.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hey Hey! 

I know, I know. I haven’t been around lately but I missed writing here and this blog – as usual. There is just so much going on right now and the small amount of time I have left after I come home from my courses or the university library for the day I love to spent with my son or good friends and even try to read for pleasure at points. I stop complaining because I love my life the way it is with all its craziness and time spent researching and working on my Masters Thesis. And after all, here I am again, right?!

I had a great conversation with my mother recently about motherhood, raising a child and having another one. My friend Julia gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl yesterday and baby-talk came up naturally. I am happy for my friend and wish her all the best obviously. She needs strong nerves with two children I reckon. However, let’s be honest here. The people who know me realize pretty quickly that I am a selfish woman at points. I am a loving mother, yes, but I am far away from forgetting who I am completely. I simply cannot see myself being a stay-at-home-mom and only raise my offspring. I have done so, with the help of my parents, for almost three years and I must say that I have gotten pretty tired of it. It was a great time, don’t get me wrong, but I felt that something was missing. I don’t judge mothers who decide to stay home for good and never want to do anything also but raise their progeny. If this is your thing and it makes you happy, good for you. 

As far as myself, I put my life on a hold for some time. This is normal. Especially, after I gave birth. This little person needed me and he will always need me. But hopefully, less and less which is awesome. I am gaining a bit of my somewhat adolescent lifestyle back, readings, movie nights or even nights out with friends and some parties. Many things changed since my son was born and I am not even looking for “those times” (talking to the toilet-ghost and this bad morning-after) anymore. I did it all – when it was time to do so. I grew up. I learned and made decisions. Then again on the other hand, I don’t want to give up anything really, just because I have a child. I love being a mother; I love to teach him things, love to see him grow up, see how smart he is and I imagine how handsome he will be when he grows up. (Now he is just so cute!) He is worth everything to me; however, he is not the king he seems to think he is sometimes. We share valuable moments together, he goes to kindergarten, he plays with his friends – he develops his personality. I watch over him and sometimes still feel a little guilt when I have to leave for an evening class at school. At the same time, I am not maman poule. He also learnt that fire is hot. 

I want to be his friend without forgetting who I am, what I want; without forgetting that I am a woman and not his slave. I don’t want to miss the life I had before. I just include and add him to it all with the goal of encouraging his chivalry and eventually raising a man. 

I received emails the other day from blog readers who told me they noticed something on the blog. It has not been the first time I received a message like this; however, those are more frequent these days. When I read one of these particular emails, I paused and re-read it. The person asked me what had changed in my life by pointing out that I don’t write daily anymore and also that the amount of personal information I share significantly changed. Whenever I share pictures or information on Instagram about Petit Joel for example I get a plethora of comments how this small update is so great and that it has been so long since they last saw him. 

How much is too much sharing of personal details and life online? Sharing personal things on a blog that has quite a number of readers is viewed skeptically here these days. So, it is true, I made some changes to this blog. I want to focus more on what is going on in my head, thoughts that arise, things I experienced as well as new ideas, and skeptical and thought-provoking topics. My husbands or son’s life is really not mine to tell. Petit Joel is 3 1/2 years old now and as we moved and time went on, I have been pulling back more and more in a way to share details or post tons of pictures of him here. I had a conversation the other day at daycare with a mom who showed me her Instagram account proudly with pictures of her daughter almost naked in the bathtub. Her daughter is 4 years old. It is all about choices, I reckon, even though, this is in my opinion not okay. 

I still take pictures but I am more selective in what I show and share online in public forums as well as what I write. My number one job here is to protect this little guy and I wonder sometimes if I did the right thing when I shared so much about him in the earlier days of this blog. I enjoy writing, blogging, telling stories and I like to connect with other people; however, I had this feeling that it was time to slow down on information sharing a bit and to keep personal stories where they belong – to the family. As I grew along with this blog I figured out and learned what works best for us and of course I believe that there is a way to integrate my family into the blog – with mindfulness and thought. The key here is to make this blog more “me-centered” rather than putting too much emphasis and focus on my husband or my son. This is my blog and my story but it is also tricky because they are my family and it is just a fine line of privacy to consider and to keep in mind when I write. 

Once in a while I get notifications that I haven’t had written a blog post in a long time. Writing is my thing, my passion, I love it but then again, there are other obligations, tasks, assignments and of course family. These days, I need to tune in to nature to relief stress and actually block out all the noise. There is so much going on and I am mentally and physically tired. Does this sound familiar to you, too? I guess it does since we all have some type of deadlines, health challenges, family or social obligations and so much more. What have we been up to lately?

It is so crazy how fast time flies. I signed up Petit Joel in Kindergarten this week for September which will be another big step for him and I, I reckon (Kindergarten here is different from Germany! It is comparable with preschool/Vorschule!) These days however,  we spent a lot of time outside in the snow, enjoying our first Canadian winter. 

We are regulars at the museums here in Ottawa. Petit Joel loves them as much as I do.  The National Gallery, Museum of History and Museum of Nature are our top three so far. 

There is always time to be creative and write a  bit however even if it is not on my blog. This will change again soon. It is always just the overwhelming load of work at the beginning of the semester. 

The other day I thought Petit Joel should get a haircut; which he indeed desperately needed [this boy’s hair is just a mess]. So while we are at the Barber Shop I got a bang trim (how weird that sounds!) at the same time which was pretty neat. Sitting next to my three year-old son who smiles at me and tells the barber to not cut off any of mommy’s “long hair because he loves it so much” is pretty sweet. The barber then tells me that it does not happen very often that women get a haircut at his place. They rather go to the fancy hairdresser across the street. [First of all, why would I do that and pay four times the price. Secondly, I just get a bang-trim and the ends straightened out. Thirdly, I don’t ever need all the chemicals and fluff on my hair anyway. Simply, cut the hair. Nothing else needs to be added!] In Germany I would always go to this place instead: Nicole Reiter Naturfriseur!  I have the easiest haircut to maintain and I know and believe that “simple” is the best for me! 

Otherwise, Petit Joel and I spent a lot of time together; especially on weekends. Since I have two evening classes during the week we are working with new babysitters from the neighborhood and all three are fantastic. I don’t worry for one second when they take care of him.  The funny thing is: they are all 13/14 years-old but get along with him so well. On weekends, we also go out and get the most amazing chocolate cake around here at “Life of Pie” [for insiders, MOM: heavenly “warze Kuche” for him and coffee for me]. He is a “Saturdate” for sure while we play Jenga for hours. I even get some journaling/writing done while he plays. Win-win! 

The other day it was so cold, dark and wet/snowy. I felt tired but we dressed up and went for a walk. We walked and walked and it snowed some more but I was mindful. I appreciated it all. The fresh air, his tiny hand comfortably in mine while we walked to our favorite bookstore.  We even walked by a “free bed frame” too. Well, goodnight, then, who decides to take it home. 

While we walked I realized again that we are in Canada. That we live here, building our lives, spending time with great people and that I am studying simply because I love what I am doing. I miss my family in Germany and many times it feels that I am so far removed. But it is all okay. They are there. I am with them. Always! We are together anyway and simply a Skype/Facetime call away. 

On a book-nerd-note: I found out about Trinidadian/Canadian author André Alexis and was able to attend the reading/discussion at Carleton University this evening. What a gem of a writer. I loved it so much. Stay tuned for a book review of his book “Fifteen Dogs” soon. And I added two of his books to my TBR-list. 

When I came home after the reading, I chatted with the babysitter for a while, paid him and checked on Petit Joel as soon as he left. I always do. I walked into his bedroom and saw his tiny flashlight on. As I was about to turn it off, he woke up and looked at me. He said, “I played with the trains earlier but I can’t connect all the train tracks. I just can’t!” I told him that he has to sleep but he insisted and said again, “Mommy, I just can’t!” 

I took him in my arms and said, “Joel, can’t means won’t. You can do whatever you want. You just keep trying until you figure it out. Don’t get frustrated. Just keep trying. It is not that difficult. And if you want something really really badly, you can figure out a way to do it. You can and you will do it! It is just all about choices, my love.” 

While I told him all this, he curled up on my shoulder and fell asleep again. While I put him back in his bed and wrapped his blanket around him I told myself these same words all well. “You can” and “you will”. This goes for my Master Thesis and for anything, too.