.SOMETIMES RAW.

*4-Year-Old’s Workday.

8:55 a.m. Arrive at office. Hang jacket on sunshine-shaped hook with name on it. Put snack in cubbyhole. Sing “Good Morning” song with co-workers. Tackle a Sudoku. Google “Best Toy Stores in Vienna” to see what’s new on the market.

9:04 a.m. Forward hilarious e-mail to everyone in address book. Subject line: “Poo-poo.” Skim through all the other emails you received and wonder why you are always cc’d in these informational emails when others get promoted.

9:10 a.m. Take spreadsheets out of Star Wars backpack. Stretch out on floor and begin making notations with crayon. Rearrange desk. Look important by shuffling papers from left to right. Print out funny pictures of coworkers and hang them in your office.

9:15 a.m. Drink juice box. Eat crackers. Look busy. Always look busy. Ponder the seedless watermelon— genius or troubling? Call your mom to say hi. Take a selfie in the huge mirror in the restroom. Send it to friends with the hashtag #suchabusydayatwork

9:25 a.m. Spend hour lining up office supplies on desk in perfect straight line. Toy with idea of sorting them by color but get distracted by imaginary conversation between stapler and three-hole punch. Complicated scenario ensues involving a lion, a puppy, and the mommy Hi-Liter kissing the daddy Hi-Liter.

10:40 a.m. Randy from accounting drops by and “borrows” pen with the springy pink feather on top. Grab pen back. Scream in each other’s faces until Randy takes a swing with copy of Needs-Assessment Analysis. Supervisor intervenes and sends Randy to the smoke room for a time-out.

11:05 a.m. Intend to begin debugging online program for gender equality and nepotism. Get caught up in Polly Pocket website instead.

12:00 p.m. Lunch. Trade PB&J for tuna with Jerry from human resources. Friendly banter about who could take who in a fight: the Poky Little Puppy or the Cat in the Hat. Notice Donna is wearing Finding Nemo T-shirt for fourth straight day.

1:00 p.m. Write up statistical profile of user satisfaction based on regional trends. Entitle report “I Like Stickers.”

1:30 p.m. Naptime.

2:12 p.m. Another Important Budget Staff meeting (that could have been an email) proves unproductive due to constant requests to go pee.

2:40 p.m. Telephone headquarters to discuss department budget for upcoming fiscal year. While talking, draw picture of house. Feel special pride in the way the smoke spirals out of chimney. Tape picture to wall next to trophy for company’s Hunger-Games championship in darts.

3:00 p.m. Attend mandatory Employees’ Committee workshop entitled “Ear Infections Are EVERYBODY’S Business.” Session comes to abrupt halt when manager of finance jams eraser up nose.

3:30 p.m. E-mail from director of marketing: “I’m not accusing anyone but my blanky was in the copy room and now it’s not. I hope whoever ‘accidentally’ took it will please return it, no questions asked. Otherwise I’m telling.” Schedule an emergency meeting on this topic. Invite the entire department, cc everybody else.

4:05 p.m. Ask Marco in adjoining cubicle to stop making “vroom-vroom” noises when he moves the mouse. Squeeze a stress ball.

4:45 p.m. Try to duck out early, thus avoiding mandatory singing of “Cleanup” song with co-workers. Busted by supervisor, who announces that no one is leaving until everyone is sitting quietly. Schedule another meeting, email everybody and discuss this topic. Keep everybody as long as possible.

4:55 p.m. Retrieve jacket from hook. Supervisor helps with zipper. Wave bye-bye to Dave at the front desk. Step into elevator. Press all the buttons.

Let’s just get something straight, right off the bat. By reading this, you, as a human or a super-advanced future dog, are not going to learn how to actually fly. That’s just impossible. Do you have wings? No. Is your butt a jet pack? It is not. I don’t know what the future holds for super-advanced reading dogs, but I’ll bet ten space ice cream bones, or whatever you’re eating, that a jet pack butt is not included. Why do you want to fly anyway? We all know what happened to Icarus. His FACE melted off when he tried to fly. So just get that idea right out of your cute, furry head! OUT, I say! Sit! Stay!

No, this is how to fly IN an airplane. Not how TO FLY an airplane. You need to go to school for that. And my flying school is not yet accredited. This is simply how to be a good passenger and make the most of your time in the air.

While you’re waiting to board the plane, take note of the people also on your flight. Are there any good-looking ones? Of course there aren’t; that never happens. In fact, everyone looks insane because they’re wearing tiny neck pillows. Are you wearing a neck pillow? Ask yourself, Is it worth me wearing this neck pillow in public, just walking around, pretending like I’m not wearing a neck pillow when I am, in fact, wearing a neck pillow? Ask yourself that question three times, just to be sure that you totally agree with your answer.

When you walk through first class, look each person dead in the eye and mouth “asshole.” If you’re wearing a neck pillow, I’m sorry, but you cannot do this.

When the person next to you tries to strike up a conversation, flirtatiously say, “I’d feel a lot more talkative with a drink in me.” And when they offer to buy you a drink, say, “I don’t drink.” Put your head down and cry. If they try to comfort you say, “I could sure use that drink right now.” And they’ll be confused and say, “But I thought you didn’t drink?” That’s when you scream, “You don’t know me!” Guarantee you’ll be left alone after that.

Press your leg against their leg for the rest of the trip. This will maximize your space and let them know that you aren’t really mad at them.

Then order an alcoholic drink and stare at them as you down it in one gulp, letting tears steadily roll down your cheeks. This will also let them know that you’re not mad and are in fact sorry for yelling at them.

When you watch television, do not utilize the buttons on your armrest. Change the channel and volume on the actual screen, with short, powerful jabs. That way, you will have more precision in your channel and volume changing, but you will also be providing a free massage to the person in the seat in front of you.

When the plane lands, clap loudly. Everyone loves this.

When you exit your row, make sure to cut in front of at least three people who are waiting to get out from the rows ahead of you. Because they need a good healthy lesson in “you snooze, you lose.” In fact, as you rush past them feel free to say, “you snooze, you lose” but ONLY if you are not wearing a neck pillow. Because if you are, you clearly subscribe to the “you snooze, you win” philosophy. Listen, there’s a reason “you snooze, you win” is not a phrase listed in the Urban Dictionary. It is both false and not rhyming. Just take off the damn neck pillow.

Have a safe and pleasant flight. And don’t be an asshole.

Wow, you made it through kindergarten; what an accomplishment. Let’s throw a party and make you feel special—you deserve it after all you’ve been through. Those were challenging times, learning to figure out the system that you will be subjected to for the rest of your life. So, let’s start it off right with an undeserved party for making it all the way through one year of drawing and counting and clapping.

Here’s your trophy. You were on the team, and you played in a few games. Coach can barely remember your name, but that’s okay; he got it right on the trophy. This ribbon means you were in the tournament. That ribbon means you got a ribbon for racing. Way to go! Make sure you high-five everyone on your way out, and don’t forget to double high-five your frenemy just to make sure you’re cool. Fantastic effort, you entered and exited the stage as you were supposed to. You’re a star! Here are flowers, candy, and a pizza.

What’s that? Did I just hear that you’re graduating fifth grade? You’re a superstar! You turned 8, 10, 13, 15, 16, 18. Somehow, you just keep aging. That’s incredible, well done. Let’s throw an unforgettable, expensive party just for your birthday! Oh, and there’s no stopping you; you just keep going. You keep going to school and turning in homework that’s asked of you and showing up most of the time you’re supposed to and, amazingly enough, no one knows how you did it, but you did: you graduated high school! The world is yours; keep it up. There’s no telling what you can’t do. Impressive, you’re going to college! Hardly anyone seems to make it that far, and you did- what an achievement. Now, off to do your Master’s in whatever. Maybe even another one after that one. You got approved for loans- bravo! You got a credit card, too. Double cool. You got a certificate! Break out the champagne, you are inspiring future generations. Go take a graduation vacation on that new credit card, you are worth it. Are you proud of your achievements?

Congratulations. You made it to adulthood. Cue the applause. Here’s a debt collector! Here’s a career you’re stuck in, but here’s a discount on your phone bill—since we will expect you to respond at all hours of the day. There’s a mandatory company party, just for fun. Good work, you showed up, here’s a door prize—a company coffee mug. Thanks for coming to the conference. Here’s a folder and a cup and a cookie for your presence. Yum, it’s Tuesday. Here’s a doughnut for coming to work today. You sure seem to be typing a lot and fast. How about we give you this project—you’re just so good at what you do. You’re the best! We couldn’t be what we are without team members like you. The promotion, though, is a different story. We would rather promote someone else. Oh, we know you did a better job, but we simply have to promote the other candidates. Sorry. And we will move you to a different office due to a budget crisis.

So the years will pass. One new tragedy, one new challenge, one new loss. But you keep going until there is only one challenge left. The last step on your way out of this world.

You completed the journey called life, you made it to the finish line even though you’re still 5 kilos overweight. You did it, hurray! Here’s a T-shirt and a whole bag filled with your favorite dark chocolate! You deserve it. You’re amazing! Great job! But did you really succeed? Do you need to be successful in anything? Or were you happy, and can truly say you loved your life? With all its ups and downs? And all the T-Section right-or wrong decisions you have made along the way? All those who led you to where you are today?

The thing is that when it comes to success, there are very few certainties, except that you sometimes have to be willing to work hard, not give up when it gets difficult, and go the extra mile, or don’t and then live with the consequences but don’t complain.

What I’m trying to say is that, in the end, it all depends on how you yourself define success. For me, I went with the achievement of something desired, planned, and attempted, focusing on being and staying healthy, having a good job that pays my bills, enjoying an awesome life, and living in my dream house with some cool souls by my side.

Then, I consider myself a very successful person.