1. If your purse contains five M&Ms, two cough drops, and one sleeve of Ritz cracker crumbs, how much Frosted Flakes dust is in your bra?
2. You and your partner each work forty hours a week, and you handle 81 percent of tantrums, sick days, and snack inquiries. Calculate the weight of this “invisible load.” Convert that amount into uneaten child(ren) dinners.
3. You’re driving four kilometers per hour, humming along to Paw Patrol, when you back the minivan into the garage door. At what speed does your self-worth vanish?
4. If you’re a lawyer turned stay-at-home mom with three kids under five, how many applesauce pouches can be purchased for the price of your law degree? Factor in a 12.77 percent overcharge because math is hard for women.
5. You are screamed at by a volatile little guy who does not want to eat his lunch. Moments later, you slip on several dozen marbles or Legos. Are you (A) raising a child or (B) performing in a local stage adaptation of The Three Stooges?
If A: Solve for x if x² + your child’s age = your sad, saggy yoga pants.
If B: Solve for x if x² + (whoop)(whoop)(whoop)(whoop)(whoop) = narrating narrating narrating
6. You put a half cup of spinach into the blender when making smoothies. At what decibel do your children’s violent shrieks register? One is shrieking because you didn’t let them help, and the other because “nobody likes disgusting spinach.”
7. It takes 29 seconds for you to use the bathroom. It takes 3.1 seconds for your kids to fight over the iPad and crash into the fish tank. How long do you ignore Nemo’s gasps for water?
8. For everyone with three children: Child A goes to sleep at 7:00 p.m. and wakes up at 5:00 a.m. Child B goes to sleep at 10:00 p.m. and wakes up at 6:00 a.m. Child C, a.k.a. Surprise Devil Baby, wakes up every two hours. At 2:45 a.m., Child A wets the bed. Divide the hours you sleep by the cups of coffee you drink. Multiply this number by 0.00015 to calculate your quality of life.
9. You and your partner have had three date nights in the past 483 days. Solve for x if y = a thriving marriage:
x + y + 6 = x + y – 6
10. What are the chances you would do it all again and not change a thing? Solve for infinity.
Out of my own experience, this is how it is to have a child. Long days, short years, nervous breakdowns—you will have it. This is normal. This is what raising a child looks. Wow. You didn’t realize? In that case, break a leg! Not literally, of course. Can you imagine chasing down your child on crutches? Don’t worry. It gets easier, or so I’ve heard.
Oh, you don’t have a boyfriend yet but want to have a child and raise it way different and better than any other mom on this planet? A friend of mine says that the gym is the place to look for quality guys.
11. How do you spot a single guy at the gym? (Spoiler alert: Maybe not relationship material. Did I actually had to write this?)
He approaches a mirrored wall and checks his abs.
Talks loudly on the phone about a certain type of workout routine.
Talks loudly to another weightlifter about weightlifting.
When he is finished with the barbells, screams and drops them.
Cranks up a treadmill to full speed. Stands there checking his phone. Turns the treadmill off. Steps off.
Approaches a young lady on the elliptical. Tells her about his workout plan.
Bangs out a free-weight circuit with a rose in his teeth.
Wears huge headphones. Any time a lady comes near, whips them off and says, “What?”
Takes another look at his abs.
Once he really gets going, pulls on a knit cap.
Has a Muscle Milk sent to the lady on the elliptical.
Waits for her at the little table by the front desk. When she comes out of the locker room, kicks out a chair for her.
When she refuses to sit, returns to the locker room.
Ask the lady at the front desk if she’s single. Ask if she wants to get a Muscle Milk later.
If she says her schedule is booked, says, “How about right now?” because she’s obviously free now — she’s talking to him.
When she says no, says, “I insist.”
When she declines again, says, “Put it on my account.”
When she declines again, says, “I wish to renew my membership.”
Renews his membership. When she asks for his name and address, he asks for hers.
Says, “Fair is fair.”
And if that doesn’t work, fuck it — joins another gym. This place sucks.
(I might have gone off on a tangent) Ha!