.SOMETIMES RAW.

But especially to mine. I love you, mom. No matter what. And of course, to me.

This is a clarification on how urgently your mom needs to talk to you, based on what she left you on your voicemail.

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie. No big news over here—and no rush to call me back.”

Urgency: I am bursting to tell you HUGE NEWS. (The township finally paved over that pothole.)

– – –

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie, just calling to say hi. Nothing’s wrong.”

Urgency: Something definitely is gravely wrong.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but it’s not important. Talk to you later.”

Urgency: We had to put the dog down. Two months ago.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, how’s it going? We’re good here. I have a tiny favour to ask, no big deal if you can’t—I know you’re busy.”

Urgency: Dad was in a terrible accident and lost a lot of blood. The hospital is out of the unusual blood type you and he share. He’ll die if you don’t come to the hospital to donate blood within the next hour.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, I have a question for you—nothing urgent. Don’t even bother calling back if you’re too busy.”

Urgency: Someone has accidentally pushed the button to launch one thousand nuclear missiles in every direction. Only you know the “abort launch” code, which must be input within the next forty-five seconds to prevent the extinction of all humanity.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, how are you? I miss you, hon. Okay, love you. Bye!”

Urgency: The second glass of wine just kicked in. Within ten minutes, I will forget I made this call.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie—nothing big going on, but call me back as soon as you can.”

Urgency: Dad and I are both dead. This voicemail is coming from heaven, where children never screen their mother’s calls and always answer on the first ring.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Call me back right away. It’s an emergency.”

Urgency: Someone I think you went to school with is on the local news.

1. Whilst meeting for coffee you:

a) Spontaneously order brunch

b) Ask me repeatedly about my plans to have another child

c) Gossip about work and colleagues without taking one breath in

2. When you notice the dent in your car you:

a) Frantically tell me to call the police and find out how to file a report

b) Suggest that you had parked in a precarious spot because of the pressure you sensed coming from me

c) Turn it into a larger narrative about how nothing in your life is going right

3. After you send an email to your boss in a moment of anger you:

a) Forward it to me with the words ‘What do I do now?’ in the subject line

b) Send me your résumé and request that I circulate it around

c) Insist that the man I just started dating is not a good choice because the only adequate person in my life is obviously you

4. After I’ve lined up a babysitter, put on make-up and am pulling out of my parking spot, you send a text saying:

a) That you’ve decided you need to save money so you just want to come over and drink “some of that awesome wine” instead

b) That you’re canceling because you and your boyfriend are in the middle of another big fight

c) That you’re changing the meeting place from a movie theater to a Techno club

5. Whenever you tell me I look tired, you:

a) Suggest I call your Pilates teacher to set up a private class

b) Make observations and comment about my diet and vitamin intake

c) Wonder if my son’s early morning waking habits aren’t part of a greater psychological issue

6. When the man I started dating sends me flowers you:

a) Identify the low-end florist who “did a decent job even though they clearly use the same supplier as a bodega”

b) Recall the uber-bouquet you received from a mortgage loan specialist you dated last year

c) Make a list of common allergens against men

7. At the wedding of a mutual close friend you took the opportunity to:

a) Tell me how much I let you down by not attending your sister’s wedding

b) Guess that I’ll be the last one of us three to marry because I’m so closed that it drives men away

c) Reveal that you just made out with the groom and that you’re terrified of it being found out

8. After begging me to meet you at a party thrown by your work colleague you:

a) Reveal that it was all a setup to get me to meet the guy from the IT Unit because you’re certain that he and I are soul mates

b) Call me once I’m already there to say you’re still at home because you can’t find your car keys

c) Get drunk and disappear with that IT Unit guy

d) All of the above

9. Whilst meeting for coffee for the last time you:

a) Frantically search your purse for your cellphone, realize that you’ve lost it and then borrow mine so you can make important calls

b) Frantically search your purse for your wallet believing you’ve been robbed and then lash out at the world only to realize that you’ve left your wallet at home… again

c) Ask me if I think you should marry your “on-again, off-again” boyfriend

d) Ask me to drive you to the airport

e) All of the above

10. When a week goes by and we haven’t spoken you:

a) Tell me that you’re seeing your ex again

b) Remind me of the time you were “there for me”

c) Recount how many friends you’ve lost to new relationships only to have them crawl back to you when it all goes wrong

11. When a month goes by during which our only contact has been through social media you:

a) Book tickets for us to go on a Wellness weekend retreat together

b) Pop by my house with a few bottles of wine

c) Correctly assess that I am weeding you out

12. After I’ve texted the answer to your question, “What’s your exact mailing address” you then:

a) Text me your exact mailing address

b) Text me “Aren’t you curious why I’m asking?”

c) Text me a follow-up question which autocorrect has rendered indecipherable

d) Text me “What’s your exact email address, cellphone, Insta and Twitter name?”

e). Call me

f) All of the above

I have been in law enforcement for many years now and really like my job. Like everywhere, there are tougher days and smoother days, meaner bosses and nicer ones. Are you afraid of Security? Do Security Officers make you uncomfortable? I understand, making your way through a security check can be stressful, especially if you are in a rush. I will share with you everything you need to know about Security and to go through any security check as smoothly as possible.

Follow these easy steps and you won’t have any more stressful security experiences. I promise.

• Be prepared. While you may wait in line, start removing your belt, watch, and maybe separate your laptop from your bag.
• Once you approach any Security screening area you will put all of your bags, metallic objects (and sometimes shoes) in a tray/bin/box on the conveyor belt to be scanned. If you have a Ziploc bag of liquids in your bag, remove it to be screened on its own. If you have any objects that would show up on the x-ray as a box, such as a laptop, tablet or video game system, remove it and send it through separately.
• Take off any jackets, hats, scarves, and sunglasses.
• Remove all metal objects, including keys, loose change, jewellery, etc., from your pockets. If you get confused, just ask a security officer politely who should be able to help you.
• Wait for an officer who will tell you when to walk through the metal detector to the other side of the conveyor belt. This area is where you will pick up your items.
• To make things easier, wear clothing and shoes without too many metallic embellishments.
• X-ray will not harm your camera!
• Don’t put your pet through the X-ray machine. At the UN, pets are not allowed to bring in (except service dogs), however, it may be possible at other locations. Ask the Security Officer.
• If you forget to empty your pockets, you will have to step back, empty them, place the items on the conveyor belt and then go through the metal detector again. You may also have to be screened by a hand-held detector or pat-down. Emptying your pockets completely before will speed up the screening process.
• Don’t rush, run, be too hectic, and push others aside to be ahead of the line.
• Don’t talk on your phone or shout. Be calm.
• Regardless of the hectic atmosphere at the security screening, take your time and ask questions if you are not sure. If you rush through the screening process, you may forget to take one of your personal items with you.

Not every officer will be as nice as I am. I mean, I am the nicest one you may ever meet in your entire life. But, if you are friendly and don’t show asshole behaviour, any Security officer should be nice to you, too.

Less Glorious Security Officers you may encounter:

• Officer Know-it-all. Officers who think they’ve “been there and done that” and will bore you with stories of past incidents in the security and law enforcement fields and quotes a plethora of Security Operation Procedures and paragraphs until your head spins. They will also say things like, “we have always done is this way” (even though it does not work well and they simply do not want to change things) or “this makes so much sense” (even though it does not and would be easier in a different way)
• Officer Ass Kisser. Officers who suck up to management or Supervisors to get a better post, overtime or even their job.
• Officer Slacker. Officers who seem to magically disappear when it’s busy, you need backup or the building is burning to the ground. This person has a unique ability to find a hiding spot, but can instantly appear if a supervisor is doing his rounds.
• Officer Rat or backstabber. Although often guilty themselves this officer piece of shit will throw their whole shift under the bus. They’ll go into the supervisor’s office or send an email implicating others in a recent incident involving other officers, setting off harassment cases out of nowhere mainly to get colleagues in trouble.
• Officer Whiner. This officer can moan and groan an entire shift about working conditions, pay, the weather, the boss, other officers etc. They are so good at it that they’ll get into your head until you actually buy into their bullshit. Often they seek out the ones who are easily manipulated to complain to. This way they can get them to complain openly to management, thereby marking them as a troublemaker. Although in union meetings or contract negotiations, whiners sit quietly and never respond.
• Officer Break abusers. Sometimes your job requires you to give other officers a coffee, washroom or lunch break. A little leeway is a given with a few minutes here or there. But there are those who out of laziness, idleness or even dislike will return from a break ten minutes or later. They are aware that in some posts you can’t just walk away. Also that every break you have to give after them will be late but they don’t really care. If it isn’t bad enough being alert for eight or twelve hours a day, at the end of your shift, your relief is late. This is usually done by an officer who hasn’t caught on to the concept of time. Or an officer who hates their job, or life or simply does not give a fuck.

The Bottom Line The Bottom Line or What it all boils down to:

How to be a good security officer and not an asshole: It’s taken some trial and error, but here are the six ways that work for me. Set expectations (but not too many), set consequences, and then be fair. Don’t demand respect. Be direct but friendly. Have a heart – but don’t be Mother Teresa. Don’t worry about being liked. Pick your battles wisely.

Security processes, while perceived by many as annoying and time-consuming, do serve a purpose. Many illegal items are confiscated on a daily basis, and people and property are protected. Security officers are human beings, treat us with respect. Or as you would like to be treated. Remember that we have to deal with angry employees and visitors on a daily basis. We usually take a lot of risks just due to our position. Simply showing us respect and following the procedures will make our day much easier. Being friendly and getting to know us often is also nice to do if it is sincere. Remember, we also have families, interests, etc. outside of work. A simple “thank you” goes a long way in showing appreciation.