for you for a long time and finally found you.

I want to let you all know that it’s great to be back from vacation. As your boss, I’m ready to reassert my total dominance around here—and I have a ton of new ideas to prove it. Just under seventy-two million, in fact, but we’ll focus on the actionable ones relevant to this workplace.

I will share the following personal details to lend authenticity to this message without revealing too much: I spent my vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun, which was super expensive but I can afford it obviously because I am the chief and boss around here. I also have a pretty amazing penthouse in the city and a house at the lake but hey, you guys, I don’t want to brag. I worked for all of this. Hard. Very hard.

Okay, I have a sound idea based on rules-based statistical methods of what most of you are thinking: the boss goes on vacation and comes back with a clear head and a bunch of blue-sky ideas for fixing this place who doesn’t take into account the “the daily grind,” and how everybody is feeling around here. I do look out for my people, believe me. I do care. A lot about all of you. Hold on one second…. I will be right back. I just grab myself a panini and a nice coffee from the cafeteria. So, I am back….

Now, it’s possible I’m experiencing a brief hallucinatory high that will soon be subdued by real-world demands. I am aware of my defects, but I also know they will make me a stronger manager in the long run.

Speaking of paninis, while in Cancun, I enjoyed eating gallo pinto for breakfast every day. I can say with near certainty that black beans, rice, and cilantro prepared in the proper ratio and cooked with other ingredients such as peppers, onions, and garlic is delicious. Both Cancun and Nicaragua lay claim to gallo pinto as their national dish, which has proved to be a source of friction between the two nations.

Also, unlike your previous bosses, not once did I question my effectiveness as a leader during my vacation or harbor doubts about whether I am really needed around here.

I never thought, “I bet they’re loving having X, Y, or Z in charge,” or “Why do they like X better than me?”

Well, let’s get to the heart of the matter: Many changes will happen but first: Let’s build zip lines around here.

This action-filled recreational activity involving riding a steel cable between two points, generally in a valley, that exhibits spectacular sceneries is just what we need around this workplace.

Rosi, can you work on the design?

Jay, can you check on the materials?

Olivia, can you take a quick look at my screenplay and make an assessment? I worked on it for many hours in my office. It’s a political thriller based in a tropical jungle near the border of two unidentified Central American countries—one featuring the heart-pounding zip line chase scene. You will be trained by our highly professional training unit to be able to replay this scene at any given time. Why do I need to replay this scene you might ask? Don’t worry about it. Just do it. It is a requirement. It is also of high importantance to salute when you hit the ground again. This is the new procedure.

In closing, I want you to know the work you do is important and sometimes stressful… but so is mine even though it includes a lot of running around, online shopping, spying on you all, coffee breaks, and desk yoga.

In addition, I encourage everyone to take time off when they need it. But not during the months January to August when the zip line will be installed. For training purposes, there are leave restrictions from September to December but you can still submit your leave request. Good luck! If you call sick, it will not be negatively reflected in your monthly evaluation. I promise. Pinky swear.

And if you have any valuable ideas on how to make this place even better (besides the soon-to-be-installed zip line), please feel free to keep them to yourself. I’m pretty sure I’ve already thought of them.

Very Truly Yours, 
The Boss

(Daniel’s Poster, shrimp not depicted.)

Dear Mr. R.,

When you announced that our presentation on Strategy for Gender Equality would be a group project, I knew that I would do all the work and my partner (Daniel cc’d) wouldn’t help and still get a promotion. That’s why I wanted to call out which parts of the group project were mine.

I made the PowerPoint, which included details on the rise of Gender Issues and the entire LGBTQ+ explanations; Daniel made the “poster” with the shrimp taped to it. And when I finished talking about each slide, Daniel would point to a shrimp and say, “That’s-a-what this one represents.”

Gender and LGBTQ+ is one of the most important topics that ever existed, and I feel like Daniel’s shrimp analogies fundamentally confused the audience (and, frankly, me).

Honestly, calling what he made a “poster” is generous. It was just a bunch of shrimp taped to, as I’m sure you noticed, a BMW service coupon with animal hand-shadow puppets on it. And at the end of the presentation, when we were supposed to turn in our work, Daniel carefully peeled the shrimp off his poster and said, “My dad needs this coupon back because he is looking to get a service check. Also, how did everyone like the animals?”

I painstakingly fact-checked our presentation, going so far as to get an appointment with the LGBTQ+ ambassador and training with a linguist to ensure we correctly pronounced all the abbriviations. I made detailed notecards for Daniel to read, but he instead improvised random “facts” in the voice of a loud-mouthed Italian “soup chef” named “Buppi de Beppo.” And when I tried to steer our presentation back on topic, Daniel would randomly interject with things like a loud “Herroooooo everybody!” and “That a fact is like a slice of pizza: extremely rich!”

Unfortunately, he was getting laughs from the listeners, which egged him on, even though he was disrespecting the millions of people going divers gender issues such as transition, queer or non-binary. Those are the ones who are not sure which sex they are. Just in case you wondered. A fact that I’m worried got drowned out by Daniel’s screaming, “Get outta here!” to anyone who raised their hand.

Kind of unrelated, but Mr. Donatello, our supervisor, has asked Daniel to stop doing this character. He says that Daniel “relies too heavily on a somewhat problematic Italian accent,” a “restaurant name ‘Buca di Beppo,’” and his “overwhelming and frankly absurd knowledge of pizza” for laughs. Had Daniel taken these notes, he might not have ruined our presentation by screaming, “Calzone! You need white beans for authentic minestrone flavor—the Chief’s favorite Italiano zuppa!” What’s with his soup issue anyway? Nobody knows.

I tried really hard, Mr. R. I would even go to Daniel’s house to work on the project, and he wouldn’t help, because he was reading soup fact books to have “funny punchlines” for the presentation. While I worked on the one-page handout for everyone, he practised doing a chef’s kiss in his mirror, saying, “It’s-a-me, Buppi de Beppo.” And ultimately, I’m saddened that we couldn’t share this important topic in this conference without Daniel repeatedly screaming, “Fuhgeddaboudit!”

“Forgetting” is the opposite point of gender issues, Mr. R. You are the gender focal point after all. We cannot forget, we have to give people more mandatory gender trainings and workshops. Daniel and I recommnend at least one workshop per week for the entire service.

I appreciate your consideration in giving me the future promotion and not Daniel. I really deserve it. He doesn’t.

Thank you for understanding and for being my favorite Chief. Like in the entire world. You make me a better person, and again I’m sorry about Daniel and the shrimp smell that now permeates your conference room.

—L.

What are some ways to achieve calmness in your life? First, pare away the things you don’t need. Live an infinitely simple life free from unnecessary anxiety or worry, without being swayed by other people’s values. The variety of what people talk about is endless, but if I were to generalize, I would classify the major problems as anxieties, worries and doubts. When I listen carefully to these concerns, here is what I notice: almost all of them are in fact delusions, assumptions, mistaken impressions, or imaginary fears. I might even say they lack any substance. The truth is, if we look at them objectively, I find that we often allow ourselves to fear shadows that aren’t really there. Maybe this sounds familiar: something you were worried about was weighing you down, but then a random comment or occurrence made you realise how insignificant it was and you were amazed by how much lighter you felt. I want to share some thoughts that help me when things get tough.

• Reduce, let go, leave behind.
• Don’t compare yourself to others.
• Focus on “Now” and cherish yourself
• Don’t burden yourself or drag yourself down
• Pare down your belongings. It will lighten both your mind and body
• Just be, as you are. Don’t focus on things you have no control over
• Be gracious
• Recognise limitations. We can only work within our own abilities
• Concentrate only on things you can achieve here and now. By doing so, you will stop thinking about unnecessary things.
• Reconsider the obvious. You will realize the happiness to be found in the present moment
• Don’t rush, don’t panic. Once a day, make sure to stand still
• Respond positively. It is okay to feel down but get yourself up again soon.
• Cherish the morning – the best way to create mental space.
• Live by your own standards. Don’t be swayed by other people’s values
• Don’t seek out the unnecessary. Stop binging on too much information
• Shine wherever you find yourself. If not now, when?
• Don’t go against your feelings.
• Make your evenings calm. Late at night is not the time to make big decisions.
• Step away from competition and things will fall into place. Everyone is their own person, and I am who I am!
• Don’t fixate on victory or defeat. It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose.
• Keep at it. Slow and steady. Do this before you envy others’ talents.
• Use the right words. Words possess awesome power
• Accept your circumstances, whatever they may be.
• Stop complaining. Change!
• Do today’s things today -the secret to feeling unconstrained in life.
• Be more tolerant. You be you and let others be themselves.
• Go with the flow. Solitude is fine, but isolation is not.
• Don’t just talk for the sake of talking.
• Eat and drink with your whole heart.
• Even when big storms are coming, do not shake.
• Every day is a good day.
• All things come from nothingness.
• Have a flexible mind. Accept things you cannot change.
• Change the air in your home. Do this first thing, as soon as you wake up in the morning.
• Breathe deeply.
• Cherish your connections. It’s no accident that you happened to meet these people.
• Make good connections.
• Spend ten minutes a day in nature.
• Admit errors. Not only in words but make the effort to convey this emotionally as well.
• Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Someone will be there to lend a hand.
• Be a good listener. Relationships are about give and take.
• Don’t base decisions on profits and losses. Relationships not based on personal gain will shine of their own accord.
• Love & Marriage: Words of appreciation make a good relationship. Even in matters of love, moderation is just right.
• Children: Helicopter parenting plants seeds of worry.
• As you prepare to meet your end, what are the words you would like to be remembered by?

I encourage you to consider writing down your own feelings about anything. Like in a notebook, a journal, whatever makes you happy. Please share your comments below.