.SOMETIMES RAW.

(Artwork by Mamma Andersson, “Leftovers”)

For some reason, there is this sweet restorative innocence to waking up in the morning after a good sleep and discovering that something has changed overnight. It may be the avocado that ripened overnight after I placed it in a paper bag. Or the change of weather when it gets chillier and then super humid again. Or when thoughts have changed because they are allowed to do so. Like avocados. Or when dreams change and bad ones are replaced for good. 

These days, my son and I established a morning ritual that works really well for us. We speak about the dreams we had and in the evening while having supper we talk about the day and what happened. I realized that whenever I ask him what he did in school there is usually the same response every single day. “Nothing”, he responds. But when I ask him what was the most exciting thing and the saddest thing that happened he goes on and on and talks for a long time giving me all the details. (Find out more reading this book) 

There are many times in the evening when I sit patiently next to him on the couch and listen to more stories when he should be in bed already. Then he usually asks me what day it is tomorrow. The other day I told him, “Tomorrow is Thursday. Two more days and it is the weekend. It might rain again tomorrow but who cares because we have our umbrellas and rain boots. Then we may have a playdate with your friend. Then I make us supper and you can play with your trains. My son is always very calm when he knows what is going on; what is going to happen, what is planned and how we spend our time.

I don’t lie to him (except white-lies once in a while; they do not count), but the biggest lie I eve told him or even myself is that there would be time. A couple of years ago I received a message from my good friend in New York: “My husband is in intensive care and about to pass away after a motorcycle accident”, it said. Or my other friend who survived TWO cardiac arrests. Who survives TWO cardiac arrests? It was completely unexpected and I felt how I was about to collapse right there. It made me realize again that everything can end in one single second. Just the thought gave me mild panic attacks. 

So, everything I thought I knew about time changed right there and then. I also thought a lot about the word “forever” or “never” and I still think constantly about them. The odd thing is that as soon as some time has passed the thought of “everything could be over in one second” is not so present anymore. Life continues and everyday duties take over and time no longer feels mercurial, yet consistently urgent.

There is always tomorrow, I told myself. 

Other lies I used to tell myself were that I have time to do X, Y, and Z. Or that being someone’s someone means I have to delay all my desires and patiently wait. Or that I will really do this or that and be dedicated to getting it done yet postpone it again. These days I am thinking, “now or never” which was replaced by “maybe later”. This newfound knowledge to start and finish things and projects that I postponed, was afraid of or thought can wait, motivates me these days and it feels so good. It is all not as complicated as it sometimes seems. I just cannot lose perspective. It may be a little push in the right direction or the realization that I can accomplish anything when I just focus and stay on track. Other times, there is this pressure that is coupled with a somewhat significant f*****-up-ness of having to start all over again at age 37. I am wisening up, realizing what was and what is. Deep and shallow thoughts are disappearing and no longer compose and court me like deep and shallow breaths. I have avoided and not listened to myself for quite some time with such ease that even when obstacles started to present itself, I did not pay attention. My response usually was to simply adapt around it. Avoidance with a mix of smooth restraint can go very far especially when a partner has an obsessive interest in their own stories more than anything else. 

Looking closely at the bigger picture, this time in my life is another great challenge and learning process leading me in a better direction. Considering how I talk about this certain time now made me realize that I simply should stick to present tense. Today is Saturday. The moon is shining. I am writing. I am happy. After all, I am just here, bungling this imitation of life, trying to find new ways to survive. Don’t we all? 

What I usually hear is, “say yes, try something new, expand, go forward, give it a chance,  be open.” There were times when I said yes just to please others which is the worst.  How about I start a season of No because this is simply what I really need. To say, “No!”

The last couple of months I have spent a lot of time juggling quite a few things. Running around, school work, assignments, reading some ridiculous emails, answering a few but not all, a move, fitting things in between things and then add more things while getting used to a new situation and environment. In all honesty, the crazier and busier it is, the more strengths and power I seem to have. Until I crash. Hard! But this usually takes a long time. I like new plans and schedules and I am surprisingly functioning pretty well under pressure. Not when it comes to statistic homework, assignments and spreadsheets.

I lean towards perfectionism. My perfectionism comes with a very strong urge to do everything myself, so it is exactly how I want it when I want it by giving and applying 200% to anything I sign on for or that is assigned to me. A couple of weeks ago I had this feeling that I cannot go on like this anymore.  I slept badly for weeks, I was constantly tired and dealt with a foggy, cloudy brain most of the day. I was exhausted and ran myself down with more errands, self-inflicted stress and everyday life. This was the time, when my body responded to all the stress I had created by simply stopping me in my tracks. And for the first time, I really listened.

I said No to certain people and projects. This was very hard for me because I have this need to get everything done that I signed up for. Saying no felt initially weird but in hindsight, I remember feeling incredibly relieved. I wanted more of that. There was a wedding and a bachelorette-party I was supposed to help planning but I said No to both. I experienced another full-body sigh of relief when that was not on my to-do list anymore. Although I really wanted to do both things to perfection,  I knew for my own well-being that I needed to say No. I continued saying No for some time and released myself from any additional tasks outside of my son, writing, and school and it felt so good. I decided to lean more into that then because it felt awesome.

It is so natural to say yes to everyone and everything, because yes makes people happy, and making people happy naturally makes us happy. It was always yes, yes, yes with me. These days, I ask myself simple questions first before making a decision. First and foremost, how do I really feel about this? Is it really a good idea to say yes? Even though I need time to fully recharge and refocus a bit, life is good these days. My life is calming down and most importantly, I do not lose focus. I know what I want and what I do not want anymore. A major priority I will never skip again.

Other questions I ask myself are if certain things in my life reenergize and inspire me to create or rather hold me down. Whatever I am doing I want to be there and experience it fully. For example, when I am writing, I am writing. I do not have a nanny or a babysitter, so it is my responsibility to use every minute I have (usually early in the morning or when my son is asleep) to maximize my output. Time management is key for me and I became very good at it without tiring myself out.

Everything in life is a choice. I learned that I am in charge of how I spend my time and with whom as well as the effect my choices have on my life. My friend told me the other day that, “you can do it all and give 200%, but you cannot do it all well.” Sure I can say yes to everything, but something’s got to give at some point down the road. Balance is hard, but I figured it becomes easier when I simplify the things I am trying to maintain. The other day, my son wanted a toy at the store and I told him he cannot have it. He looked at me and said, “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes well you might find you get what you need.” I listen to The Stones a lot.

So yes, I believe I CAN have it all if I define what my “all” is. I get to decide, then create it, and have this cake and eat it, too. It is up to me. I know in my life, my “all” included a deep, solid relationship with my son, friend, friends, enjoying the work I do, writing and carving time out for me. I will also add good food and lots of nature, mindful- and quietness. It is all very simple and I refuse to complicate my life anymore.

I bought my son the toy. I mean c’mon he can recite THE STONES!

Actually, not much has changed in my life, yet a lot is going on. I am still sometimes easy-going and sometimes difficult. A woman who startles easily. I still forget to wash an apple before I eat it. I am still annoyed but thankful for this rush of hot air let off from the sides of a bus. I think, “Yes, things could be grosser, hotter and nastier”. The sound of people spitting bothers me. I still interrupt occasionally when people talk but I am getting better at it. I am confused on how strange it feels to receive a postcard – this little card that traveled all the way to my apartment while I wonder how many people at the post office have read it.

I still prefer to count to twenty instead of ten. I love ice cream and the weird sensation of brain freeze I get when eating it too fast and then quickly swallowing it down. I still have the same nightmares but it is getting so much better lately. I still have trouble discerning between solitude and loneliness, and the weird feeling of sadness I get on Sundays; the same feeling I get when listening to Beethoven on a rainy day. I am still wondering why I am initially comfortable and then restless when sitting on grass. I love the size of LP records and want a record player for the longest time. Yet, I do not own one single record. I love when people collect them and play their records. I spend quite some time browsing through record stores without buying any.

Sometimes I am still shocked by how irreversible life is. That there is no going back to this old version of me that existed before. What is done is done, I try not to dwell on the past too much anymore. Or how much life was before I figured out the pleasure of doing absolutely nothing. Or before I figured out that there is no one way to live and to life. Or before I smelled city smog in New York Midtown Manhattan and thought I could never live here yet I rented an apartment for a couple of years and loved it. Or when I wept in my brother’s arms when he had to fly back to Germany because I knew I would miss him so much. Or when I read Marguerite Duras’s The Lover and thought it was the best book I have ever read. Or whatever version of me existed before I moved on, found a new perspective, saw the magnolias in early spring blooming in a somewhat different way – not just pink but rather flowering almost forcefully and ambient letting me know that a new chapter is about to begin.

Weirdly, I get shivers on very hot days and I get annoyed when a Post-it unsticks and comes off my journal. Sometimes I still confuse being misunderstood with feeling some sort of shame and uncomfortableness. I am super hungry when it is not quite lunch time or dinner yet. I love to drink red wine when reading on my couch but these days I prefer camomile tea even though I hated it as a kid and associated it with sickness. I love sitting on a porch when there is lightning, thunderstorm, and rain. Sitting at a dock at the lake watching the stars and the moon makes me happy. I still imagine my brain is the size of a pea when it comes to mathematics, statistics, spreadsheets or when I do not understand how bridges are built over large amounts of water or whenever I don’t get the exact location of countries or continents on a globe.

For whatever reasons I am drawn to the colors violet and lavender. Recently, someone told me, “People don’t change.” Listening to some people feels like hard work trying to retrieve a mutual tenderness that has already fallen from our hands and rolled into a storm drain a long time ago. How unfamiliar it feels to deal with some people or to even look at them. All these unresolved arguments and trying to test the other over nothing that now just feels colorless, sad, unnecessary and creeps back silently when least expected over emotions long forgotten. I am now in this strange possession of a history that often pulls me in different directions that I can manage pretty well. Sort of like a new responsiveness that does not pry.

I can identify now what constitutes a big drama, hot air or the difference between the former and latter. I know how it feels to be hurt. Also, the hurt we cause when we have been enduring too much in silence and have started to trust our own fixed claim that everything is just fine even though it is not. How it lightens but also strikes the heart. I learned that I should not try to change a person. The effort exerted is often ineffectual and rather upsetting. Change, I have learned, rises up like nausea – the simple promise of relief is what makes it all bearable. I learned that I have to be careful of overvaluing what people give and be cautious of how proportioned my ability to love is since I have become rather impressionable.

What I love is watching stars with a person who listens while I don’t finish my thoughts because maintaining completeness all the time grows tiresome. A person so acquainted with my treasury of reluctance, with the lines of my body, with my soul, that I forget I have those, and he forgets he has those and we just melt together into one; while the shooting stars keep shooting. There is no rush.