My son and I watched all Episodes and Seasons of Stranger Things, and he loved how these kids dressed up and lived a seemingly easier and carefree life. I mean, honestly, I think the 80s were, besides the shoulder-pad blazers and shirts, the best time. The ’90s were okay, but I loved the ’80s, and I will tell you why, kid.
You want to know what I was like in the ’80s and ’90s? Take a deep breath and imagine Snapchat and TikTok don’t exist, and the only way to find out who’s having a party tonight is to dial a landline phone number and ask someone’s mom.
We were built differently back then. I once had a three-hour argument in a mall food court about which actor was in that one movie with the bus, with absolutely no way to resolve it other than unearned confidence. I wish you knew what an indie record store basement smelled like vs. the Instagram-worthy birthday parties I have been throwing for you since you were five.
Toys? I think that the 80s were a golden age for toys. This decade introduced us to toys like Cabbage Patch Kids, Glow Worm, My Little Pony, Transformers, and the iconic Rubik’s Cube, to name a few. These toys sparked our imagination and provided endless hours of entertainment.
In the ’90s, I wore belted, baggy jeans, not for the silhouette but because they covered the fact that my primary source of nutrition was gas-station pretzels and lukewarm coffee. I wasn’t doing beach waves with an automatic curler from Sephora. My look was more “I passed out with wet hair on a radiator last night.”
The best word that describes 80s hair is excess! From big hair to gravity-defying creations, the 80s really did push the boundaries of hairstyling to new heights. Not to mention how the sale of hair spray and gels must have skyrocketed through the roof!
Big hair was all the rage, and almost everyone’s motto was “The higher the better”. Oh, how I envied my friends who could rock the big, messy Madonna-style hair with the glorious standing-up fringe. I was never allowed to leave the house looking like this. God knows I tried, but my mum would always catch me and send me back to brush my hair out. She would say, “Why do you want to look like a cockatoo?” I just did, Mum…..I really, really did!
Nothing about love was complicated back then. Relationships lingered without the ability to instantly reach someone via text, and most breakups were done on a folded piece of loose-leaf paper. My peak romance was the guy I met at an ice cream shop next to the public pool who gave me a mixtape, followed by a hickey he sucked out on my neck while I leaned on a dumpster in the alley.
If I said I’d meet someone at a bar at 10 p.m., I just stood there alone sipping my amaretto sour. If they didn’t show up, I didn’t get a text saying: Running late. I just went home and assumed they had moved or died.
What did I do for fun? I read the liner notes of my Alanis Morissette Jagged Little Pill CD like they were scripture. I scrounged for loose change in Grandpa’s car to pocket for my next Hubba Bubba pack to make the biggest bubbles. Or I went to a movie and didn’t know what it was about until I saw the poster in the lobby. There was no doomscrolling, only staining my fingertips with the same copy of Rolling Stone or Bravo magazine for months.
So, no, honey, I wasn’t “vibing” in the ’80s and ’90s. I was perpetually slurping a Slushie, waiting for a payphone, and shaking cigarette ash off my oversized flannel shirt. Just like you, I was figuring it out, only with better music and thankfully scant photographic evidence.
But if you really want the ’80s and ’90s experience, take your iPhone 17 Pro, throw it into a storm drain, then go sit in a dark room listening to the Goo Goo Dolls until you feel an unidentifiable sense of dread. It should take about four minutes and fifty seconds. Then ride your BMX bike (not an e-bike) without a helmet, because it wasn’t mandatory, which offered a sense of freedom. Of course, we hurt ourselves, but it was usually fine. We cleaned off the dirt, washed the wound with lake water, and off we went again. We survived and had so much fun.
So, lowkey and no ragebait, my love. You’re welcome!