.SOMETIMES RAW.

They say honesty is the best policy. But is it? It is. Actually, honesty is one of the qualities I find most attractive in a person. (Another one is nice hands.)

Honesty is so important and yet a lot of times it’s hard to find in people. I am not saying any of you are liars. I don’t know you. I am sure you are sweet and nice and have never “accidentally” dropped a speeding ticket down a garbage disposal. Maybe you have never uttered so much as a fib (unimportant lie) in your whole entire lives. But let’s face it, you probably have. We all have. Well, I haven’t. I am always honest. 

Okay, see? That was a lie. And I am sorry. We might not go around spewing huge, sweeping, outrageous lies, but in one way or another most of us lie every now and again. I actually read a statistic that on average people lie four times a day. I don’t know exactly what four lies people are telling each day but I do know that people tend to lie about their age, their weight, their natural hair color, and how cute their friends’ babies are. “What a cutie-pie. Look at those ears! They are…. oooooh s*** one can’t miss them! But so cute.” 

I also know that people lie on their résumés. People lie under oath. People lie to their doctors, which I have never quite understood. I know you might be embarrassed about how you got that bite on that particular part of your body, but you have to be honest about it so a trained professional can help you. 

I really try my best not to lie. That’s true. I try to give my honest opinion on things. I try to tell it like it is. Give it to them straight. Lay it on the line. Be up-front. Keep it real. Not say false… stuff. I don’t know any other sayings. I try not to lie. 

Sometimes it’s hard because I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. So there have been times when a friend will get a haircut and I will see it and my initial reaction is “Oh my God, you look like a stray cat who got caught in a wind tunnel.” But I obviously can’t say that because that would be an insult to cats. So I have to say, “I love it! It looks great!” But when I say it my voice goes up about three octaves. “It looks greeeeaaaaat!” So I am certain they know I am lying. 

How come when we lie our voices go up so many octaves? It’s a dead giveaway. Every time, people! It happens when we dole out compliments we don’t mean and it happens when we say things like “You didn’t have to get me anything!” and “You haven’t been invited back to the house since the urn incident of 2004.” And it’s a mathematical fact: the higher the octave, the bigger the lie. “I didn’t even hear my phone ring!” is usually like a four on the scale. “You think I am sleeping with someone eeeeeelse?!” is off the charts. 

I can tell when people are lying to me when they start their sentence with “I have to be honest with you.” They may as well say, “Listen, I am about to lie straight to your face.” Why do people need to clarify when they are being honest? Does that mean everything else they have ever said has been a lie? Yesterday they said they liked my sweater, but they didn’t say they were being honest. Does that mean they hated it? 

It’s so strange to me. It almost feels like they are giving me the option to not hear the truth. As if when they say, “I have to be honest with you,” I might say, “No, no. Please. Only lies right now.” 

For the most part, we are honest people. Which is good because when you think about it everything around us is based on the honor system. Look at the airport baggage claim. We all stand around a conveyor belt totally unsupervised and all those bags are there for anyone to take. I know because I was at the a couple of years ago and I took four. I got some good stuff – three oranges, four mangos and a large man’s nightshirt. 

There are a lot of places that rely on us to be honest. Banks put out candy and hope you only take one or two pieces. Restaurants put out toothpicks. Libraries have those giant statues of lions out front. They are practically begging us to get a crane and a flatbed truck to cart those things away. 

Think of how honest we are expected to be when we go to the movies. We pay for one ticket but in theory, we can sneak into as many theaters as we want once we are inside. We can even pay the child’s price and sneak in our own popcorn and vegan appetizers. Not that I have eeeeeever done that. (three octaves)

And as much as certain people and places rely on us to be honest, we rely on others to be honest with us. I mean, in the U.S. you hand over your car keys to a complete stranger at the valet parking just because he is wearing a vest. (By the way, now you know why I wear a lot of vests and have too many cars.) It’s nice to think we can trust each other. It would be depressing to walk around every day thinking people are lying to us all the time. I prefer to believe people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It’s not easy to find those people all the time, but they are out there. They are usually the people who don’t hesitate to tell you when you look tired or that you have spinach between your teeth. They might be blunt and sometimes they might hurt your feelings with their candor, but honestly? You will in the end appreciate it. 

But especially to mine. I love you, mom. No matter what. And of course, to me.

This is a clarification on how urgently your mom needs to talk to you, based on what she left you on your voicemail.

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie. No big news over here—and no rush to call me back.”

Urgency: I am bursting to tell you HUGE NEWS. (The township finally paved over that pothole.)

– – –

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie, just calling to say hi. Nothing’s wrong.”

Urgency: Something definitely is gravely wrong.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but it’s not important. Talk to you later.”

Urgency: We had to put the dog down. Two months ago.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, how’s it going? We’re good here. I have a tiny favour to ask, no big deal if you can’t—I know you’re busy.”

Urgency: Dad was in a terrible accident and lost a lot of blood. The hospital is out of the unusual blood type you and he share. He’ll die if you don’t come to the hospital to donate blood within the next hour.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, I have a question for you—nothing urgent. Don’t even bother calling back if you’re too busy.”

Urgency: Someone has accidentally pushed the button to launch one thousand nuclear missiles in every direction. Only you know the “abort launch” code, which must be input within the next forty-five seconds to prevent the extinction of all humanity.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie, how are you? I miss you, hon. Okay, love you. Bye!”

Urgency: The second glass of wine just kicked in. Within ten minutes, I will forget I made this call.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Hey, sweetie—nothing big going on, but call me back as soon as you can.”

Urgency: Dad and I are both dead. This voicemail is coming from heaven, where children never screen their mother’s calls and always answer on the first ring.

– – – 

Voicemail: “Call me back right away. It’s an emergency.”

Urgency: Someone I think you went to school with is on the local news.

1. Whilst meeting for coffee you:

a) Spontaneously order brunch

b) Ask me repeatedly about my plans to have another child

c) Gossip about work and colleagues without taking one breath in

2. When you notice the dent in your car you:

a) Frantically tell me to call the police and find out how to file a report

b) Suggest that you had parked in a precarious spot because of the pressure you sensed coming from me

c) Turn it into a larger narrative about how nothing in your life is going right

3. After you send an email to your boss in a moment of anger you:

a) Forward it to me with the words ‘What do I do now?’ in the subject line

b) Send me your résumé and request that I circulate it around

c) Insist that the man I just started dating is not a good choice because the only adequate person in my life is obviously you

4. After I’ve lined up a babysitter, put on make-up and am pulling out of my parking spot, you send a text saying:

a) That you’ve decided you need to save money so you just want to come over and drink “some of that awesome wine” instead

b) That you’re canceling because you and your boyfriend are in the middle of another big fight

c) That you’re changing the meeting place from a movie theater to a Techno club

5. Whenever you tell me I look tired, you:

a) Suggest I call your Pilates teacher to set up a private class

b) Make observations and comment about my diet and vitamin intake

c) Wonder if my son’s early morning waking habits aren’t part of a greater psychological issue

6. When the man I started dating sends me flowers you:

a) Identify the low-end florist who “did a decent job even though they clearly use the same supplier as a bodega”

b) Recall the uber-bouquet you received from a mortgage loan specialist you dated last year

c) Make a list of common allergens against men

7. At the wedding of a mutual close friend you took the opportunity to:

a) Tell me how much I let you down by not attending your sister’s wedding

b) Guess that I’ll be the last one of us three to marry because I’m so closed that it drives men away

c) Reveal that you just made out with the groom and that you’re terrified of it being found out

8. After begging me to meet you at a party thrown by your work colleague you:

a) Reveal that it was all a setup to get me to meet the guy from the IT Unit because you’re certain that he and I are soul mates

b) Call me once I’m already there to say you’re still at home because you can’t find your car keys

c) Get drunk and disappear with that IT Unit guy

d) All of the above

9. Whilst meeting for coffee for the last time you:

a) Frantically search your purse for your cellphone, realize that you’ve lost it and then borrow mine so you can make important calls

b) Frantically search your purse for your wallet believing you’ve been robbed and then lash out at the world only to realize that you’ve left your wallet at home… again

c) Ask me if I think you should marry your “on-again, off-again” boyfriend

d) Ask me to drive you to the airport

e) All of the above

10. When a week goes by and we haven’t spoken you:

a) Tell me that you’re seeing your ex again

b) Remind me of the time you were “there for me”

c) Recount how many friends you’ve lost to new relationships only to have them crawl back to you when it all goes wrong

11. When a month goes by during which our only contact has been through social media you:

a) Book tickets for us to go on a Wellness weekend retreat together

b) Pop by my house with a few bottles of wine

c) Correctly assess that I am weeding you out

12. After I’ve texted the answer to your question, “What’s your exact mailing address” you then:

a) Text me your exact mailing address

b) Text me “Aren’t you curious why I’m asking?”

c) Text me a follow-up question which autocorrect has rendered indecipherable

d) Text me “What’s your exact email address, cellphone, Insta and Twitter name?”

e). Call me

f) All of the above