Aim to get better every day. Get rid of all the negative elements stopping you from being more focused or content. This could be people, relationships or environments. I think you are an amalgamation of the five people you spend the most time with, so now is your opportunity to assess those characters closely and distance yourself where necessary. The chances are, if these people are sucking the joy out of their own lives like a human Hoover, they are doing the same to yours. Surround yourself with people you admire, respect and want to emulate. Their qualities will rub off on you. For free.
Be more Bee. Twenty percent of bees don’t obey the waggle dance (how they tell each other where to find food and water). These ‘rebel’ bees choose instead to explore the areas where most of the bees aren’t going. If every bee obeyed the waggle dance the hive would get trapped in a local maximum. What would be the benefit of 100 percent of the bees exploring the same area day in and day out? Without the 20 percent of rogue explorer bees, the hive would never discover anything new and it wouldn’t be capable of adapting. It is okay to do your own thing, that’s where discovery and new ideas happen. So, be more bee.
A daily work reminder: A bad boss creates a culture that mimics from the top down. There is a bit of a ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ attitude. It takes people a long time to recover from a bad boss. The positive? It teaches us how not to behave if we are ever to become a boss ourselves.
A Fat Lie: Here is a home truth that might sting a little: Many of us were raised by our parents to believe we could be anything we wanted. That anything we set our minds to is achievable. Unfortunately, the real world is tough and unpredictable. Sometimes working hard isn’t enough. Opportunities don’t come knocking at your door, you have to go out and find them. When you are raised to believe you are destined for success and the world is your oyster, of course, you are going to feel like you have failed when things don’t turn out the way you had expected. Have a little self-compassion.
What are you good at? Age-old advice tells us to do what we love. While it is true that no one should ever give up on their passion, if it feels like you are not getting anywhere, it might be wise to pursue what you are good at, rather than what you obsess over. If you are good at what you are passionate about, you have hit the jackpot.
On success: If there is something you want to learn, pursue and attack it in the most unconventional way, so it takes deep root in your soul. Keep goals short-term. The best strategy is high intention and low expectation. Remain as flexible as possible. Your only concerns are the things you can control which are your thoughts and your actions.
On destiny: The narrative of ‘believe in yourself, follow your heart, ignore the haters, follow your vision and you will have the destiny you choose’, all that is the typical tale told by successful business gurus. But it is also a recipe for devastating failure. It completely ignores the role of fortune, of luck, of what life throws at you.
On luck: Develop your talent, develop the energy with which you get it out there and the rest is all luck. If you get the first two bits right, you are nudging the third bit to work in your favour.
Assumption is the mother of all fuckups: Ask, clarify, ask again. Don’t fall into the trap of nodding your head and pretending you have understood something when you haven’t.
On money: It is worth remembering that money makes you happier only to the point you don’t have to worry about it. Beyond that amount, money does not make you happier the more you earn.
Things will always pass. Things pass, it is just one thing after another. Don’t work so hard to impress people.
Let your mind be your playground. It’s where I work and have fun. I don’t often let people in, but when I do, I make sure it’s for a fleeting and confusing period that we both quickly agree was a mistake.
On solitude: I’m not into crowds; I’m into clouds. I’m not into clubs; I’m into shrubs. I prefer the predictable rhythms of photosynthesis and convection to the shocking neediness of people who start conversations. I never feel obligated to attend house parties, dinner parties, or godawful weddings when I have books just begging to be re-organized. I practice the Walden technique: If too many social invitations pile up, I go live by an abandoned pond for a year.
Genuine connection is ease. It is peace. When you find it you will know. You will feel seen, you will feel like you are being mirrored back to yourself like you are discovering the shadow of your own heart in another human being.
Slowly, through loving the right people, you will come to realize that the human beings who are meant for you in this world will not exhaust you, or hollow you out, or leave you feeling like you are hard to love. Slowly, you will come to realize that you do not have to romanticize the things in this life that hurt. You do not have to run towards the fire. Love does not have to feel like a fight, does not have to feel like battle, does not have to wound.
Slowly, you will learn how to lay down your arms. How to walk away from those who will only ever love you in halves. Slowly, you will learn that you cannot love someone into loving you, or being ready, if they are not. You cannot close their hands around your heart if they are not willing to hold it themselves. You have to let them go. You have to focus on the people in your life who bring you back home to yourself. You have to focus on standing up for that kind of connection, on honoring that calm, because it exists.
Learn to trust that, because when you come across it, when you ultimately experience it, it feels as if you are standing at a door you finally have the keys for. You enter it with ease. There is no fumbling through your jacket pocket trying to find the right way in. There is no desperately reaching into your bag trying to uncover the point of access. You are no longer banging your fists against the door, asking to be invited in. You walk through. Soundlessly. Softly. Relief washes over you. You take off your shoes. You hang your coat in the closet. You put on a pot of coffee. You’re home.
