.Red and Green Flags.*

*My red and green flags in relationships and in life. Those who get it, get it. Those who don’t are probably added to the red flag list.

You’ve probably had a friend who started dating someone who really made you scratch your head. The person was flaky, possessive, and high-drama. Everyone could see that it was toxic and really bringing your friend down…everyone, that is, except your friend.

You tell yourself, “That would never happen to me.”

But then it does.

What gives? How do people end up in unhealthy relationships despite warning signs that their partner was bad news to begin with?

Answer: we’re blinded by love.

I am by far not a pro when it comes to dating. I also have done a lot of stupid shit in my life and seen a lot of bullshit in other people’s relationships and marriages but ever since my frontal lobe started developing after my divorce, I have been keeping a running list of things that help me gauge who is cool and who is someone I would have to pay an energy healer to help me cut energy ties from.

I don’t think it is easy to date or meet someone who is not a psycho killer, cheater, alcoholic, homeless guy, still lives with their parents by age 45, has never had a relationship by age 45, doesn’t understand that it is not cool to be stoned all day every day, doesn’t know what a book is… I could go on and on. So, to make it easier for you to date someone and don’t make my mistakes, here is a list of possible red flags. And of course, also some green flags to round it all up. I am just throwing it out there. These tips might come in handy when you decide to hang out with “Mango 87” on Tinder whose hobby it is to go out to get f***ing trashed every day.  

.Green Flags – Go Ahead and Date this Person.

1. Date the person if they have traits such as tact, respect, honesty, self-care, communication skills, avoidance of being overly emotional, being honest with themselves, setting boundaries, and good connections with family and friends; if you can be yourself without playing some dumb role or being fake, and if you are being able to communicate your own needs!
2. Date a person who is listening to a great song in the car and they will pull up to their destination but wait till the song’s finished to go inside. I trust you fully understand the way you move through the world.
3. Date a person who is confident enough and pays no mind to the fact that I’m wearing vintage lingerie as an outfit at like 11 am for some reason. In other words, let me be myself.
4. Date a person who appreciates good food and makes a badass brunch on Sunday morning. Date someone who eats cake with you at all times. Or ice cream. Or chocolate. Watch out for eating disorders!
5. Date someone who you feel comfortable with at all times.
6. Date people who let you be yourself and respect your boundaries.
7. Date people who give you space for your individual goals and interests, separate from each other.
8. Date people who give you a mutual physical and emotional connection.
9. Watch out if words and actions match and if the person takes responsibility for their actions.
10. Date people who respect you and your wants and needs as well as an understanding towards each other’s perspectives (even if you disagree)
11. Date a person who is able to openly discuss goals, values, and needs.
12. Date someone who looks for a commitment to the relationship, in both time and energy. Unless you just want sex. Then obviously this is what you will get.
13. Date someone who respecs you! Respecting each other is so important (and being able to express this to each other).
14. Date someone who will give you balance (you get energy from spending time together and apart).

.Red Flags – Do NOT Date this Person Unless You Love To Suffer.

I don’t want to narrate all the obvious red flags here but I sort of have to because some people accept crazy shit like below on a daily basis from their partners. Stay far away from anyone who shows 1)overly controlling behaviour, 2) lack of respect or trust, 3) Lack of emotional support and accountability, 4) any kind of abuse/ substance abuse, 5) codependency!!!, 6) social isolation, 7) inability to communicate freely, or 8) love bombing when it seems like too much affection from the start or being overly jealous… to name just a few that popped up in my little head.

When navigating the complexities of all this, your instincts act as a vital compass. Often, we ignore these gut feelings, swayed by a new partner’s charm and initial appeal. But these instincts are a critical safeguard and want you to be safe. Initially, everyone places their best foot forward. Nonetheless, pay attention if there’s an unshakable feeling of discomfort or unease. If it feels weird, it usually is! Don’t date this person if…

1. If they are in Federal Prison for Murder. Also, don’t be the pen pal.
2. Lying.
3. When nothing is ever the person’s fault but always yours. ESPECIALLY when it comes to past relationships. If everyone they ever dated was an asshole…you’re just the next in line to be the “asshole”.
4. they have no self-confidence.
5.  People who trash “live laugh love” and who are miserable all the time.
   There’s nothing I wish more than to live, to laugh, and to love. Do I like people who are reminding themselves of what life is all about? Yes! These are all great aspirations and I will defend them until I become them one day.
6. People who consistently take neutral stances in important debates. One time I was in a heated debate with someone over how Romano cheese is actually more delicious than Parmesan and when someone at our table I didn’t really know chimed in and said, “I don’t have an opinion, it’s just cheese.” First of all, JUST CHEESE??? Second, it’s never just cheese, the world is apathetic and boring enough.
7. They sign off their emails with “cheers”. I will not be elaborating on this at this time.
8. People who always and only wear Crocs, don’t eat vegetables, majored in psychology, people who think all water tastes the same, people who take ten years to respond to a text or don’t call back, people who have more than three cups and three plates on their bed in the bedroom with ants crawling all over it,

To sum this up, remember that you can’t force your partner to change; the change has to come from within and if they want to. Also, problems that you notice at the beginning of a relationship tend to amplify themselves as the relationship deepens. Knowing that your judgment is clouded, it’s important to enter any serious relationship with both your head and your heart.

You need to be able to distance yourself from the powerful emotions you’re likely feeling in a new relationship so that you can notice any red flags that might indicate that you’re destined for a relationship from hell. This is even more important if you’re considering marriage. I hope this helps.

And that’s it for now — but I am more than willing to add your green/ red flags if you share them here and they make sense. What do you think?? What are yours?

Stay safe out there and happy dating.