.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.”

I believe that it is important to seek out others to learn from and to admit that you do not have all the answers. I look for motivation, examples and guidance in others constantly. I love to read and I do so most of the day when I find some time with my 1 1/2 year old son. Continuous learning is important to me.

The way my son looks at my husband most of the time I believe that he just admires him. That he is encouraged, challenged and enlightened at the same time. With me it is a different story. I am around him most of the time so we are “used to each other”. My husband works in Mali and he sees him every four to six weeks. My son looks up to me as well but still different than he looks up to my husband. They have this strong bond that is just so amazing to watch. Almost as if they learn from each other – while looking at each other.

On a daily basis I choose my mentors and sometimes they choose me. It is just important to seek out for others with qualities you love and respect for your life. A good example is the relationship I have with my husband. I do not take him for granted. I am observant,  learn from him and he is my best friend. I love him so much and I look up to him. What he has done for our family is amazing. My son should have been in daycare by the time he was seven weeks old. But my husband took up on the UN mission in Mali so I am able to stay at home with my son and raise him myself. I am looking up to my husband on a daily basis for so many things. He makes me feel strong when I am weak. He gives me unconditional love at all times and he is there for me always even though he is not physically here. He is my mentor and teacher in many ways that I still need guidance.

Well, sometimes the mentors are person – sometimes they are professional. Or both! Sometimes the relationship is formal or informal.  We have to keep in mind that we are human beings who are made up of many many complex pursuits. We should always seek out to find people who are successful in a field that interests us. How they achieved it, how they maintain it, how they do in their personal life and in the working environment. Also reading books about a topic of interest, then learn about the person etc. Constantly reading 🙂

From my life experience I can say that I have learned that those who accomplish the most have done so with humility in their heart. On a daily basis we pursue influence in ourselves, in our families and in the world. We are supposed to learn form one another. I believe we cannot live and navigate this live without any mentors or anybody to look up to. It is important to admit that you do not have all the answers at times. Pride comes before a fall. Reject prideful arrogance. This arrogance will always prevent from reaching the full potential in life and work.

I know that if I want to make the most out of life I intentionally have to seek out others to learn from. “I know that I know nothing” right?

I have been reading quite a lot on minimalism and simplifying these days. It is a great time to start decluttering a house or apartment now that spring is here. If you look around your house and see all your stuff you will find things you use a lot, items that are just handy or useful or many products you cannot live without or cannot get by without. Also clothes you wear all the time. However, there will also be a lot of junk. Well, you do not go out to buy junk obviously so at the time when you purchased it it was necessary for something but now it is in bags in the garage, in some drawers or closets and maybe even covered in spiderwebs and dust.

Look in your closet. Honestly, isn’t it always the same you wear? Your favorite pieces? And how much stuff hangs in there that you never wore – sometimes the tag is still attached. I know all this because this was my situation. Most important is to realize that there is nothing special about any brand name. Most of the time the clothes are produced in the same factories in Bangladesh/China you name it and it is just cheap quality even though you pay a fortune. Always remember, your clothes do not define you! I always had this feeling that I was how I looked; I was what I wore but this is not true. The idea is not necessarily to have less clothing (even though this is the goal in the long run) but to question yourself why you have the clothing you have. Do you need ALL these jeans, pants, skirts? The problem is that we hang on to a lot of things because maybe we fit in these clothes again, or we need these jars, boxes, cans at some point again.

Less is usually more – even though all you see on a daily basis is that the only sure sign of success is having more. A fancier car, a bigger TV, a bigger house to put even more stuff in or a bigger car. The list is endless.

I remember the time when I arrived in New York to start my “new life”. My entire life fit in two suitcases but I was happy. Of course I had no apartment at that time but it was fine. The realization that I could just pack my little most valuable things and go was awesome. Now with a baby however it is not that easy anymore. But we still manage with ONE suitcase when we travel.

Some people do wake up at a point and see that we are just part of a system. In the “developed world” it usually goes like this: You usually go to school for a certain number of years. Then you get a job, find a partner and then you settle down to raise a family. But in all this time you become a dedicated consumer and you raise other, smaller consumers who will follow in your footstep. I thought about this the other day looking at my son’s toys. He does not have too many because I am aware of the fact that he wants something in the store sooooo badly but plays with it for one or two days and then it is with all the other toys and he does not look at it anymore. What he loves the most is to play with things we work with and use on a daily basis. So why buy him a “kids vacuum cleaner” when he can play with a real one for example?

You go to a store to buy an endless series of so many things that matter to you and you pay carful attention to the brands, things and products that you believe define you and you feel sooooo much better after you walked out of the store with a huge bag of stuff but does all this make you really happy in the long run? Think about if you really need these things. Here I came up with some tips that were helpful for me. Stop buying new stuff. Stop replacing old stuff with new. Just buy less. Ask yourself every time you want to purchase something in a store: “Do I really need this”? Also: Go through all your old stuff first and see what you really need. Do wear ALL your clothes you have in your closet first. Look at all the stuff you have not worn yet. Declutter. I have started by decluttering one item a day. However, maybe you have to start with more. It depends how much stuff you have piled up everywhere. See what you really want to keep – toss the rest. Declutter the easy stuff first. Your closet. Clothing that you do not wear anymore. (clothing you have not worm for one year – toss it! Or clothing you think you might fit in again at some point – toss them! If you fit in a smaller size again you can guy small size clothing) Over-equipping your house. Be realistic about your needs. How many linen, towels, dishes do you need? In the event of an unusually large number of family members or guest arriving you can borrow from friends or family – even neighbors. My husband and I are planning to build our own house and I know exactly how it is supposed to look. Simple, clean and minimalistic. With a lot of wood, windows, air and space.

I have to start this post by first explaining a bit why I am living in Germany and why I am a stay-at-home mom raising my son basically on my own. (with help from my parents of course). My husband is currently working for the United Nations and is stationed in Mali. We do live in Connecticut; however, my parents and I came to the conclusion that it is best for the baby and I to have some extra help and come “home” to Germany.

Being a stay-at-home mom was the loneliest kind of lonely, in which she was always and never by herself. Days and days, hours and hours within them, and days within weeks, at the end of which she might not ever have gotten completely dressed or read any word larger than Chex, any word not ending in -os, formed a sentence or brushed her teeth or left a single footprint outside the house. Just motherhood, with its routine costs of providing a largesse, that outstripped her physical dimensions. —from Barbara Kingsolver’s Flight Behavior

This quote I read a long time ago, but I think it fits for this post. I asked myself many times if I will ever be “young” again or will I ever be cool again? After a couple of months of constantly and solely breastfeeding my mom said once: “Hey, do you want to go to a Spa, sauna, massage…. the whole thing – and I take care of the baby?” (I believe I left the house in five minutes max and I must have looked like a complete mess). Once at the Spa I felt lighter and freer. I felt like me. On my way back home it started raining. Dark sky and silence as I was swallowed up by the rain and storm I suddenly felt angry about this insane responsibility I have created in my life. This lifelong responsibility for a child and probably for the first time it really hit me.

I was not aware that I inadvertently would eliminate all my “me and free time” from my life. At least for quite some time. Even though I am fortunate to have help in my life. But the feeling and thoughts like: “I hope he is ok, I hope he is not screaming his little head off, I hope my parents can handle him” will always be on my mind wherever I am and try to relax. It has gotten better now that he is 17 months old but these thoughts still do pop up obviously. In the beginning I cut out spontaneity for sure and I did not think that it would be all back at some point. Slowly but surely. I have to admit that I felt bad sometimes on how happy I was and still am when I have a small slice of time to myself but I love those times. There are days where I am grumpy (and try not to let it out on my husband), short-tempered and resentful. I was just sad of the loss of my freedom. Thinking back on the vacations I used to take with my husband, the dates, restaurant and even hangovers I used to sleep off. We had a lot of fun. It feels almost like one part of your life is over and another one begins.

I must also mention that I am crying around here but my son is a pretty easy child. He was this little colicky guy for three months as a newborn but this stopped. Of course the sleepless, teething nights but he is just easy to deal with. He is lovely, sweet and now a pretty good sleeper all things considered. I love him so much that sometimes I actually start crying a bit when he does something really sweet. Me and my weird self. I cannot wait to see who he will become, how he grows up.

Many times it hits me and I am just so overwhelmed by the responsibly I have for this little guy for forever. When he will become a teenager, tantrums, smoking, drinking, I find myself wanting to moan, “AAAAAAAAhhhhh, my live is sooooo O-V-E-R!”

And then of course there are moments like this:

A couple of nights ago, putting my son to bed, we curled up and snuggled and he folded his little arm around my neck and I felt his warm body. I told him: “I love you. Give mommy a kiss.” And he did it. With his little breath. And then my eyes got wet, and I hugged him tighter to me. I believe that motherhood is the most bittersweet thing I know. I love how carefree my son is, how content – I just try to be like him. Be a kid again inside. I just cannot let the weight of responsibility drag me down as it does sometimes. But we all live and learn. All I really have to do is try to live my life the way I used to, but include this little guy in everything. (well not the boozing in bars obviously – but since becoming a mom, this is not fun anymore). So I started traveling again, with him. Difficult at first but it does get easier and easier and it is a lot of fun. We do travel quite a lot due to my husbands situation and just because we love it. Road trips were and are our all-time favorite. My son loves sitting in his car seat so no complaints here.

Motherhood is challenging, exciting, difficult at times but in the end it is all worth it. My son makes my life complete. I cannot imagine life without him.