.SOMETIMES RAW.

JOB TITLE: Several positions.

JOB DESCRIPTION: To be a possible candidate, you’ll have to spend 97% of your mental and emotional energy making yourself small enough to not be a burden. You may spend the other 3% of your energy cherishing dreams of a better world or workplace, but we ask that you maintain a professional demeanour and keep them to yourself.

The right candidate will have a winning smile, the kind of smile that doesn’t die, even a little bit, even if he/she/them/they hasn’t/haven’t found a reason to genuinely smile since arriving in the morning.

The right candidate will have the patience of Mother Theresa and the fortitude of a Tibetan monk when paper gets jammed for the hundredth time in the piece of shit printer (no colour except on the executive floors) on which we spent two thousand euros.

The right candidate will never let on that anything in their personal life is impeding work because the right candidate will understand that this job is the most important thing that has ever happened to them.

The right candidate is strongly encouraged to attend every meeting, company picnic, party, company happy hour on Fridays, and ice cream family event with a big smile on their face, even and especially if those events are during the weekend. If the candidate shows poor attendance to these it will negatively reflect upon their annual review.

The right candidate will find the phrase, “you don’t have to be crazy to work here but it helps” funny, even after they hear their supervisor says it numerous times.

The right candidate must be well dressed and follow the organization’s guidelines on dress code. Women can dress attractive, but not in a threatening way. No red nail polish or red lipstick.

The right candidate will find every coworker who holds the title of “Director” charming, funny, handsome to a degree, and worthy of her time. Likewise, they will shower any coworker who holds a supervisory position with a level of respect not dissimilar to envy, admiration and awe. Even if you have two Master’s degrees and you won’t get promoted (like ever) the right candidate is fine with it.

The right candidate will not get pregnant. The right candidate, in fact, would be better suited to the role if she were unable to become pregnant but if it does happen it is fine as well. Actually, since the gender policy is very important to us, we will accommodate any pregnancy.

The right candidate will not complain.

The right candidate will not be sick. To call “sick” looks bad so don’t do it.

The right candidate won’t use “personal days off”. The right candidate won’t use “family emergency days off”.

The right candidate (for specialized departments only) will know martial arts in the unlikely event of an active shooter situation. A rudimentary knowledge of disarming an aggressor with a firearm is preferred but not required. (We cannot pay for martial arts classes but offer an excellent wellness program that includes acupuncture for you and a free health screening from a Chinese medicine “expert”.) There will be a fitness test where the candidate needs to hang on a rope for two hours.

The right candidate must have simple written and verbal communication skills. Their skills need not be “mad” in this field, but sufficient enough to say good morning or write your name. Analytical skills are an asset.

The right candidate will find fulfilment in everyday tasks and will, in general, be the kind of person who doesn’t aspire to more in life apart from what they already have.

The right candidate will be available on short notice to work overtime even after two or three hours of sleep only. It looks bad to decline overtime.

The right candidate will be available for missions, conferences, and short other assignments on very short notice.

The right candidate will have no serious outside interests. Running is OK. If you have kids, have a nanny on speed dial because as mentioned above, work is priority number one for you.

The right candidate will not have high expectations regarding the functions of our HR department. Especially when it comes to salary, harassment, part-time option, worker’s comp, maternity leave, health benefits, time off, or basic listening skills.

The right candidate (for the management position only) must wear high heels at all times, even if it leads to discomfort or injury.

The right candidate for the secretary position must be able to carry heavy boxes, open boxes with knives, deliver hot lunches to conference rooms, and calmly usher more important people out in the unlikely event of a shooting. Also, must be able to answer many phone calls and write the occasional email.

The right candidate will not be overheard speaking unpleasantly to supervisors, even when they are rude and tell them they are stupid, useless, sounds dumb, sounds unlovable, that this is not a good idea, that we don’t want change since this system worked fine, and that promotions undergo a transparent process and fair process, etc.

The right candidate will have completed all the mandatory online courses before the job interview. Especially, the ones on racism and gender.

The right candidate will not, ever, under any circumstances, cry.

Further, a strong candidate must:

• Be physically fit but, you know, not scary thin (#bodypositive)
• Don’t be fat. There will be a fitness test newly implemented
• Be amusing but not actually funny (everyone knows there’s no such thing as a funny coworker)
• Smart enough to understand when and how to agree with management, but not overbearingly intelligent (as in, to the point that you might disagree with management)
• Emotionally vulnerable to the extent that you cry at weddings, but never for anything that actually relates to your life (because let’s face it, then you’re probably being too sensitive)
• Be able to express dissatisfaction, but only in a nice way, and only if you make it clear that your anger is never directed at anybody specific. No one likes a nag.

These job requirements can and will change at a moment’s notice. Luckily, an entire subculture of Internet trolls exists to let you (and us!) know when you’re not doing a good job at the application. Essentially, you will need to be endlessly nurturing, understanding, competent, and selfless, but like, be casual about it.

NOTE: Female candidates are always preferred. Transwomen/men as well. And any person of colour and race.

PAY: Depends on prior experience, and salary history, but definitely a good salary. Possibility to work overtime to the point that you won’t see your family and friends again.

CONTACT: We ask that interested candidates send in their résumés, headshots, and thoughtful cover letters about why they’re not like other (potential) candidates. We’ll get back to you in a timely manner (by “timely” we mean “when it is not an inconvenience to us”).

FINALLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: No follow-up calls, please. Don’t be so needy.

1. If your purse contains five M&Ms, two cough drops, and one sleeve of Ritz cracker crumbs, how much Frosted Flakes dust is in your bra?

2. You and your partner each work forty hours a week, and you handle 81 percent of tantrums, sick days, and snack inquiries. Calculate the weight of this “invisible load.” Convert that amount into uneaten child(ren) dinners.

3. You’re driving four kilometers per hour, humming along to Paw Patrol, when you back the minivan into the garage door. At what speed does your self-worth vanish?

4. If you’re a lawyer turned stay-at-home mom with three kids under five, how many applesauce pouches can be purchased for the price of your law degree? Factor in a 12.77 percent overcharge because math is hard for women.

5. You are screamed at by a volatile little guy who does not want to eat his lunch. Moments later, you slip on several dozen marbles or Legos. Are you (A) raising a child or (B) performing in a local stage adaptation of The Three Stooges?

If A: Solve for x if x² + your child’s age = your sad, saggy yoga pants.

If B: Solve for x if x² + (whoop)(whoop)(whoop)(whoop)(whoop) = narrating narrating narrating

6. You put a half cup of spinach into the blender when making smoothies. At what decibel do your children’s violent shrieks register? One is shrieking because you didn’t let them help, and the other because “nobody likes disgusting spinach.”

7. It takes 29 seconds for you to use the bathroom. It takes 3.1 seconds for your kids to fight over the iPad and crash into the fish tank. How long do you ignore Nemo’s gasps for water?

8. For everyone with three children: Child A goes to sleep at 7:00 p.m. and wakes up at 5:00 a.m. Child B goes to sleep at 10:00 p.m. and wakes up at 6:00 a.m. Child C, a.k.a. Surprise Devil Baby, wakes up every two hours. At 2:45 a.m., Child A wets the bed. Divide the hours you sleep by the cups of coffee you drink. Multiply this number by 0.00015 to calculate your quality of life.

9. You and your partner have had three date nights in the past 483 days. Solve for x if y = a thriving marriage:

x + y + 6 = x + y – 6
(Hint: Ø)

10. What are the chances you would do it all again and not change a thing? Solve for infinity.

Answer Key

Out of my own experience, this is how it is to have a child. Long days, short years, nervous breakdowns—you will have it. This is normal. This is what raising a child looks. Wow. You didn’t realize? In that case, break a leg! Not literally, of course. Can you imagine chasing down your child on crutches? Don’t worry. It gets easier, or so I’ve heard.

Extra Points:

Oh, you don’t have a boyfriend yet but want to have a child and raise it way different and better than any other mom on this planet? A friend of mine says that the gym is the place to look for quality guys.

11. How do you spot a single guy at the gym? (Spoiler alert: Maybe not relationship material. Did I actually had to write this?)

Answer Keys:

He approaches a mirrored wall and checks his abs.

Talks loudly on the phone about a certain type of workout routine.

Talks loudly to another weightlifter about weightlifting.

When he is finished with the barbells, screams and drops them.

Cranks up a treadmill to full speed. Stands there checking his phone. Turns the treadmill off. Steps off.

Approaches a young lady on the elliptical. Tells her about his workout plan.

Bangs out a free-weight circuit with a rose in his teeth.

Wears huge headphones. Any time a lady comes near, whips them off and says, “What?”

Takes another look at his abs.

Once he really gets going, pulls on a knit cap.

Has a Muscle Milk sent to the lady on the elliptical.

Waits for her at the little table by the front desk. When she comes out of the locker room, kicks out a chair for her.

When she refuses to sit, returns to the locker room.

Ask the lady at the front desk if she’s single. Ask if she wants to get a Muscle Milk later.

If she says her schedule is booked, says, “How about right now?” because she’s obviously free now — she’s talking to him.

When she says no, says, “I insist.”

When she declines again, says, “Put it on my account.”

When she declines again, says, “I wish to renew my membership.”

Renews his membership. When she asks for his name and address, he asks for hers.

Says, “Fair is fair.”

And if that doesn’t work, fuck it — joins another gym. This place sucks.

(I might have gone off on a tangent) Ha!

My home is my castle and I am so glad I was at the right time and the right place to purchase this beautiful place. My home is my sanctuary, my place to refuel, relax, be creative, live, love, invite friends, and simply just be. I opted for a smaller place because of the many advantages that work for me and my family. I would like to share my book-filled home (people say it looks like a library inside) with you if you would like to see.

Financial Freedom

Having a home with a smaller footprint means a smaller monthly payment for mortgage, taxes, and insurance. Because I have chosen to live within my means, I don’t feel the financial strain that comes with investing in a bigger or more impressive plot of real estate. Living small means I need less of literally everything (house paint, tools, cleaning products, furniture, organizing products – you name it!). Being able to comfortably pay for my home and maintain it leads to less overall stress and relationship strain, and frees up resources I can use towards BOOKS, eating out, travel, personal development, and philanthropy.

Less to Clean and Maintain

To be perfectly candid, I’m not a fan of cleaning, and there are a million things I would rather do than spend my time on household maintenance and upkeep. A smaller home enables me to spend less time cleaning, decluttering, and organizing, and more time relaxing and enjoying my home and my life. I’m fortunate that this property came with a huge garden because I love to be in nature as much as possible. I even learned to keep houseplants alive.

I Can Invest in Fewer, Better Things

Recently, I decided to redo my bathroom and realized that I could afford to pick out any shower I wanted because this single shared bathroom is the size of a small postage stamp (not even a regular stamp, People. It’s tiny). With less rooms to furnish, paint, and style, I have the luxury of splurging on high-quality products, furniture, and finishes that I absolutely love. I also love to splurge on fresh flowers, fancy candles, and other little luxuries to elevate this home, and having a small home enables me to go big and make it all feel good without breaking the bank.

It’s Better for the Planet

I’m always looking for ways to reduce my environmental footprint. A smaller home uses less energy and resources and produces far less waste than a larger home. Heating and utility bills are smaller because there’s less space to heat and cool. I also added solar panels. Cleaning products can be reduced because there’s less to clean (I use apple cider vinegar, baking soda and wooden-floor cleaner for my entire home!). A smaller home requires less furniture and decor, so small space dwellers can consume less, which also means less packaging and less waste.

Quality of Life

I am the happiest whenever I can spend time at home in peace and quiet but I also love travelling, eating out, going to meet friends, and having city adventures and day trips. Having many people over is great once in a while, too. The good news is a smaller home can be a catalyst to connect with friends and neighbours, be more creative and resourceful, and get better acquainted as well. Balance is important. Like with everything in life.

Does it bother me to live in an approximately 100 square meters house? Sure, sharing one tiny bathroom is no picnic, and occasionally I daydream about adding one more room, but I love my small home. My goal was to find a house that is small but on a big property so I can go crazy and be a garden girl. With this in mind, I don’t feel weighed down by the work or the responsibility that comes with managing and maintaining a large garden. To me, the difference between living in the city and the countryside is huge and moving out here increased our quality of life immensely. Overall, having a small, minimal home has resulted in more time, money, energy, and freedom for my family. File that under win-win.

I’m curious: Where do you stand on the great house size debate? Do you think bigger is better or opt for the less-is-more approach like me?

Below is also a good book I recommend on Tiny Houses.