.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Solitude,may rest from responsibilities, and peace of mind, will do you more good than the atmosphere of the studio and the conversations which, generally speaking, are a waste of time.” – Louise Bourgeois

The move to Austria is done and another big chapter in my life began. For me, after all this stress, it is important to spend time alone and to reflect on what just happened. I read an article a while ago that artists throughout time have pontificated about the benefits of spending time alone as well as the lonely patience required to make art. I believe it is important for anyone to spend some quality time alone because it simply feels good and our batteries are recharged. Yet despite the long-praised benefits of alone-time on our practice and creativity, the right sort of solitude can seem elusive to many.

Some people forgot how to be alone and spend time with themselves. Sara Maitland writes in How to be Alone, “How have we arrived, in the relatively prosperous developed world, at least, at a cultural moment which values autonomy, personal freedom, fulfilment and human rights, and above all individualism, more highly than they have ever been valued before in human history, but at the same time these autonomous, free, self-fulfilling individuals are terrified of being alone with themselves?”

What do you associate with being alone? Many times we mistake being alone with doing nothing; which is actually totally fine, too. The problem is that we allow our work, social and family schedule to zap our alone-time. Endless opportunities for distractions mean that when we are alone, we are not truly alone – we have the world at our fingertips, and opportunities to compare ourselves and our work with each scroll we take through our social media newsfeed.

“I think we live in a world where we overburden ourselves not just with work commitments but social and family commitments, and that level of duty and obligation, and we completely forget to send time on our own and ourselves.” – Jull Stark

So, how do each of us go about finding solitude in our day to day lives? I did a little bit of soul-searching to find the benefits in spending time alone, the challenges that can be faced and how things can be prioritized. I am basically musing on the importance of alone time and how to secure it.

Solitude Cycles. Loneliness is a sign that you are in desparate need of yourself. I love spending time with friends, my partner, my family but I really need to be by myself, too. Time alone basically means to me to have peace and quiet to write. I will have really productive phases where I stay up all night. It seems a bit mysterious, the coming and going of it, but in general, I tend to want to be alone a lot. I need that alone time to work, think about things, do research or read up on things that are interesting to me (Süddeutsche Zeitung in the morning, Georg).

Scheduling Alone Time. I need time to dream, relax and create. Jill Stark says it best, “Time for myself is one thing that I factor into my week as much as I can. Even though I live on my own and I could say I always have time on my own, it’s a very different thing to put it in the diary as you would if you were meeting a friend or going on a date and nothing gets in the way and you don’t cancel on yourself.”

Acknowledge Distractions. My friend(s) call(s) me to go out for Pizza/Pho in the evening? Do I really have to get X, Y, and Z done today? If yes, stay in and work! If not, go out and have fun. Life is too short. Usually, I can block the world out easily; a good pair of headphones helps in most cases. I need to be alone to allow all of my daydreaming to create new works. I do think it is essential to discuss ideas with others and that can often lead to surprising outcomes, but the intimate core of my work comes from quiet times at my desk. Sometimes just sitting and staring at what is around my living room leads to the most exciting new connections.

The importance of doing nothing. Sometimes I literally do nothing but stare at the sky. Or I lay in a hammock all afternoon, enjoying the sun, reading a book. Can you do this? How does it feel? Are you comfortable? “I know this sounds really alien to us in this world where we are constantly distracted, but actually just sitting and doing nothing can be really helpful – and literally nothing, not reading a book; just sitting and thinking and letting whatever comes into your head.” – Jill Stark

One Task at a Time. I have an almost 6-year-old son who requires quite some attention, which is fine. But at the same time, I need alone time, too to stay sane, socialize, write, work, and meet with friends. But, one thing at a time because I believe it is healthy and important for the brain not to be too distracted and overwhelmed which easily leads to stress.

Small habits can protect alone time. I love my morning routine which I try to protect. I will have a cup of black coffee and read a book or newspaper. Uninterrupted. In the evening when I stay in: having a bath, a glass of red wine, soft lighting in my office, listening to music and wearing a Kimono just because. As soon as my son is in bed, I write, read and do all my intellectual stuff. And reflect. And love because sometimes “On days like this, I need you to run your fingers through my hair and speak softly.” – Rupi Kaur

Pausing gives me the space to make decisions. Whenever my brain is overloaded and I try to solve all my life’s problems at once I pause. At that moment it may feel counter-intuitive to have a break because we may just want to push through as fast as possible. But why? Just get an ice-cream instead (I recommend Chocolate and Cookie). This is quick happiness while putting things to the side, changing the scenery and actually looking after yourself.

.Stay Happy – Stay Healthy.

I spent half the day at a local Sauna and Spa. You know why? Because I wanted to. I enjoy life at its fullest these days. You know why? Because I want to and I only have this one shot. I was once told by a friend, “Each of us are living in the midst of a trial, have just emerged from one, or are heading toward another” which is true. This quote leads me to yet another often-quoted truth, “Be kind to everyone you meet. You never know what battle they are fighting.” Just be nice; it is not that difficult. I actually want to approach this essay from a slightly different angle and with a question. Life is not easy and with all the weight and burden that each of us carries, why would we ever choose to intentionally carry more?

Epiphany while floating naked in the outdoor sauna pool

I thought about possible things that weigh down our lives and hearts: loss, illness, divorce, death, financial stuff, worry, politics, religion, grief, guilt, traumatic events, tension in marriage or relationships. These are all things we carry on our shoulders. Many of these burdens are created by ourselves but others are inevitable and entirely outside our realm of control. Regardless of their origin, we carry them – each of us, on a daily basis.

Stress is bad

I read this amazing book a couple of weeks ago. A survey has been mentioned when children were asked, “If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?” The kids’ number one wish was that their parents were less tired and less stressed.

Again, life is not easy. It never has been and never promised to be. In our new society defined by instantaneous social sharing, not only do we carry the weight of our own issues we also carry the weight of others. My best friend’s mother passed away one year ago and through text messages and social media, I was alerted to it almost instantly. A tragedy, and still so unreal, thousands of kilometers away, involving a family not my own even though we are very close. This huge sadness….. a weight…. was felt in my family. One second, one phone call, one wrong move, and our life can change drastically and forever.

Thoughts on Stuff

Since I am close to moving again, I get this feeling that every increased possession adds increased anxiety onto my life. Why would we choose to make life more difficult? Don’t add more stuff to your life. To me, it seems like many of us choose to do that exact thing simply by carrying excess possessions in our homes and lives. I live very simply with little possessions and I love it this way. Why? Because I feel excess possessions take up residence in my home and in my mind. They require maintenance, care, and attention. Every item I own must be handled and at some point, discarded and add obligation, weight, and responsibility.

Thoughts on self-care

Today, at the Spa I was reminded again how important self-love and self-care is. The wellness world loves to spoon-feed us ways to “better” ourselves like a baby curious and willing to explore and try new foods. Do this, don’t do that. Buy this, you need that. Preach, preach, preach. Add more of this, cut out that. It is all hot tips, must-have products that are useless. The wellness industry leans, perhaps, a little pretentious, along with capitalizing off of our insecurities with giant Dollar/Euro [insert any currency] signs in its eyes, to sell as much cheap stuff as possible. Don’t get me wrong; there are some really great products you can find while digging through the supplement and celery juice isles but you don’t really need much. (says the holistic nutritionist). Self-care is so much simpler. Start with this: Stop this tendency to keep going and going much like that pink Energizer bunny in sunglasses that bangs its oversized drum forever. His battery will die eventually, too.

Taking care of myself today worked wonders for my mind, body, and soul, and when practiced on a regular basis, can help me get back to go-go-go-going with a calmer and more centered headspace. For some, self-care may be Zen: walking the Camino, meditation, Reiki, Feng Shui, ideas surrounding identity, self-worth and hard emotions or other spiritual practices. For others, it is very necessary self-indulgence: reading, massages, mani-pedis, acupuncture or a glass of wine (or two) in the evening. Or as simple as treating yourself to ice cream.

With all this being said, how are you feeling? How do you know when it is time to amp it up a little more frequently in the name of sanity? Because remember, with all the weight and burden that each of us already carry in life, why would we ever choose to intentionally carry more? Stop being a Debbie Downer and unburden your life in the areas you can control. In doing so, you will find more freedom and capacity to navigate the problems and burdens that are outside of it. How about putting yourself first for once?

Are you able to be in a relationship with a chronic liar? Short answer: No. Absolutely not. But then again, this sounds so judgemental, closed-minded, or maybe even absolutely right. So I will say: probably not.

I grew up an inherently trusting child and teenager but later on in my life I befriended people with almost every personality disorder there is. The narcissistic, liars, nihilists, psychopaths, schizophrenics, especially paranoid men, etc. all glued to me as if I were free ice cream. I would like to think it was because I was naturally void of judgment. I used to accept others for who they were, regardless of negative tendencies without endorsing change. But ultimately, I know now that it was just naivety and toxicity. Choosing to accept or ignore something negative does not make it void, it just makes me really good at being an accomplice. So in my 20s, I forgave others, and in my 30s, I spent time forgiving myself.

I think over time, it is more than healthy to have self-reflection in any capacity and to simply examine my choices so history does not repeat itself. With that being said, I have given up defending myself a long time ago, mostly because my opinion does not have to suit anyone’s needs but my own.

Now, I would like to note that most people are liars, inherently so. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, it is just that many don’t realize that some small things they say are actually lies. A culture shock for me was when I first arrived in New York and people asked me how I am. I would tell them how I am in every detail and wondered why nobody is interested. Saying you are fine when your emotions are as emo as a teenager whose parents just told him he cannot go to the latest comic-con, is also a lie. But, these aren’t’ the types of lies that are up for debate here. It is the chronic liars, the toxic ones when you actually question everything they say because of their strong allergy to being truthful. Examples would be when someone tells you they have a 164 IQ or killed 15 people with their bare arms.

With this being said, and while the honesty-challenged population may be on the outs, I am not so closed-minded to assume lies are all toxic. Delicate liars for example who are so naive as Snow White and best known for singing with animals, eating strangers’ poisoned apples, and trying to spare my feelings at all cost are the most unwitting liars. Then, of course, there are the social liars who buy a big expensive car for example because they think this is a status symbol because only “the rich” can afford it. Those are the same people who spend summers on the moon, winters in Iceland, and hang out in Morocco in between. They are investing in property somewhere while buying a pilot leather jacket and the cool pilot glasses and even think about purchasing a property with a landing strip because one day they will have a fucking small plane to land it on. Those are my favorite liars. Those who think they have bajillion dollars but use ten credit cards instead.

Then there are the occasional liars, who lie from necessity or opportunity to look good for whatever reason. We are all human, I get it. And while lies may originate from boredom, protection, self-hate, self-love, all of the above or none of the above, it just sucks even though it initially may not come from an intentional negative space.

Friendship and lies. Webster dictionary defines, a friend as 1.) a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person. 2.) a person who is not an enemy friend or foe. The second part of the definition is merely an antonym (thank you Webster), and the first part holds a little more weight. I think that you can have a strong liking for a person, sure, but without trust can it really be a friendship? I know someone who faked being happy in a marriage for months and cheated on his wife while having pretend fights with her and pretend make-ups. He faked love and everything else, too. Well, she faked several pregnancies for the sake of continuity (?) and to keep him. Lies about almost everything.

Some people need lies as a form of escapism or self-esteem. I do not want to call it regret, even though it is doing a fine job masking itself as such. I wish I would have called it out from the beginning and every point than on but I did not. There are just a lot of toxic personalities out there and I like the feeling that some people in my life have not won with their perpetuating, unhealthy, sick behavior.

Ultimately, if a person constantly tells lies they probably have established chronic tendencies naturally. Then I begin to question if they are even lying when they are telling the truth. By definition, this is not a healthy relationship or friendship because you are simply an audience; a spectator at a performance. I feel Nietsche said it best, “I am not upset that you lied to me, I am upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”