.SOMETIMES RAW.

No rockets but PoP Fizz, yeah! 

I really  loved 2016. It was amazing and loaded with changes – good and bad ones, sad, painful, inspiring, loving, stressing and relaxing. I turned 35, moved to Canada, started a Master in Linguistics, discovered Ottawa, found new amazing friends I can always count on, experienced two Canadian hospitals and so much more. It was definitely a year of transformation, even a bit life-changing. Events that physically and emotionally pushed me to new limits. It was a growing year for sure and sometimes, with growth comes pain. One thing that will never change is this oh so familiar bittersweet sadness when leaving Germany again. Whenever there is sunshine, rain or rough times are usually around the corner. This is life. It challenges us, makes us fall and stand back up to do it all over again. I stumbled, I made mistakes, I learned by figuring everything else out along the way. 

We took a long traditional New Year’s walk in the freezing cold this afternoon, which was amazing. The fresh air, my family, good conversations while we could see our breath when speaking. There are only a couple of hours left of 2016 and here I sit, close to the fire place, typing this while Petit Joel and my brother are dancing in the living room. My parents preparing dinner (Raclette) in the kitchen; life is good. Looking back at the last two weeks I realize that they flew by in a heartbeat and I am so, so grateful. I want to thank the universe for all the hard stuff I had to deal with. Whatever bad happened, I was always able to find myself again, even though the roads were very dark or lonely sometimes. I could go on with this list but what I really want to do is to look to the future instead of pondering about the past. Past is the past, after all. I believe in new starts and fresh beginnings. My mom would agree here that when I was a child, my favorite thing to do was to start new folders, binders or journals, especially for school and at home when writing. Everything had to be nicely organized, highlighted and labeled and I do it to this day. For some reason it gives me a great feeling, like writing in a new journal with a new pen. Weird? Maybe. A new book, a new day, a new year, a new moleskin notebook and all that good stuff, you know?! 

It is the same with the new year for me with or without resolutions because honestly, those never worked for me. I tried to quit smoking once on a December 31st, start to work out three times a week at the gym or be a vegan for good. I realized pretty quickly that I fell back in my old habits sooner or later. I know myself and achieve things not because of a New Year’s “to-do-list-resolution”. For me, a new year is like a blank, clean slate, like a new folder, a new chapter. 

So what is next? What I planned for 2017?

I don’t ask for much. I want to be present in the moment, be healthy, focus on my studies and career and be fully here to do everything in the best way possible. I will enjoy my family and friends more and start my Master thesis and do well. The next semester starts the following week and I will do it with a clear, open mind; especially the statistics class.  One step at a time, little pieces, nothing huge. Another goal is to just simplify my life more and remove stress. I will reevaluate more on things I thought I need that turned out to be so useless. 

So, leaving the old year behind and starting something new, nice and fresh is awesome, with our without New Year’s resolutions. 

I am thankful for my family, for my parents and siblings, grandparents, uncle, aunt cousins, nephews, friends and this growing community of Sometimes Raw readers. I wish all of you a Happy New Year and hope 2017 brings everything you want and hope for. 

I have lost some weight (yay!) because of my new eating habits and thought about starting running again more often or taking some Yoga classes to get back in shape. I enjoy running a lot but Yoga helps me to relax more. I searched  for Yoga classes in my neighborhood but haven’t found anything I really enjoy or what would work with my University schedule next semester. 

I remember the time when I tried Bikram Yoga for the first time in New York. I thought, let’s try this, I thought. Could be awesome, I thought. With a blue yoga mat and my yoga outfit I was on time for the first session. The teacher told us to “relax” on the floor on our mats until all the students were here. I remember, I walked there directly from college so I was tired, exhausted, pretty numb and it was late in the evening. While I almost fell asleep on my mat I reckoned that this will be a nice, relaxing Yoga session even though I saw half-naked people all around me. It is New York after all. This is fine. Nothing is weird. I remember, one woman at Yoga practice who put honey and oil all over her body before she put her pants and shirt back on. If anyone would have worn a Krusty the Clown outfit throughout this Bikram Yoga Session , it would have been fine; honestly. 

At this point thought, I thought that Bikram Yoga means something like swinger-club-atmosphere because everybody took off layers and layers of clothing suddenly. I was still on my mat and observed what will happen next. I also removed my glasses pretty quickly [which made me blind as a bat] because the room had gotten severely HOT it seemed. Where is the comfortable incense or the candle? My little  water-filled KleanKanteen bottle sat patiently next to me. Suddenly, it had gotten even warmer in the room. My pupils and even my sweat sweated. It felt like my intestines were on fire. Downward facing dog… what did I sign up for? The instructor who was also almost naked just stood on a little platform it seemed, giving instructions to us via headset. He just constantly mentioned that we all need to feel our breath and keep listening to it. I just whispered to myself, “Just feel my pulse at this point, damnit!” My pulse sounds like my mom’s sewing machine that somehow found a way to live in my intestines. Is this healthy? Is this good for me? Additionally, I feel a bit dizzy or on the verge to pass out – WHY is it so warm in here? I have to drink, I need water, water is life. 

I pick up my water bottle while everybody else rests in “Child’s pose”. The bottle is gliding through my sweaty hands like a bar of soap. Water, I need more water. This heat is killing me. I thought about melting icebergs, antarctica and so much more – this room was boiling. I looked around and these half-naked people in all these crazy yoga positions.  I have taken yoga classes for a long time, and wondered if they are in pain. At this point,  I continued with my “Happy Baby Pose“. I feel better. I feel I can reach body parts that I could not touch a couple of days ago. If the surrounding would be a little different however, I would be happier and more comfortable.  The instructor now told us to “feel us” and “feel deep inside to find our true selves”. “What does he mean; what is his point, why do I need this, “I thought and asked myself back then. I did not know any better. 

The only thing I felt were muscles,bones and my whole body on fire at this point. Maybe this is it after all. I have done it. I survived this Bikram Yoga class and it wasn’t that bad after all. All my muscles and bones are back in their place again and I feel awesome. Finally, Shavasana – resting on the back after the workout and reflecting; diving deep into your own self. I like that. Laying on my back, eyes closed and hanging out with a bunch of thoughts that I should not even have had at this point because thoughts are “LIKE CLOUDS! LET THEM COME AND GO” – the instructor screams though his headset. “Why does he have to scream all the time”, I think while at the same time my eyes were closed and I fell asleep for a couple of minutes. He then walked around quietly without saying anything anymore. This is when I relaxed the most. In total quietness even though others breathed half naked and heavily next to me. I was at peace with myself. 

I love to eat. Food, food, food. Since my gallbladder issue, I have been in a food transition to a mix of raw/vegan/vegetarian mostly. I haven’t had an attack for three weeks so I reckon I do something right. Overall, I feel great and I even enjoyed some of the  food we prepared for Christmas today. I am completely honest here; I did indeed a bit of an eye roll here and there when I saw everybody eating sausages, meat and whatnot but then again, I never want to feel this severe pain again so I rather opted out. (owt!) 

I have more energy since I changed my eating habits and I know that I do not want to have surgery to have my gallbladder removed. This is why I even consider a complete change of my diet, just to avoid living without it. I have seen a “specialist” recently who told me everything about a gallbladder removal and how I can, after one week of recovery, eat everything I want again and continue life the way I did before. I expected a bit more of this consultation; especially, that this particular doctor would have told me of possible options so I won’t need surgery. All they really want is to remove things of my body as fast as possible it seems. Isn’t it all about money anyway? 

My diet was actually pretty good before I have gotten sick. However, cutting out certain fatty foods makes me feel less tired and sluggish. My beloved camembert had to stay on the cheese tray tonight. In a nutshell: What I am trying these days is to cut out as many fatty foods as possible and to detox with green smoothies every morning. I have this overall feeling that my body is cleaning. Sometimes, it just feels good to kick out the garbage and junk, even though it is Christmas and all the food in the world is available to indulge in, I reckon. It is not that I am ever dying for french fries or anything specific, right? I don’t need junk food or high oil foods. What I don’t want to live without though is pho and sushi which I can still eat. And as long as my intestines don’t feel weird I think I figured out a good rhythms that works well for me. I am getting thinner but I don’t feel weak, instead stronger. I cannot see into the future and I really don’t know what will happen or how I will feel after whatever I eat these days but right now the improvements have been good and somewhat completely undeniable. So for now, I will stick with this diet because I feel good and steady but I also know it changes my life which is also pretty exciting. 

Besides the food issue, I hope your overall mood tonight was great. Christmas and the entire family being together in one house sometimes might be rather challenging. Everybody has their issues. There might be anxiety, stress, rollercoaster emotions, the occasional fight and argument here and there and whatnot. But it is all good. I just do whatever feels okay for ME. What makes me happy and content. I am signing off now, making myself another cup of tea, reading a bit and then going to bed. Life is good, comfortable and calming these days. I hope it is for you, too.