.SOMETIMES RAW.

• You look really familiar; have I seen you somewhere before?
• I never have more than two (re:slices of cakes)
• Funny story: I actually make a really good girlfriend/boyfriend.
• That’s hilarious.
• That is so interesting.
• That is so funny.
• That’s really funny.
• I really never have more than five (re: slices of cake)
• I basically had a double major.
• I am pretty much running this place.
• I know what you mean.
• Oh year, I think I read this somewhere.
• I love this song.
• I really love this song!
• This is literally the craziest thing I have ever heard.
• I literally cannot eat any more of this.
• I gotta get up early in the morning.
• I have this thing for work…
• I am sorry I haven’t called you: things have been crazy.
• I can’t on Friday. I have things on Friday.
• Just some friends. Seeing some friends.
• You look gorgeouuuuuuuuus in this dress/suit/coat!
• Your hair looks so pretty.
• It fits you perfectly.
• I love that pink lipstick.
• I am ready in like, five minutes.
• I honestly never think about him/her anymore.
• More than ten, but fewer than twenty. (re: relationships)
• It’s a great work party- we should all go. It sounds like fun.
• No, that sounds like a lot of fun.
• You were the handsomest guy there.
• No, I am serious.
• Yeah, they seem really cool (re: work friends)
• I… I love you too.
• I have never felt like this before.
• This moment, right here, is the happiest moment of my life.
• Yes.
• Yeah.
• No.
• Definitely.
• I love them (re:earrings)
• It’s delicious (re:quiche that it too salty)
• I just feel like we get each other in a way most couples don’t.
• I also feel that way, exactly.
• I was listening.
• I didn’t even notice him.
• Just a guy I work with.
• You are reading too much into things.
• He is like a brother!
• It would just be weird.
• I have never thought of him in that way.
• Well, that’s really wonderful.
• No, I am not being passive-aggressive.
• I really think it’s wonderful.
• I don’t know what “tone” you are talking about. I am telling you it’s wonderful.
• I love your friends. You know I love your friends.
• What are you talking about? You are great at parties.
• I didn’t notice (re: weight gain)
• No, I am telling you, you look exactly the same to me.
• I told you red (re: wine)
• I definitely said red.
• I checked the weather before we left.
• I didn’t see your text until I was already on my way home.
• They want it to be just the girls, no boyfriends. I think it’s stupid, personally, but what can you do? I will tell them you said that.
• You don’t need to apologize to me.
• I think the most important thing is honesty.
• It’s fine.
• I am fine. I am great.
• Fine.
• It’s really fine. I told you it’s fine. I am fine.
• Of course, I am happy for you (re: promotion)
• I am thrilled.
• Marvellous!
• I can listen and check my emails at the same time.
• I don’t keep track of those things the way you do (re: who “won” argument)
• I trust you.
• Okay, you are right. I am not just saying that so you will shut up, do you know how degrading that is?
• She seems really nice. I like her.
• It doesn’t bother me.
• Just do whatever you want; I don’t have an opinion one way or the other.
• It was just coffee.
• I think you are overreacting.
• I am sorry.
• I had to work late.
• Why would I lie about being at work? I don’t understand you.
• I actually have no idea what you are talking about. I really don’t. Truly.
• This? Whatever this is? It’s all in your head!
• I told you already twice.
• You don’t know me at all.
• I didn’t mean it like that.
• I don’t deserve this!
• I am just thinking what’s going to be best for you!
• All I want is for you to be happy. That’s all I want.
• I think the problem is I love you too much. Could that be the problem?
• Once everything settles down at work, things will get easier with us.
• If you would just come home, we could talk about this like adults.
• That’s so mean; I do not have one foot out the door.
• Damn it, we can make this work. I want to make this work. I am dedicated to making this work.
• I actually think that fight was a really good fight for us as a couple.
• I am never going to hurt you like that again.
• I love you.
• I love you too.

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your embarrassingly eager interest in our job opening and for getting to know us over the course of twelve rounds of interviews.

We regret to inform you that we have selected another, far more suitable candidate for the role—a starchy ten-pound sack of potatoes, straight from our local supermarket.

While we were impressed with your experience, we all agreed that your energy levels were a bit much for our taste. Your demeanor came across as eager, approachable, and ambitious, while we tend to prefer candidates who are more down-to-earth, dusty, and brooding.

It is potentially worth noting that the hiring manager has a personal attachment to potatoes due to a prized family gratin recipe. We are confident this has nothing to do with the decision.

Given our status as a fast-moving startup, we want to ensure that each new addition to the team helps us achieve our goal of increasing our revenue by 500 percent every two weeks. The sack of potatoes, covered in unsightly green sprouts, has proven it understands the importance of growth.

Although your skills align perfectly with what’s listed in the job description, you do not have specific experience in an additional secret skill that isn’t relevant at all. The potatoes do not have this experience either, but we thought we would just mention that it wasn’t a point in your favor.

Throughout this interview process, it also became clear that a sack of potatoes has certain advantages over human candidates like yourself, due to its lack of thoughts, feelings, and ability to speak up amid a vaguely toxic work environment.

Additionally, with your experience and salary expectations, we’re afraid that our compensation package might disappoint you. Our finance department’s proposed budget for this role will fall short of your desired salary range by at least 98 percent, whereas the sack of potatoes is willing to work with us, with a reasonable expectation of seven Euros per week (to feed their potato family). Consider being a little less greedy and a little more open when job hunting in the future.

For the technical interview, we asked you to complete a wildly overcomplicated strategic exercise in the space of one hour. Your performance was actually quite impressive, so we thought it would be good to steal your idea and use it ourselves. Sorry.

We also HAVE to point out the elephant in the room: You are not a potato or other starchy root vegetable. Yes, you were upfront with us about that fact before the dozen interviews, but we’ve just remembered it, and it’s actually a dealbreaker. We are not sorry.

Thanks again for interviewing. Feel free to try us again in the future, especially if you die and come back as a bag of yellow onions. If you have a chance, we’d love to hear your feedback on your interview experience so we can entirely disregard it. Please take the survey linked here. It should only take forty-seven minutes.

Warm regards,
“Human” Resources

Ladies and Gentlemen,

can I please have your attention for this public service announcement: My new book InFused has been published. It is such an amazing feeling for a book nerd like me to have my own book published and displayed in a bookstore’s bookshelf. I would describe it being similar to giving birth. Which it is in a way, am I right? Minus the baby screaming and whatnot which is also fine I guess. To observe and write is my passion and creative outlet. It makes me happy. It fulfills me even more if people read what I have to say, laugh about it, think about it, and talk to me if and why they like it. Or if they do not like it, which is obviously fine, too. I always love to receive insight on how to make things better.

What the book is about

For several years, I have been carving out a unique literary space, virtually creating my own genre (this is the applied linguist speaking, Dat). The stories may seem confessional, but it is also highly attuned to the world outside. It opens our eyes to what is absurd and moving about our daily existence. And it is almost impossible to read without laughing. But if all you expect to find in my work is the deft and sharply observed comedy for which I am renowned, you may be surprised to discover that my words bring more warmth than mockery, more fellow-feeling than derision. Nowhere is this clearer than in my writing about my loved ones. Taken together, the stories in InFused reveal the wonder and delight I take in the surprises life brings me. No experience is quite as I expected. It is often harder, more fraught and certainly weirder but sometimes it is also much richer and more wonderful.

Like my previous books, I have written essays on my life in general; and ideas on how to create a passionate life for you and the people you love to spend time with. You will find inspiration, health tips, and how to be a better version of yourself.

What I hope to achieve with my book is that you get comfortable, enjoy a glass of beverage of choice, send your kid(s) to bed, and read my book in silence and peace. I hope it will transfer you into a relaxed, thought-provoking, or inspirational mode, make you reflect and most importantly think. Always think outside the box. 

I really want to thank my family, friends, and blog readers, and the support I have gotten to make this happen. I will have book signings coming up in Vienna at independent bookstores. Announcements and dates will be shared on this website. 

Order your copy here, here, or in any bookstore. I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback about the book and of course on anything else you would like to share. 

Thank you for reading my stuff and buying my books. <3