.Shame Wizard.

“True action, good and radiant action, my friends, does not spring from activity, from busy bustling, it does not spring from industrious hammering. It grows in the solitude of the mountains, it grows on the summits where silence and danger dwell.” – Hermann Hesse 

I have two daily routines. One that is ideal, perfect and everything goes as planned. And then there is the second routine which is messy, real, and just simple daily reality. In my ideal routine, I sleep super well, come straight home after school drop-off and start to write right away. Productivity is optimized while distractions are minimized (meaning phone and notifications are off). I am in this state of flow, full of energy and to- do lists are checked and hammered off. I have a pretty clear picture of my ideal routine and how I work best, however, many times this perfect routine does not work.

I used to tell myself that if I really want to be a dedicated writer, I have to get up at 5 am every morning and start working. Getting up early is hard for me. Also, I know I would not stick with this routine for a very long time. Procrastinating or my love to sleep in are one thing, but some days just inevitably go off track. Distractions happen, plans need to be changed or other responsibilities pop up unexpectedly. Sometimes my body and mind just do not want to cooperate with my great plans for the day. And this is okay, too. To expect nothing or not too much and to banish the feeling of guilt makes the day run much smoother. Life happens and there are many moments in a day when my best intentions are not met. I may plan my morning a certain way but receive an email that changes my life completely. You just never know.

I stopped beating myself up over things. What I cannot change, I don’t worry about. I have been through a pretty rough year so far and it is time to showcase softness and to be kind to myself. Instead of beating myself up over things or feeling guilty I rather measure when I treat myself well while putting rest and space on a pedestal.

There are times when hard work and discipline are essential. But by creating a little headspace and trusting myself, I quickly recognize that sometimes the work will get done when it gets done. It is important to take some time off and use it for spiritual growth, inspiration, and restoration and also essential to treat the body kindly and with respect. Often, things do not work out as expected but this does not mean I am a disappointment. I embrace the moments when I am able to find flow and manage to juggle disparate priorities. I enjoy the times I go off track but make sure I find myself back wherever I need to be.

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