Are you able to be in a relationship with a chronic liar? Short answer: No. Absolutely not. But then again, this sounds so judgemental, closed-minded, or maybe even absolutely right. So I will say: probably not.

I grew up an inherently trusting child and teenager but later on in my life I befriended people with almost every personality disorder there is. The narcissistic, liars, nihilists, psychopaths, schizophrenics, especially paranoid men, etc. all glued to me as if I were free ice cream. I would like to think it was because I was naturally void of judgment. I used to accept others for who they were, regardless of negative tendencies without endorsing change. But ultimately, I know now that it was just naivety and toxicity. Choosing to accept or ignore something negative does not make it void, it just makes me really good at being an accomplice. So in my 20s, I forgave others, and in my 30s, I spent time forgiving myself.

I think over time, it is more than healthy to have self-reflection in any capacity and to simply examine my choices so history does not repeat itself. With that being said, I have given up defending myself a long time ago, mostly because my opinion does not have to suit anyone’s needs but my own.

Now, I would like to note that most people are liars, inherently so. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, it is just that many don’t realize that some small things they say are actually lies. A culture shock for me was when I first arrived in New York and people asked me how I am. I would tell them how I am in every detail and wondered why nobody is interested. Saying you are fine when your emotions are as emo as a teenager whose parents just told him he cannot go to the latest comic-con, is also a lie. But, these aren’t’ the types of lies that are up for debate here. It is the chronic liars, the toxic ones when you actually question everything they say because of their strong allergy to being truthful. Examples would be when someone tells you they have a 164 IQ or killed 15 people with their bare arms.

With this being said, and while the honesty-challenged population may be on the outs, I am not so closed-minded to assume lies are all toxic. Delicate liars for example who are so naive as Snow White and best known for singing with animals, eating strangers’ poisoned apples, and trying to spare my feelings at all cost are the most unwitting liars. Then, of course, there are the social liars who buy a big expensive car for example because they think this is a status symbol because only “the rich” can afford it. Those are the same people who spend summers on the moon, winters in Iceland, and hang out in Morocco in between. They are investing in property somewhere while buying a pilot leather jacket and the cool pilot glasses and even think about purchasing a property with a landing strip because one day they will have a fucking small plane to land it on. Those are my favorite liars. Those who think they have bajillion dollars but use ten credit cards instead.

Then there are the occasional liars, who lie from necessity or opportunity to look good for whatever reason. We are all human, I get it. And while lies may originate from boredom, protection, self-hate, self-love, all of the above or none of the above, it just sucks even though it initially may not come from an intentional negative space.

Friendship and lies. Webster dictionary defines, a friend as 1.) a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person. 2.) a person who is not an enemy friend or foe. The second part of the definition is merely an antonym (thank you Webster), and the first part holds a little more weight. I think that you can have a strong liking for a person, sure, but without trust can it really be a friendship? I know someone who faked being happy in a marriage for months and cheated on his wife while having pretend fights with her and pretend make-ups. He faked love and everything else, too. Well, she faked several pregnancies for the sake of continuity (?) and to keep him. Lies about almost everything.

Some people need lies as a form of escapism or self-esteem. I do not want to call it regret, even though it is doing a fine job masking itself as such. I wish I would have called it out from the beginning and every point than on but I did not. There are just a lot of toxic personalities out there and I like the feeling that some people in my life have not won with their perpetuating, unhealthy, sick behavior.

Ultimately, if a person constantly tells lies they probably have established chronic tendencies naturally. Then I begin to question if they are even lying when they are telling the truth. By definition, this is not a healthy relationship or friendship because you are simply an audience; a spectator at a performance. I feel Nietsche said it best, “I am not upset that you lied to me, I am upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

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