.Usually nice As F***.

If you have no clue what to do with the rest of your day, start by making your bed. No need for expensive Chanel clothes. Just have style and get red lipstick and red nail polish instead. Smile and stand up straight. Trust your intuition and always listen to your gut. Don’t remake the bed after your partner made it. Except that a man won’t understand if you “feel” a certain way or cry out of the blue. Except that he won’t ask if you are okay all the time.

Leave a party when you feel like it. Be patient, good things take time. Do not worry about the jobs you did not get. Other possibilities and opportunities will appear out of nowhere. Perfection is not the point. Just be brave and strong. Don’t avoid things or opportunities just because they seem too big or too adventurous. Don’t live in fear of the Duolingo Owl. Take good care of yourself. Balance and moderation are key.

Be yourself, no matter what. When you have people over for dinner, don’t try to impress them. Make simple, delicious food and keep in mind that no one is grading you. They are all just happy you cook for them. Leggins are not pants and flip-flops are not shoes. Always keep in mind that if a friend tells you a secret about another friend, she has told another friend a secret about you, too.

If you have an urge to keep telling people you do not have a problem with X, Y and Z you do have a problem with X, Y, and Z. Whenever you order food and there are two or three plastic forks in the bag, you are definitely overeating. Look at yourself (or dance) naked in front of the mirror and blow yourself a kiss before you leave the house.

Watch porn like a lady if you choose to and do it without feeling guilty or being embarrassed. Be polite in extreme situations and chew your food with your mouth closed. There is etiquette for the insane: they wave at you, you wave back. They say hi, say hi back. There is etiquette for phone solicitors: The friendly way to stop them from calling is by saying, “Thank you so much for calling, but I have just murdered my [whatever you feel like] and I am currently digging a hole.” Don’t ever feel bad to say “no” and then find yourself in worse situations just because you were afraid of being rude or you simply wanted to be nice and please the other person. Never ever works in the long-run.

And lastly (is this a blog post on its own?) : Airplane etiquette or am I an air marshal?

It is not okay to eat Buffalo wings, Indian food or any other strong smelling stuff (that you bring from home) on a plane. Consider other people. Air gets filtered and circulates on the plane, but c’mon. You will survive eating food served on the plane for once. Food you can always bring on a plane: A gigantic pizza cookie that you can share with the entire plane.

I am about to congratulate everybody who sits next to me because I am probably the most considerate person on this plane. I keep calm in stressful situations but you better check in your carry-on bag that is way too big. Do not stuff it in the overhead bin for too long while people wait in the aisle and try to get to their seats. I am still calm.

Do you still try to stuff that bag in the overhead bin? Honestly, nobody really wants to help you stuff your bag in that bin. They all think you suck and you should have checked that bag in. What is so bad about waiting ten minutes for your bag to show up on the baggage claim conveyor belt? Don’t bring handbags that look like a laundry sack. You won’t be able to fit it under the seat in front of you so now the stewardess (oh, sorry: flight attendant) has to carry your sack and find a place in the overhead bin somewhere far away from your seat so you now walk around and take things out and put others in immediately. Still calm.

Check-in, security check, sitting in your seat waiting for take-off: Wait patiently and read a book. Maybe be on your phone and check or update your Facebook status and see how many people like it. Don’t do anything else.

On the plane and ready to take-off: Oh, wait. Hear that? The woman in front of me just called someone on speakerphone to say that we all just boarded. Nice! Oh, it is her husband. Now they discuss what he is going to eat tonight. He really misses her already and cannot wait for her to come back home. In the meantime, the baby behind me starts to scream but that is fine. Babies do that. The pilot is making an announcement at the same time: “We are grounded for another hour because of ice and snow. Sorry for the inconvenience!” The woman on the phone screams that she wants to speak to the FLIGHT ATTENDANT OR THE PILOT NOW BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO BE AT THIS VERY IMPORTANT MEETING.

I strangle her with her seatbelt and throw her out of the emergency door. Before that, I take off her high heels. Who gets on a plane with high heels on? Size 6. Perfect for the baby to play with.

I am indeed the most considerate person.

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