Patience.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

How many times have we heard the saying “Patience is a virtue”! So far in my life I always had this feeling that I would miss out on something if I am not fast enough or if I waited too long. So I need everything as fast as possible obviously. So I raced through most of the opportunities and choices in my life not paying attention to any details. I used to constantly rush through life to achieve and get big things (that are “oh so important” in this materialistic world).

What really important is – is life itself but I did not pay attention to that. What do we learn when we grow up these days? We get something – then we have it, use it and throw it away because it either does not work anymore and we want something faster and better. This makes me feel empty in a way. What I still have not learned was the true purpose and meaning of patience.

So for me I took up writing at a young ago. I always wanted to write. I wrote my little diary when I was a kid but usually thinking to take writing further I am too scared and it is too much work to even start something in the first place – even if it is a blog. Not even talking about writing a book for instance. And then who would read it? There are so many other writers out there. So many who do a better job than I would ever do. I was scared of the amount of commitment and work to just start sitting down in the first place and write. I told my inner self for so long that it will take me forever until I come up with something of value. Or maybe I would never come up with anything.Then I have to mention that English is not my first language. German is.

I sat down one month ago and started writing this blog. I just started and I felt a building impatience. I deleted posts again, I rewrote, edited, deleted. It was constantly like this. Every time I felt I improved a bit I would get angry again and delete the post all over because I thought it was just bad. My body and brain worked independently. I saw myself as a failure. I so wanted to write something of value. Then again, what is “something of value”? If I post anything, it is now valuable for me. However, these feelings of criticism, anger and fear scared me. My husband always was patient and told me to start a blog and do what I love but I kept deleting my posts.

I know that it takes repetitive practice to get better at any skill. Though all these years of deleting things on a blog, crating a new blog, throwing aways writings, I discovered patience. Patience takes practice and it is hard – and is definitely not a virtue. I believe that patience is really to have trust that it all will work out in the end and about having some inner strength and to face your fears and stick to your guns. I gained some confidence slowly and my writing adjusted to some style I liked… I am still working on it a lot but I am able to publish it here now and feel good about it.

So gradually it is getting easier through patience. For me it is easy to just type and type but then I read it all over again and it seems without a concept again. There are perfect moments now that I feel pride and joy when I read what I have written because I learned to write better through patience and a lot of practice and even a lot more reading. And just like this another door opens to a new understanding of life. Rushing around does not get me anywhere. To write anything fast or even just to write something because of this and that does not make any sense. I lost enjoyment and patience of the moment and then did not write anything at all. This way we also miss our feelings, experiences and our individuality to create anything of value. The picture of a turtle comes to my mind now. Moving around with a nice steady natural pace, sure-footed and constant slow moves. Well now, all I can say is that I  love to write and and I am patient enough to master the skill even better and enjoy the journey which is the most important thing.

I have been practicing patience and it has dispelled my fears and it steadily drives me forward. It gives me new ideas, pushes me towards new goals and this makes me more appreciative of the journey and makes me feel more confident. Maybe patience is a virtue but we have to find our own path or route to understand it fully.

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