.SOMETIMES RAW.

When I lived in Canada I learned that Canadians apologise for everything. All the time. It is weird to me because Germans are so different. But it triggered this article. Here are some things I heard on a daily basis:

Sorry, I have a question.

Sorry, I am sorry. (Whenever I stood in front of a shelf in a store and couldn’t make a decision but someone wanted to get by)

Sorry, oh, you must be the new client! I am sorry, I am a police officer, not the receptionist. I feel terrible for misleading you, but I cannot get you coffee or give you a foot massage while you wait.

Sorry, but I can never express how I really feel at this place.

Sorry for clocking in three minutes late. I had to drop of my son at school, but then he puked Cocoa Puffs all over my shirts and- I know, I should have just told him not to get sick! It was completely in my control, and I have no excuse. Please don’t fire me.

Sorry about my naturally screechy voice. Feel free to plug your ears whenever I am talking!

Sorry, but from now on you have to address me as Mr. X and not Mrs. Y anymore. Things change. This is the 21st century.

Sorry, I am binary now. I will have my breast surgically removed so nobody knows that I am a woman.

Sorry for my resting bitch face. I know my serious expression is no fun for you to look at. Yes, you are right, I should smile more! Thank you for the advice, male stranger at work.

Sorry I am not wearing makeup today. I look like a total swamp creature. Anyway, ready for this half-marathon on your lunch break?

Hey, sorry to ask, but is this bus seat taken? Also, I apologise that my nine-months-pregnant-with-triplets belly is taking up so much room. Actually, I will just stand. It is fine!

Sorry, can you please stop yelling at me and tell me in a normal tone what I did wrong? Yelling means, you cannot express yourself in a civilised matter.

Sorry, for not realising you are a man.

Sorry, for not realising you are a woman.

Sorry, for not realising you want to be called raccoon.

Sorry, for being the reason the world is coming to an end and another lockdown in around the corner.

Sorry, but this doesn’t make sense to me at all. Why should I stand on a duct-taped cross?

Sorry, that I caught you cheating on me, but its much worse for you because your new girlfriend is screaming at you for cheating.

I am sorry, but I am breaking up with you. I am sorry for ending things now, the moment I realised I no longer loved you, instead of stringing you along just to avoid hurting your feelings.

Sorry, I am not interested in you, creepy guy at Billa – I am in a relationship. Yes, you are absolutely right! I am a nasty person for politely turning you down when I clearly should have prioritised your fragile ego. Let me just break up with my boyfriend real quick, and then you can put your sweaty hands wherever you want.

So sorry, construction workers. As much as I would like to stay and bask in your heartfelt whistling and sexual comments, I really must get going. Apologies if I also involuntarily make a face – you are just being nice, and I cannot take a “nice” compliment about my breasts.

Sorry cabdriver, but me telling you my name does not mean you will get a blow-job.

Sorry, I know it’s really stupid, but can you walk me to my car? Actually, I don’t want to inconvenience you. It’s only 11 pm – I can walk back to the sketchy parking garage by myself.

Sorry, but can you please stop texting and following me? This is creepy.

I am sorry, I should have been more clear last night. Obviously, saying “no” over and over really means “yes”. It is all my fault anyway.

Sorry for apologising so much!

Today is my 40th birthday and I am thrilled. Another year is over and a new chapter opens already. When I commence a new decade in my life, on the one hand, I can view it as meaningless because age is just a number. On the other hand, I can view a number as a marker. Uncertainty means that there is always a blank canvas in front of me and this new year will help me to put a frame around it. 

As much as I want to arrange or plan my life year by year, decade by decade, I am shaped by what happens around me, the opportunities I seize, the people I encounter, the places I stay or leave. Moving into my new year, instead of viewing this decade as a chance to start anew, change or improve, I want to see it as a chance to be here.

I know I might not be able to control all events or the outcome of my efforts, but I can put myself in the world and in the center of life and take note of what I learn along the way. 

Other things I learned in the past year are to hold plans lightly but if the time is right to just go for it because it feels right. Buy don’t rent. 🙂 I am not afraid to experiment and change course if it doesn’t feel right. Sometimes, taking action is more important than figuring out the right decision. It is important to stop letting people tell me who I am. I learned to notice when I am caught up with a fantasy. I learned to understand when it is time to say goodbye and how to “celebrate closure” with very good friends. I learned that my head would say, “it was for the best” but my heart would keep me stuck in the past. I don’t want to miss what is here for me now because I am chasing a fantasy. I learned that if I can’t find the job I want, I have to create it and have backup plans always. I don’t wait anymore for someone to hand me an opportunity because I make it myself. I am not ahead and not behind. I am my own measure. 

I learned that I cannot control how people think of me, so I show up as myself without being fake. I learned that people care less about what I do for a living and more about how I make them feel. I see what I have not done yet as a possibility, not a failure. I know now that everything on my list is a possibility and it is exciting to have ideas and things to look forward to. There are always new opportunities. I learned that even if I thought I have no tears left to cry, there are still more. 

I learned that nobody knows what they are doing. I learned that everybody has sleepless nights, dull days, abandoned projects, new projects that seem not to work out and battles with self-doubt. Everybody struggles. Nothing is perfect. I learned to protect my solitude and alone time. My weaknesses are my strength or in Leonard Cohen words, “There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in”. 

With all this in mind, Happy Birthday to me. Off to new adventures.

I am generally a pretty understanding person, but there are some things that get under my skin. You know when you are in a “mood” and then something pops out of nowhere and irritates you even further? Those are what I call my pet peeves. They are not cute or cuddly, but rather annoying. Here are just some things that really tick me off. My list of cringe-worthy moments that leave me annoyed and just….. peeved.

• Yell sneezes.
• Loud gum chewing and talking at the same time.
• Chewing with mouth open.
• Anything chewing and loud.
• Someone cracking their knuckles and then saying, “I am pumped. Let’s do this!”
• Extremely slow people.
• Someone who asks for advice and does the exact opposite.
• People who don’t replace the toilet paper roll.
• When people read a text with a question and don’t respond.
• When people are late.
• When people are chronically late.
• People who walk into the subway and stand right in front of the door.
• People who discuss being on a diet while I am in the middle of eating something unhealthy.
• Kids who say the food I cooked tastes disgusting.
• People who use thousands of hashtags.
• People who say “I mean, no offense […]” as if it downplays anything insulting they say to me.
• People who say “literally” when what they mean is not literal.
• People who clip their nails in the subway
• Line cutters.
• People who say “There are rules” for rules that can be clearly broken and nobody gets harmed.
• People who don’t know how to get through a security checkpoint efficiently. EVERYONE knows you have to take metals out of your pocket. At the airport EVERYONE knows to take off the goddamn shoes and that liquids are not allowed.
• When you let a car cut in front of you and the person doesn’t wave to thank you.
• Misspelling my name when it is right there in the email staring you in the face.
• When dog owners leave their dog’s shit anywhere but in the little plastic bags.
• Extremely slow cashiers, a long line in the supermarket and only ONE register open.
• Saying, “Let’s make plans!” then acting surprised when I follow up and make actual plans.
• Misleading labels on food. Food that only pretends to be organic.
• Gluten-free fanatics and vegans who only talk about how healthy this lifestyle is.
• People who talk over you when you are clearly still in the middle of the sentence.
• Passive aggressive behaviour. If you have something that bothers you or you want to say, just say or do it.
• When you are running after the bus, you lock eyes with the bus driver in the rear view mirror, and they still drive straight past you.
• When you open the door for someone and not only do they not thank you, they also glide straight past you as if people should open doors for them.
• People who don’t respond when I said “good morning” to them.
• When people repeatedly hit the elevator button, as if that will make the elevator arrive sooner.
• People who constantly look at their watch.
• People who are constantly on the phone.
• Anyone with an inflated sense of their own importance. “Don’t you know who I am-people”
• People who seal a ziplock bag without removing the air first.
• Clapping at the end of a movie in theater.
• The word “touché”.
• Receiving emails from a colleague with my boss cc’d.
• When people say “cool beans”.
• Sponsored Instagram or Facebook feeds.
• People who abbreviate things that don’t need to be shortened.
• People who tell you they ate something really bad yesterday and should really stay home. Just say you are taking a sick day. Nobody needs to hear the details.
• People who say “eh, you know” when you casually ask them how they are doing. A) I don’t know, and B) I want to know because I asked.
• People who send emails longer than six paragraphs. Call or explain in person. Who has time to read through all of that?
• Super fast 2-hour power point Zoom presentations. Nobody can ever focus or pay attention.

What makes you tick?