.SOMETIMES RAW.

There was no clown (or balloons) in the sewer on this rainy morning walk to school. I did not see the ghost that haunts the house next door. A construction worker did not climb over my balcony peaking through the windows but was actually on his way up to fix a leak on the roof while I practice yoga half-naked in my bedroom next door.

There were no technical issues while I worked on my new website all day. It will be epic and I will share updates soon! I was able to help someone who suffered from low stomach acid, eczema, and under-active adrenals with nutrition and supplements and she feels significantly better. No one said, “You cannot do this or this won’t work!” No one said, “Keep still, this will be over before you know it.” No one said, “Oh my god, it never looked like this before. Usually, Botox does not have this effect on the skin!” No one asked me, “You are not from Canada, are you?” No one said, “Gesundheit!” when I sneezed and was alone in my home. No one slapped me hard across my face and told me to chill and relax. I saw a woman with oxygen tubes in her nose today. I don’t need oxygen tubes in my nose.

I did not need to crawl through an air duct to be free. I did not need to cut my hair very short and bleach it in a gas station restroom to change my personality. I did not need to burn off my own fingerprints or make a tiny escape tool out of a needle, pencil, and sharpener.

I did not have to hitchhike through the country. I did not have to find a place to sleep under a bridge or park bench. I did not have to beg for food. I did not raise my hands up to the sky and screamed, “Whyyyyy?”

I didn’t ask, “You did not cheat?” or “Was none of it true?” I did not answer, “What in the world were you thinking” or “Why did you do this?”

I did not experience road rage even though a BMW driver cut me off while on my bicycle and I almost rolled over the hood of his car. I did not throw my purse over the head of someone talking and texting forever on his phone in a movie theater (again). I did not need to figure out how to secretly smoke in prison while sitting on a toilet and use the suction of the air so nobody would smell it. I did not cut out newspaper articles and taped them to the wall to then connect words with a red string and send my findings to the Russians or French Intelligence.

I did not say: “Why did you do this”?, “You don’t know me at all”! “There is a ghost in the basement for sure”!, “What is the worst that can happen”?, “Good things take time”!, “If anybody is looking for me, I am at Wicked Wanda’s Adult Store to just look around!”

I did not choke on my buckwheat blueberry muffin this morning even though it tasted very dry and sad. Neither did my son. The red color under my son’s nose was not nosebleed but red sharpie. Glad, it was not black. I did not purchase the iRobot vacuum cleaner after we tested it for one day. So useless. My son does not want a pet that needs to be kept in a cage.

I realized that no fairy tales ever begin with: “Once upon a time, he blindfolded me in the back of the car.” No other woman’s hair clogged my sink. I learned that: a) it is awkward to call a woman: “Bud”, b) that a closet full of fancy clothes does not make you a princess or give you style, neither does a fancy car, c) anyone who seems like they never have a bad day occasionally have very, very, bad days, d) if a man won’t tell you where you are going on a date, you are going camping, e) if your only problem is where to go when your cleaning lady comes over to clean your house for three hours or how to how to remove the “servants bell” in your 18th century house, you really do not have problems.

Pretty successful day indeed.

There was a woman in my class at school who is afraid of everything. Especially germs, deadly viruses, all viruses actually and dirt. She covers her seat with plastic bags before sitting down. Or this: The other day I overheard a story a woman told the cashier at the supermarket register. It was a story of a little boy she knew, some friend of a friend’s kid, who suffered from severe headaches. No one knew why. His parents took him to several doctors and they all said that there was nothing wrong with the boy. They were super afraid and went home. A few days later he woke up at night in agony and screamed in pain. The parents took him to the emergency room and doctors discovered that the little boy actually had maggots eating his eyeballs from the inside out.

I squeezed my eyes shut and moaned (a little too loud). The woman turned toward me and said, “Yes, it is true. Apparently, the little boy had been petting a dog or maybe the dog licked him on the eye, and maybe the dog had some maggot eggs on the tongue, who knows!” I took the organic Haribo Gummi-worms out of my shopping cart and put them back on the shelf. Also, I don’t let doggies give me kisses anymore. Or pet them. Or look at them. (kidding)

What are we afraid of? What gives us the chills? Do you take showers always with your eyes open just because you think about the original Ghostbuster movie and that slime thing that scared Sigourney Weaver? How terrifying is this?

As a child, I was afraid of all kinds of things. I was afraid of wolves in the woods and I never ever sucked my thumbs because of Struwwelpeter whose parents cut them off (thank you brutal German fairytales), ankle-grabbing monsters under my bed, clowns (Pennywise the Clown still make me uncomfortable) and death. There was a time when I was afraid of the Kombucha mushroom in my mom’s fridge. I opened it and saw that there are these organisms in a big glass doing laps while seemingly waving at me. Gross!

For entertainment purposes, I am taking this a step further by adding things that I find disgusting or weird, rather than irrational fears.

People who wear full camouflage in an urban environment. Well, this is kinda scary.

Flossing teeth together in the bathroom. Weird, not scary.

Spiders that crawl down my neck and then disappear in my sweater but I can feel them on my back.

Public bathrooms with poo in the toilet and a line of people outside waiting. Terrifying and scary. And disgusting.

Black flies at the cottage. They have little fangs and rip your skin out until you bleed to death.

Trying to drive up one particular steep hill on the way to the cottage when the roads are super icy. Usually, it takes three attempts while we sadly slide down again. My blood freezes.

Going to sleep knowing that there is a huge spider in the room. Actually, anything involving spiders is scary. Especially big ones.

Hugging or kissing someone who is covered in sweat.

Climate change scares me. Even more so since I studied biochem and know a bit more on how things “work”.

Cracking floor noise in my apartment when I am in bed. And Joel is in bed. WHAT COULD THIS BE? The house is old, but …. clearly either a ghost or murderer.

Whatever swims beneath me in a river, lake or ocean. Giant colossal squid? You just never know. Also, diving super deep scares me.

Opening the cork on a champaign bottle.

I train an army of creepy squirrels and raccoons on my balcony but they both freak me out. I think it is their little hands.

(Flying) Cockroaches. Can they fly straight into my mouth while I scream?

Looking in the rearview mirror of a car when it is dark outside and imagine to see a stranger who sits in the backseat.

When it comes to fear, sometimes there is no escape. Sometimes there is no easy exit. But at the same time, there is beauty in any nightmare. And I deal with it. Everytime – no matter what.

I care a lot about many things. I worry a lot, too. Especially as a woman, I think I am more prone to care and worry. But to what extent is it healthy? Honestly, I know people who truly don’t care about many, to me, important things at all. Their life must be so much easier. Or isn’t it? Some care about celebrities, what they wear and how they look. Some people at my yoga class care about their expensive outfits, about those extra pounds they want to get rid of by starving themselves or they worry about their unwashed hair. One woman made sure to mention several times that she ran 30k yesterday, that she is so sore and hates running. “Why are you running then,” the Yoga instructor asked. “Because I don’t want to gain weight and I need to prove to my husband that I can do this,” she responded. The Yoga instructor shook her head and said, “Well, then Downward Facing Dog everyone” while the blonde woman in her hot pink spandex tank took sighed.

Others care about their bitchy friends, asshole boyfriends/ husbands or idiot coworkers. We care about being late, being too early, eating that bagel with cream cheese or eating two Cannolis for breakfast. All those things we care and worry about ruin us in the long run. We get miserable and depressed by pushing ourselves to limits we don’t even want to reach.

Taking a closer look at Instagram or Facebook, for example, people strive for validation, views and “likes”. Everybody is supposed to care. When looking at those perfectly staged photoshopped and edited family pictures, yoga poses and some things others do, we start to worry again. Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I run a successful business or move to Bali? Why isn’t my house all white and why do other women seem to have it all? ALL THE DAMN TIME?

Now we have to shift our thought patterns and stop filling our days with this fluff. Nothing is perfect, ever. Nobody lives in a spotless, white house with babies or toddlers who make no mess. Take a closer look at those who tell you that their life is perfect and soon you will realize that they try the hardest and it is still all just a big show. Scratch a bit on the surface and capture for yourself what is real and how insecurities reveal themselves. See people without their masks. Look beyond. Shift your focus away from appearances and care about what makes you happy. Is it really that 30k run that you force yourself to run? Take a look inside and see what is going on. Focus on true happiness, and by that, I mean true contentment within yourself. Living in a beautiful big house, driving that Porsche, not having to work or having your kids signed up in private school might not be what you need and what makes you truly happy.

There was a time in my life when I thought everything has to be perfect or at least good enough. Things had to be a certain way. But usually, whenever I thought that this is it or this is perfect, life threw another curveball at me and I had to adjust and move on but sometimes in a completely different direction than I planned. I realized the hard way that worrying and over-analyzing does not help but rather slows me down. Many things are simply out of my control and I have to accept that.

So after an experience that I will not describe here since it is too private, I learned an important lesson: Nothing matters as much as I think it does; not even the most difficult situation, bad events or messages. What matters are people who love and need me, like my son. To me, his happiness matters. My parents matter. My friend and his family matters. But their approval does not. Perfection in a relationship does not since it does not exist. Things we think matter the most, do not matter because, in the end, everything will work out but maybe in the most unexpected way. Whatever makes us truly happy on this journey matters but this means not to lose sight of ourselves by caring and stressing about what we cannot change, is out of our control and what others do/wear/say/have/think or post online.

How about stop caring and worrying so much and start living? Time goes by so fast. I am still here and standing, despite those challenges I face(d). I am not afraid of falling short. No one can tell me what I can and cannot do, what I should and should not expect. And I am most certainly not losing any sleep over the white modern furniture I do not own. I have more important things to do such as feeding my army of squirrels on the balcony with leftover nuts. To soak in this mundane, simple moment is the purest luxury of all.