.SOMETIMES RAW.

I was at a friend’s party the other day and the following conversation occurred:

A friend (AF): Have you been watching ….. TV show?

Me: Nope, I don’t watch a lot of series.

AF: Oh, my gosh, you have to. We are so addicted, Wait, you are kidding – you haven’t??? You would love it!!!! Michael, how far in are are you and Julia? Are you all caught up? I am dyyyyyying to hear what you thought of the recent episode when the Secondary Character and the Main Character finally made out!!! Sorry, Daniela, you don’t know what we are talking about but you really would love this show. I, like, kind of want to send you home to watch it. Let’s check out the pilot and trailer now. I would totally watch the entire season again. Chris, can you put it on? Thanks, babe. Here, Daniela, take the best seat. I want you to have a good view and this chair is the best spot. The last time, when Chris started it, he was like, “YOU have to watch this, “but I didn’t get into it at first, even though everyone in the room said they loved it. You really have to stick with it. The first three episodes kind of suck but you have to stick with it. Don’t walk out of the room to get things out of the kitchen or something. Don’t do laundry. YOU HAVE TO SEE THE WHOLE THING. Right Michael? That’s what I was going to say! It picks up around the fourth or fifth episode after they kill off the character everybody thought was going to be the main character in the next season.

Me: Okay. [They turn on Season 1, Episode 1]

AF: [Five minutes into Season 1, Episode 1]. Okay, so, I know that right now it is hard to keep all the characters straight, but they develop so much it is amazing. It is amazing to see that the main character’s sister hooks up with the character who the main character used to date years ago. Then she got pregnant and OHMYGOD. You won’t believe it – they now work together. They have a really cool dynamic that you will feel when you watch the entire season. Then Nick gets introduced to her at the bar. Then things will spice up again. Insane. He is so dumb, too. Not that that matters but I mean it is weird because she is actually in love with Mitch.

Me: Okay. [Sipping on my wine while looking for my phone in my purse]

AF: G-SUS, DANIELA! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE? Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell but I don’t want you to miss anything. You have to watch eight seasons and 24 episodes each. Isn’t that awesome hahaha? We can watch some tonight!

Me: Thinking if it is possible to fake a sudden blindness #readthebookblindnessbyJoséSaragamo

AF: Wait, Chris, my love, did you see that? When we first saw it you didn’t think of the controversial episode? Yeah when we first saw it, we couldn’t decide either. Like, the entire time I kept asking myself, WHY am I watching this garbage but it is so catching and we are so desensitized to violence, but this is how it was throughout that time I guess. I saw that a lot of the critics were saying it was gratuitous, however, I don’t really agree. I think they actually ask us the really hard questions with this show. Like the questions that go to the bottom of things. Like deep. Daniela? Why are you getting up? You aren’t feeling comfortable? I am not letting you leave until we get through the first episode at least.

Me: I just wanted to get another glass of wine from the kitchen. [Thinking about how to escape]

AF: Wait, Daniela, don’t get up. Chris,l can open another bottle of wine if we all want some. Yes? Everyone? Michael, let’s do the Merlot. Everybody wants to watch the show now, right? You know, I have read that this is actually what professional acting is all about. There was a thing in The New York Times about how they observed how the actors on the show lived their private life. Hey Chris, babe, can you grab the Nachos while you are in the kitchen? I SAID, CAN YOU GRAB THE – yep, those. Thanks!

Me: ……[thinking: I don’t want to be here anymore]

AF: I just love destroyed female characters with insomnia. How they are depicted in the show is amazing. You guys like the wine and nachos? Arent’s those good? We just found this “wine guy” who occasionally travels to France and brings back the best Merlot. Anyway, we have another case in the basement. Yeah, Chris, no, I know what you are going to say, but the treatment of women characters in the show isn’t as bad as on “that other show”. Chris and I loved that one, too, even though it is kind of our guilty pleasure for a Sunday evening.

Me: I am tired. It was a rough day. I think I will go home.

AF: Really? Don’t you think the humor is really great and smart? Not everyone gets it right away but it is actually, like, laugh-out-loud funny so many times. I read somewhere that the director was really influenced by The Sopranos and I think I can really feel that, too. Chris and I usually get into fights all the times about patriarch characters. Well, not a fight but rather a discussion or argument. We barely fight. Haha. But I hated him when he said that the main character was “not complicated, and was ultimately doing the right thing in the relationship but his girlfriend would never shut up and narrate and just regurgitate garbage that makes no sense and blow things completely out of proportion”. I was like, Chris, it is not that easy. Keep in mind that the main character really wanted to relax about the entire situation if her partner would have been more of a family person. Then she decided to get a divorce because he chose to go on a Safari to Nairobi to relax.

Me: …..sigh

Michael and his girlfriend: I think my girlfriend and I are tired, too and we will leave now.

AF: Nooooooo, you guys all have to stay. The entire show is like that. The writing is so good, the conversations are epic. You just have to go with the flow. Chris, more Nachos and wine, please. Don’t you see the bowls are empty? G-sus, I am telling you guys, sometimes I would love to kill him, too. [laughs] Michael and Julia: Sh…..h………! No talking, guys. This part is so great. Michael, can you actually stuff a handkerchief in Julia’s mouth and add some duct tape? Hahhaha, just kidding. Anybody wants more Merlot?

“When someone tells me they are getting a divorce, I say, ‘CONGRATULATIONS!’ If you’re doing it, I guess you needed it. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. The best thing that could have happened for my kids. And the best thing that could have happened to my ex. Everyone in my family became who they needed to be from this situation. We all became the heroes of our own journey.” – Eat Pray Love

Many of my readers have noticed that I am divorced. It is not a secret. I do not think it is fair to my ex to discuss specifics on the internet. I also wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized to let my readers know about it here. I want to write this post because many of you have followed our lives from the beginning and because I know some of my friends are going through separations and divorces.

I want to write this post in a way so it may help other women who are going through the same decision-making process. Keep in mind that is is not worth it to spend your life with someone who you don’t love and who doesn’t make you happy for any reason, emotional, financial, kids, cheater, abusive relationship etc.

First of all, no decision to separate a marriage or a long term relationship is easy. And I have to admit that I agonized over it for quite some time but certain things that happened pointed me in that direction that it is the best for myself and my son. While it was a very hard decision, I have to say I have not been this happy with my life for a very long time. It is hard, and it is frustrating at times, but I have a free, happy feeling inside of me that I haven’t felt in years. And it certainly gets projected onto my son.

“Neither of us is happy but neither of us wants to leave so we keep breaking one another and calling it love” – Rumi Kaur

For me, the realization that I was not happy in my marriage came on slowly. I did not know or rather did not want to see what was wrong at first. I felt like I was trapped with no way out and simply unhappy and I wanted something more; something different. It took me months to understand what I was feeling and what it was connected to. And then more time to make a solid decision that I didn’t want to go back and forth anymore. Again, I don’t want to discuss the whys here because it would not be fair to my son’s father. However, the decision felt right. I learned that there is a huge difference between someone telling you they love you and them actually loving you.

At this point in my life, I do not blame anyone and just feel it was for the better. I realized that what I needed to grow and to be a better person and to achieve something in my life wasn’t what I had or what I wanted anymore. Too many things have happened. But in a divorce, especially whenever children are involved, it is important to at least try to agree and stay amicable about everything.

I know that many women out there feel/felt trapped, unhappy with the person they are with, confused and not sure if there is a way out. I felt all those things for a long time until I started making my way out. Sometimes two people just have to separate and move on. For their own sake, for the sake of the child(ren). In some cases, I know that sometimes happy parents apart are better than lifeless, angry parents together.

Wouldn’t you rather be alone instead of being with someone who does not love you or give you what you need? Take your time, listen to your feelings and prepare for your new life. When people found out that my ex and I separated, they were so confused because we seemed so happy together and indeed we were for many years. But in the last years, there was a deep-seated feeling that something was off and it just grew and grew. Things change, people change, feelings change. In my case, this change is a good chance to newfound independence.

As a writer, it is normal to be drawn to the written word, to daydream and to write down sentences that begin with the phrase: “as a writer”. These days, my fantasies center around the publication of my second book and what book cover to use. Of course, as a writer, one of my favorite authors is Patti Smith.

Patti’s book Just Kids has become a staple in every hipster-aesthete’s literary arsenal just because the cover is so goddamn awesome. As a writer, I have often pondered what makes a successful book cover these days, especially in the age of e-books and Audible. Would Daniela Henry’s book Sometimes Raw been such a hit without this cover?

“The real marrow of what makes a great cover is looking at an image and it being able to project out the abstract but important ideas or story that book is trying to convey, “explained Abigail Bergstrom, Head of Publishing Gleam Futures. “A lot of my authors have existing communities, so they have a real instinct and intuition on who’s going to buy the book,” she continued. This increase in agency among authors is reflected in their covers. “I think in the non-fiction space it’s very type-led, especially on issues of gender and women’s voices. They’re being taken seriously in the way that they should be and maybe haven’t in the past. Their covers are looking more authoritative — that’s a word I hear a lot of my authors say — they want to look authoritative. Less millennial pink, more authority.”

Bergstrom says that e-book sales have now plateaued, hinting that people still desire the physical object over its digital counterpart. I totally agree with this. People rarely post pictures of their Kindle book and a cup of coffee on Instagram for example. A book is a symbolic object which makes the picture so much more significant. Holding it, smelling it…. You get my point.

So, what draws you to a book? The cover for one because it speaks volumes about not only the content but how we choose to represent ourselves. How do I choose a design? “Really, it’s not about designing a cover that works for Instagram, it’s about designing a cover that’s going to be saleable through the internet,” explains Bergstrom. “Things like thumbnails on Audible — if you’ve got a cover that has really intricate tiny drawings, that’s not going to speak to the reader.” I heard stories from my writer-colleagues who had fights with their publishers over their cover design. How come? “The tug and war of the creative process is helpful,” says Bergstrom. “It really brings to light the positioning of the book and who it’s for…it’s good to have that ironed out and focused so that everybody’s on the same page before we enter the stage of comms and marketing the book.” For me, it is hard to find a suitable cover. Why? Because there is no specific formula for guaranteeing a cover’s success. “A successful book cover properly captures the tone of the book,” says Joan Wong, book designer. “To me, it’s not so much about making sure the book sells as much as it is about doing right by the writing.”

As a writer, I have to tell you that writing a book is not easy. It is hard work but I love it. I also have to tell you that I am in the final stages and just sent my second manuscript to a publisher. I love it at the moment and then I hate it in others and finally, I get used to it. After finishing a book, often an emptiness results and I write nothing. But I have found it is important to just be patient and go about my business and unexpectedly it will happen again. I know it always does. I will sit down again and begin the next book. This way I am never discouraged.

It does not matter if your dreams come true and you do get published, if agents swoon and audiences cheer. Trust me on this: It truly does not matter! What matters is the feeling that you are writing, every day. What matters is the work, diving in, feeling your way in the dark, finding the words, trusting yourself, embracing your weird (german) voice, celebrating your quirks on the page and believing in all of it. What matters is you, all alone on your desk, your favorite place to write, a place where you know who you are and what you are meant to accomplish in this life. Realize that it all depends on you. If you don’t want it, then to hell with it. Reach for what you love with abandon, with hope in your heart, with fragility, without knowing exactly what comes next. Reach and never stop reaching.

One last piece of advice. Whenever you feed your soul and truly savor what you do with your time, it makes it much more likely that your big dreams will come true. Now write and don’t judge the book by its cover.