Would You Bring This to a Desert Island when Stranded?*

*Random things that I think about during the day. Some call me “different”.

A baby?

I definitely wouldn’t bring a baby. That would be so unwise, so I can confidently say I wouldn’t do it. That’s a good choice, right? Because then I’d have to bring the baby plus all the baby supplies. And I’d have the added difficulty of having to take care of the baby while also trying to survive myself—too many moving parts. Also, the baby doesn’t have any helpful survival skills like hunting, fishing, constructing shelters, etc. So pretty much just a total liability.

My Son’s Nintendo Switch?

Totally impractical. Like, yeah, maybe fun, but probably not something I would put in my top three if somebody asked, right? Like that would be embarrassingly wrong?

Captain Flint?

I want to say no? Or, wait, maybe yes? I’ll put a pin in this one for a moment. Forget I mentioned it. Captain Flint obviously has to come.

Bubble gum?

Haha, that would be so stupid. Unless you’re some sort of bubblegum whiz, who can construct almost anything out of bubblegum? Or maybe these lollipops with bubble gum in them? Or the ones that colour your tongue blue or green? Yeah, better no bubble gum.

A true-to-life wax sculpture of Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Even though seeing a human face while stranded alone would probably be good for my mental health, the wax would melt pretty quickly. And wax sculptures can’t talk, so it wouldn’t be actual human company. And even if it could talk, I’m not sure Arnie would be my first choice of conversation partner. Like, I’d definitely choose a wax sculpture of Hemingway, Pessoa, Roth, or Murakami, over Schwarzenegger. I’d honestly probably just stay away from wax sculptures entirely—I’ve never really seen the appeal. Also, it could be scary waking up in the middle of the night to see a half-melted Schwarzenegger standing over me. Also, I’m pretty sure Madame Tussauds doesn’t rent those out. Could make for a good Instagram post, though. Wait, should I be bringing my phone?

A bunch of loose printer paper?

What the hell would I even do with that? No.

Bug spray?

This one feels tempting, but ultimately it’s a no. I can just swim around in the water to get away from bugs. And I need to save the three items I would bring for things that are really smart and good, and that would impress a Reddit thread filled with top-notch survivalists out for my metaphorical blood, like Band-Aids or a big knife or something. Don’t hold me to those, though, because, like I said, I don’t know which three things I would bring, only that bug spray is probably not one of them.


This one is laughably incorrect! No qualms at all about leaving this one behind. It’s not even my favourite pasta dish, let alone my favourite food. I don’t know if people even say that any sort of food is a good thing to bring. But if it is, I would absolutely bring a gourmet hot dog, or even cheese tortellini over ravioli. Maybe

Extra underwear?

So, from what I gather, you get to wear clothes when you go to this island in addition to bringing three other things. And the general consensus is to just stick with what you’re originally wearing, right? Like dress for the weather and all that, but no need to pack extra clothes. Especially when you can just wear like six pairs of underwear so you’ll have extra anyway. That’s actually a pretty good loophole—there are no rules against that, right?

A couple hundred big balloons?

I know what you’re thinking: “But this would make a great getaway device to fly away from the island and save yourself!” Well, I’m not falling for the Upscenario that everyone wants you to believe. I’m pretty sure I saw a YouTube video explaining why a bunch of balloons physically couldn’t lift a house, so I’m not really ready to bet my life on that plan. Up is a children’s film, not real life—I know that now. Plus, it kind of feels like cheating to choose “a couple hundred” balloons as one of your three items.


I saw someone say they’d bring this once, and I couldn’t believe how dumb they were being. Every island survival list I’ve ever read suggests bringing this as your fourth or even fifth thing, but definitely not top three—I would never choose something so obviously not top three. Okay, maybe, at one point in my life, I might have chosen this one, but I was naïve back then. I’m older now, smarter. I won’t let the cruel, anti-hammock comments determine my self-worth. Everyone was like, “Really? A hammock? That’s in your top three?” and “What else are you going to bring? A cooking pot?” Honestly, I couldn’t tell whether that was supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing, but it felt mean-spirited. They made me feel so bad and embarrassed and like a total survival novice—never again. I will rule out every possible embarrassing answer until I hone in on the elusive and objectively correct top three answers. This shall be my life’s work, the achievement upon which I stake my name and my reputation. I will not fail. To be in a Hammock with Captain Flint sounds pretty cool though.

A bunch of batteries?

Uh… I don’t know, maybe? Like maybe battery juice is good for something on an island? Maybe for a megaphone? I heard you can easily attach a bunch of them together and turn them all on at once. I’ll google it.

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