.SOMETIMES RAW.

I recently watched Titanic with my son and he loved it. I don’t remember a lot of specifics about watching Titanic in theatres in 1997, but I was 16 years old, which means my two biggest concerns were a) locating romance, and 2) not dying in a nautical catastrophe. If you haven’t seen Titanic yet, I will enlighten you. Titanic is three hours and 14 minutes long, which, fun fact, is longer than the actual sinking process of the Titanic. I learned this valuable fact when I visited the Titanic exhibit in New York. Isn’t it kinda ballsy to assume people will watch your movie for three hours and 14 minutes? Especially when everybody already knows exactly what happens in the end? Anyway, here is what happens:

It starts out on a modern-times submarine. Bill Paxton is snooping around on the ocean floor trying to find a big necklace. His character is clearly James Cameron’s idea of what a cool person is like. He does stuff like wear male earrings and says “sayonara” in a sarcastic voice. Bill Paxton finds the old safe in the ocean, expecting it to be full of Titanic jewels, but instead it’s just an old painting of some boobs. Total rip-off! OR IS IT? Stay with me. An old lady recognises her boob-painting on the news and goes to visit Bill Paxton on his rock and roll treasure boat, where the make her watch a graphic reenactment of the Titanic sinking. I believe they were thinking: Hey grandma, fuck your PTSD. Then she tells her story. Which is not pertinent to treasure-hunting while Bill Paxton gets clearly annoyed. I mean, unless you mean three hours of nonsense, garbage, terror, death, and to figure out that the best parties are always in 3rd class.

Turns out, that old lady used to be Kate Winslet (hot), and one time she rode a big boat named Titanic. But she wasn’t too happy about it! She said, “It was the ship of dreams to everyone else. To me it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains.” Yes. Sure. Because imprisonment, rape, and unpaid forced labor are just like having to marry Billy Zane and live in a fur-lined gold palace for literally ever. Also, it’s 1912 right now, which means that real slavery has only been over for like….. 40 years? Maybe a little too soon for the slavery metaphors? She continues: “I saw my whole life as if I’d already lived it, an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts, and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared, or even noticed.” Nobody notices me! Everyone is so fake! As you can see, Kate Winslet’s life is just like slavery. She decides to kill herself immediately so she doesn’t have to face another terrible, terrible dinner with the 1st class peeps. Luckily, along comes Leonardo who rescues her from suicide and she repays him by letting her entire family treat him like human shit for the last few days of his life. Then they fall in love.

Leo shows up at a fancy dinner even though he is poor and Kate Winslet’s mom hates him: “My mother looked at him like an insect. A dangerous insect that must be squished quickly.” After dinner, Leo says, “Time for me to go row with the other slaves!” In an act of defiance, Kate sneaks downstairs to party with the simple folk. And it was the best party eeeeever. Okay. Next there is a whole bunch of boring stuff like the Celine Dion part (“I am flyyyyying!”), the boob-sketching part, and the banging in that tiny car part.

Then they drive the ship into the big iceberg. Kate and Leonardo run around the boat in circles for a long time holding hands. All she really does is yell about how no one can tell her what to do and then just does whatever Leo tells her to do. Fabrizio (Leo’s friend, who is Italian) shows up to tell them that they are fucked because all the lifeboats are gone: “The boats-a! They’re all-a gone!” “Where’s your life jacket, Fabrizio?” Leonardo asks. “Ees-a okay!” says Fabrizio, “I’ve-a got this-a beeg ravioli! Abbondanza!” Then he drowns (oops).

Fortunately for Kate, Leo turns out to be the world’s expert in surviving ocean liner disasters offering genius advice like, “We have to stay on the ship as long as possible!” Eventually, they end up in the ocean, where Kate sits on a board and cries. Leo makes ONE attempt to get on the board with her, but falls off, so he decides to just die instead. Kate is sad and gets rescued. He could have fit on that damn board. Easily.

Finally, even though the old lady knew Bill Paxton was searching for the necklace, and he patiently listened to her stupid story she goes and drops it into the ocean at the end!!!!! Like, seriously, old lady? First, you suck. Second of all, that necklace belongs in a museum. Third of all, you suck. I wish Bill Paxton would drop YOU into the ocean at the end. Then, to wrap things up, there’s a dream sequence where the ghosts of Kate and Leo walk down the Titanic’s grand staircase and everyone on earth applauds for no reason.

So, here, now you have it. You don’t need to watch the movie in 3D. Unless you do want to watch a 3.5-hour story of terror and death with a plastic cage and a mask strapped to your face the entire time. F… you, Corona. Or, you did like the original Titanic, but wish you could also have a throbbing headache? Okay, then go nuts.

Hey, you! It has been a while. What a year, huh? Still wearing that damn mask though. Really nice to be able to see people again. Like real people. Sorry, am I talking weird? I am not? Oh good. I am a little self-conscious about that. A year in isolation is bound to throw off the old social skills, right? Haha. Ha. (nervous eye twitch) Can we hug? Are we doing hugs right now? I apologize for asking to hug you and then becoming so embarrassed when you said, “No thanks,” that I just did the “hang loose” sign for one full minute at you. I kind of forget how to act around people. Do we have to wear the mask the entire time? But hey, I am really liking this restaurant we are sitting in with our physical bodies. Say, can we talk about how when we walked in here a minute ago, I straight up screamed? I was just so stunned to be inside of a business. You get it, I am sure. No, I am not vaccinated yet. Are you? You got seven shots just to be on the safe side? Good for you, I guess. You got your green passport, too? Wow, that is so great. Oh, you really think I put others in danger because I do not get the vaccine? Others? Why? You have no clue but you read it somewhere. Ah, okay. Let’s talk about something else okay. And here comes the waitress. I forgot how to order.

Okay, be honest with me. Was it weird when the waitress told me where the bathroom is, I said, “Thanks, I have only gone into two bathrooms for a LOOOOOONG time, so I am not sure where all the other ones are anymore!” Was that a strange sentence? Wow, sorry, I was gone for so long. I must have not been listening when she said where the bathroom is because, haha (nervous eye twitch), get this, I somehow wound up in the bathroom of a completely different restaurant. Is that normal? And men were in the bathroom at the same time. Unisex toilets? Oh, it is pride month. So much new stuff to get used to.

Sorry, did you just say that your OTHER friend is meeting us here? Wow, uh, I did NOT prepare for that. Do we need to sit apart then? Social distancing? Baby elephant? Does he need a different COVID test when he wants to join us? Not older than 48 hours? But he needs to wear black pants and a red shirt if he wants to join us, right? Didn’t this new rule come out yesterday? About the mutation of the Indian virus? The Kappa, Delta- something? But ASTRA ZENECA is supposed to help with this mutation of the virus. So you can get seven vaccines but only if you have brown hair and a moustache. Or beard, but it needs to be grey. I don’t even think I remember how to meet another person. Do I recite to them the plot of an old movie that was in the movie theatre in February 2020? Do I tell them the plot of a different movie? Could I just say my name twice, clap my hands, and pay?

Just realized that if I say my name twice, they might think I have two names. I wouldn’t want that! That would make me seem like a FUCKING WEIRDO. And I am not a fucking weirdo, right? Hahahhaha! HAHAHAHA! OH GREAT. THEY ARE HERE. HI, I AM DANIELA DANIELA HENRY, AND I HEARD YOU WERE COMING HERE, FROM THIS GUY, WHO IS A FRIEND WITH BOTH OF US, AND NOW YOU AND I ARE ALSO FRIENDS, TOO.

Whew. I think that went well. So, what are everyone’s home addresses and full job titles? We need to fill out this form over here. THE FORM! Do you guys have cars? What are your license plate numbers? They need this information, too. And your blood type. Also, they need to know when the women are ovulating and how many avocados I eat in a week. And lemon. Oranges optional.

Is it weird that I ordered two bowls of the same soup? I didn’t know how big the bowl would be, and I am starving. Why are you guys looking at me like that? Okay, wow, I definitely blacked out for a moment. Oh, it wasn’t a moment? It was 25 minutes? And I was just staring into space? Socializing is hard now. Really takes it out of you. Does anyone else feel the intense need to sleep for several days? Would it be weird if I just closed my eyes right now? NO, OF COURSE, I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME. I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN OUT IN PUBLIC WITH YOU, MY TWO BEST FRIENDS.

Wow, that was so much fun. Okay, so what do you guys want to do now? Should we walk down the street to go to another restaurant? Oh, you both have to go! Okay, totally! THat’s fine! HAHA! THat’s fine by me, I will allow it. Haha! Not like I am in charge of you. I am not. I am not the queen! This isn’t my court! You are not my little dancing jesters! You are my friends. You are my two great friends. Haha! LOL. Is that a thing? Do people SAY “LOL,” as a word? I cannot remember! Hahahhaha, why can’t I fucking remember?

WAIT, YOU GUYS, before you walk away, does anyone remember where my apartment is? I know, I know, I have been inside of it for a loooooong time, but this whole experience was honestly so stressful that I think it erased everything else that was previously inside of my brain. Which was basically, baking things, cooking, watching things on Netflix. Is that normal? I am not being weird, am I?

Guys……??? Hello….???

“Do not save what is left after spending, but spend what is left after saving.” —Warren Buffett

On my way home the other day I stopped at the traffic light and saw a car (Audi Q7) that came speeding around the corner before it stopped. The volume of the music broke my inner quietness and was drowned out only by the squeal of his tires when the light changed. The driver (who looked like my ex) wore a leather jacket, sunglasses, and smoked a cigarette that he casually flicked out of the window.

We didn’t exchange any words. I don’t even recall him looking in my direction. I don’t care about the person or how he acquired this car. I am passing no judgment on him because this is a story about me. When I saw him, a surprising thought entered my head. I told myself, “I could drive a car like that if I wanted. I could purchase a car like this anytime. But I choose not to.” There are, I suppose, a few cars on the planet that I could not receive enough credit to purchase. But for the most part, there is nothing stopping me from driving an expensive, flashy car. Except for maybe one thing. I enjoy living within my means. I like knowing I spend less than I make. I mean, I could take expensive vacations, buy this car, purchase expensive clothes, purchase more luxurious furniture but I find a significant amount of pleasure knowing my expenses do not exceed my income. I don’t need to rely on working overtime to afford things and pay off my credit card.

Staying out of debt means I am not being hunted down by creditors. It means I am not carrying a financial burden from my past while also trying to provide for the present. It means I have the freedom to make choices with my excess income. It means I can save if I want, give if I want, or spend if I want. I enjoy a significant level of freedom that others may not experience. This allows me to sleep better, carry less stress, and live a more calm, relaxed life.

Our society works hard to convince us to outspend our means and then provides a thousand ways for us to do it. And from the outside, a life built on credit may appear the life desired. With its bright lights, bold colors, and flashy impressions we are able to make.

But I will choose something different for my life. I will choose calm and peace and the knowledge that I have chosen responsibly. For there is a wonderful joy to be found in it. I know there is a number of uncontrollable circumstances that may make this choice impossible for some. Tragedy, medical emergencies, or unexpected career downsizing as examples. But for those who still have the choice, I don’t think you will ever regret spending less than you make. I love my life with less.