.SOMETIMES RAW.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

can I please have your attention for this public service announcement: MY SECOND BOOK HAS BEEN PUBLISHED. The title: What if This is Enough? Essays. I love the title and the cover because it just works really well together.

What my second book is about: 

Like my first book, I have written essays on my life in general, about simplifying, about being a mother, about creating that like I am passionate about, inspirations, (mental) health and being a better version of myself. More focus is placed on my life before, during and after divorce. With this book I wanted to cover many aspects of (my) life but also share personal tips how to stay sane through a divorce.

What I hope to achieve with my book is that you get comfortable, enjoy a glass of wine, send your kids out with your partners and read my book in silence and peace. I hope my book will transfer you into a relaxed, though-provoking or inspirational mode and make you reflect and most importantly think. Publishing a book for a writer is a dream come true. Being an avid reader, publishing books was on my bucket list for a long time. It is a great feeling to stroll through bookstores and show my son the books I have written on the shelf. #shelfie

I really want to thank my family, friends, blog readers and the support I have gotten to make this happen. I will have a book signing coming up in Germany and Vienna at independent bookstores. Announcements and dates will be shared on this website. Honestly, I am still totally overwhelmed in the best way possible right now. Today,  I just spent the day with my family and friends celebrating in style.

I was at a friend’s party the other day and the following conversation occurred:

A friend (AF): Have you been watching ….. TV show?

Me: Nope, I don’t watch a lot of series.

AF: Oh, my gosh, you have to. We are so addicted, Wait, you are kidding – you haven’t??? You would love it!!!! Michael, how far in are are you and Julia? Are you all caught up? I am dyyyyyying to hear what you thought of the recent episode when the Secondary Character and the Main Character finally made out!!! Sorry, Daniela, you don’t know what we are talking about but you really would love this show. I, like, kind of want to send you home to watch it. Let’s check out the pilot and trailer now. I would totally watch the entire season again. Chris, can you put it on? Thanks, babe. Here, Daniela, take the best seat. I want you to have a good view and this chair is the best spot. The last time, when Chris started it, he was like, “YOU have to watch this, “but I didn’t get into it at first, even though everyone in the room said they loved it. You really have to stick with it. The first three episodes kind of suck but you have to stick with it. Don’t walk out of the room to get things out of the kitchen or something. Don’t do laundry. YOU HAVE TO SEE THE WHOLE THING. Right Michael? That’s what I was going to say! It picks up around the fourth or fifth episode after they kill off the character everybody thought was going to be the main character in the next season.

Me: Okay. [They turn on Season 1, Episode 1]

AF: [Five minutes into Season 1, Episode 1]. Okay, so, I know that right now it is hard to keep all the characters straight, but they develop so much it is amazing. It is amazing to see that the main character’s sister hooks up with the character who the main character used to date years ago. Then she got pregnant and OHMYGOD. You won’t believe it – they now work together. They have a really cool dynamic that you will feel when you watch the entire season. Then Nick gets introduced to her at the bar. Then things will spice up again. Insane. He is so dumb, too. Not that that matters but I mean it is weird because she is actually in love with Mitch.

Me: Okay. [Sipping on my wine while looking for my phone in my purse]

AF: G-SUS, DANIELA! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE? Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell but I don’t want you to miss anything. You have to watch eight seasons and 24 episodes each. Isn’t that awesome hahaha? We can watch some tonight!

Me: Thinking if it is possible to fake a sudden blindness #readthebookblindnessbyJoséSaragamo

AF: Wait, Chris, my love, did you see that? When we first saw it you didn’t think of the controversial episode? Yeah when we first saw it, we couldn’t decide either. Like, the entire time I kept asking myself, WHY am I watching this garbage but it is so catching and we are so desensitized to violence, but this is how it was throughout that time I guess. I saw that a lot of the critics were saying it was gratuitous, however, I don’t really agree. I think they actually ask us the really hard questions with this show. Like the questions that go to the bottom of things. Like deep. Daniela? Why are you getting up? You aren’t feeling comfortable? I am not letting you leave until we get through the first episode at least.

Me: I just wanted to get another glass of wine from the kitchen. [Thinking about how to escape]

AF: Wait, Daniela, don’t get up. Chris,l can open another bottle of wine if we all want some. Yes? Everyone? Michael, let’s do the Merlot. Everybody wants to watch the show now, right? You know, I have read that this is actually what professional acting is all about. There was a thing in The New York Times about how they observed how the actors on the show lived their private life. Hey Chris, babe, can you grab the Nachos while you are in the kitchen? I SAID, CAN YOU GRAB THE – yep, those. Thanks!

Me: ……[thinking: I don’t want to be here anymore]

AF: I just love destroyed female characters with insomnia. How they are depicted in the show is amazing. You guys like the wine and nachos? Arent’s those good? We just found this “wine guy” who occasionally travels to France and brings back the best Merlot. Anyway, we have another case in the basement. Yeah, Chris, no, I know what you are going to say, but the treatment of women characters in the show isn’t as bad as on “that other show”. Chris and I loved that one, too, even though it is kind of our guilty pleasure for a Sunday evening.

Me: I am tired. It was a rough day. I think I will go home.

AF: Really? Don’t you think the humor is really great and smart? Not everyone gets it right away but it is actually, like, laugh-out-loud funny so many times. I read somewhere that the director was really influenced by The Sopranos and I think I can really feel that, too. Chris and I usually get into fights all the times about patriarch characters. Well, not a fight but rather a discussion or argument. We barely fight. Haha. But I hated him when he said that the main character was “not complicated, and was ultimately doing the right thing in the relationship but his girlfriend would never shut up and narrate and just regurgitate garbage that makes no sense and blow things completely out of proportion”. I was like, Chris, it is not that easy. Keep in mind that the main character really wanted to relax about the entire situation if her partner would have been more of a family person. Then she decided to get a divorce because he chose to go on a Safari to Nairobi to relax.

Me: …..sigh

Michael and his girlfriend: I think my girlfriend and I are tired, too and we will leave now.

AF: Nooooooo, you guys all have to stay. The entire show is like that. The writing is so good, the conversations are epic. You just have to go with the flow. Chris, more Nachos and wine, please. Don’t you see the bowls are empty? G-sus, I am telling you guys, sometimes I would love to kill him, too. [laughs] Michael and Julia: Sh…..h………! No talking, guys. This part is so great. Michael, can you actually stuff a handkerchief in Julia’s mouth and add some duct tape? Hahhaha, just kidding. Anybody wants more Merlot?

“When someone tells me they are getting a divorce, I say, ‘CONGRATULATIONS!’ If you’re doing it, I guess you needed it. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. The best thing that could have happened for my kids. And the best thing that could have happened to my ex. Everyone in my family became who they needed to be from this situation. We all became the heroes of our own journey.” – Eat Pray Love

Many of my readers have noticed that I am divorced. It is not a secret. I do not think it is fair to my ex to discuss specifics on the internet. I also wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized to let my readers know about it here. I want to write this post because many of you have followed our lives from the beginning and because I know some of my friends are going through separations and divorces.

I want to write this post in a way so it may help other women who are going through the same decision-making process. Keep in mind that is is not worth it to spend your life with someone who you don’t love and who doesn’t make you happy for any reason, emotional, financial, kids, cheater, abusive relationship etc.

First of all, no decision to separate a marriage or a long term relationship is easy. And I have to admit that I agonized over it for quite some time but certain things that happened pointed me in that direction that it is the best for myself and my son. While it was a very hard decision, I have to say I have not been this happy with my life for a very long time. It is hard, and it is frustrating at times, but I have a free, happy feeling inside of me that I haven’t felt in years. And it certainly gets projected onto my son.

“Neither of us is happy but neither of us wants to leave so we keep breaking one another and calling it love” – Rumi Kaur

For me, the realization that I was not happy in my marriage came on slowly. I did not know or rather did not want to see what was wrong at first. I felt like I was trapped with no way out and simply unhappy and I wanted something more; something different. It took me months to understand what I was feeling and what it was connected to. And then more time to make a solid decision that I didn’t want to go back and forth anymore. Again, I don’t want to discuss the whys here because it would not be fair to my son’s father. However, the decision felt right. I learned that there is a huge difference between someone telling you they love you and them actually loving you.

At this point in my life, I do not blame anyone and just feel it was for the better. I realized that what I needed to grow and to be a better person and to achieve something in my life wasn’t what I had or what I wanted anymore. Too many things have happened. But in a divorce, especially whenever children are involved, it is important to at least try to agree and stay amicable about everything.

I know that many women out there feel/felt trapped, unhappy with the person they are with, confused and not sure if there is a way out. I felt all those things for a long time until I started making my way out. Sometimes two people just have to separate and move on. For their own sake, for the sake of the child(ren). In some cases, I know that sometimes happy parents apart are better than lifeless, angry parents together.

Wouldn’t you rather be alone instead of being with someone who does not love you or give you what you need? Take your time, listen to your feelings and prepare for your new life. When people found out that my ex and I separated, they were so confused because we seemed so happy together and indeed we were for many years. But in the last years, there was a deep-seated feeling that something was off and it just grew and grew. Things change, people change, feelings change. In my case, this change is a good chance to newfound independence.