.SOMETIMES RAW.

A friend gave me a book filled with small phrases and truisms that are supposed to be inspirational. And they were. I read them all and promptly added the parts that the authors had left out. Those idioms are always a bit messed up. Like, people tell you to “take the bull by the horns,” but why? It is a bull! Where are you taking it? And if you are going to take it somewhere I am pretty sure you don’t drag it by the horns. The first role of bulls is to avoid the horns. They aren’t bicycle handlebars. They are made for disembowelling. Anyone telling you to take a bull by the horns is probably trying to have you murdered in a very lazy way and thinks you are an idiot. Might as well add: “Take the bull by the horns. Then grab a cobra by the fangs. Take Charles Manson by the balls. Still alive? Fine. Take poison by the liter. Take a bunch of racoons and a toaster in the bathtub with you. Seriously, are you still reading this?

I think it is a good thing to really analyze and fix these truisms because life is not simple or easily changed by small inspirational words. It is complicated. And hard. And sometimes ridiculous. Much like the truisms I ended up with. So I added my own endings into the book and when I was done I passed it to another friend going through a bad time of bullshit and she was like, “This is the most helpful book ever,” and I started to apologize for drawing in it but then she was like, “No, that is the part that made me feel better. No one wants to hear ‘Put on a happy face’ when you added ‘Put on the face of that guy who cheated on you with your best friend. Take his face and wear it around a little. Maybe wear it when you peek in your former best friend’s window at two a.m. Just a suggestion.'”

It was nice to think that I wasn’t the only one who needed a bit more, so I decided to share a few here with you. The truisms are in bold. The rest is my addition. I probably don’t need to clarify that.

Believe in your dreams. …. Unless it is that dream where you are stuck in traffic with three children in the car. They all constantly talk, fight, argue, scream and cry. Fuck that dream.

Only do what your heart tells you. …. Except really it is your brain that is telling you what you think your heart is saying. Your heart can’t think. So basically your brain is pretending to be your heart to manipulate you. So maybe do what your heart tells you but make sure your brain understands and agrees.

Life is like riding a bicycle. …. It is hard and sweaty and surprisingly tough on your genitals. Also, you are going to fall a lot. A lot!

Friends are everywhere. … So are ants. Watch where you are standing.

It is not where you take things from. It is where you take them to. …. But try telling the security guard at the grocery store when you shoplift chocolate and a bottle of red wine to enjoy in your car.

If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to meet it. …. Except, if it is your ship, why is it out at sea without you? Did you not tie it up properly? Are you sure it is even your ship? Because if it is not, that’s piracy and it is frowned upon. I mean, you can barely even steal fish for cats without going to jail.

Live as if it’s the last day of your life. …. Except don’t, because that sounds awful. I would spend all day in tears if someone said I was going to die at midnight. That is like having to have fun at gunpoint. Maybe start slower. Like, live as if it is Saturday even when it is Monday morning and the alarm bell rings.

Be optimistic. See the glass as half-full. … Unless it is half-full of poison or urine. Although technically it would be better to have a glass half-full of urine rather than totally full. Unless it is half-full because you drank half of it because you didn’t know what it was. I think the point here is that we need smaller glasses and you shouldn’t drink things you haven’t poured yourself.

The best thing to hold on to in life is each other. … Or the remote. Or the phone. I am always losing those. But I almost never lose people, because I can just call them and be like, “Where are you? Also, have you seen the remote?” Unless I lose my phone. Then I have to scream until someone comes and calls me with their phone so I can find my phone. So I guess holding on to each other is good too in case you need your phone.

Do what you love even if it means you are broke. … Exceptions: gambling, heroin, prostitutes, alcohol, and most other fun things.

Aim high. … Because your blow dart will lose altitude over the distance to your enemies and you need to account for that. Also, wind directions.

You can fly. … But only metaphorically. You can’t actually fly. I don’t care how many mushrooms you have had. Get off the roof, idiot.

The world is your oyster. …. It is tough to get into and it will cut you if you don’t use the right knife. Also, it is slimier than expected but sometimes you get jewellery. Unless this truism means that you are the pearl and the world is the oyster that you live in? This would kind of make sense because pearls are technically just natural irritants and that is a pretty good description of human beings in the world. Or find me at the oyster buffet!

My candle burns at both ends. …. And that is how fires start. Also, you are dripping wax everywhere. This isn’t even how candles work. What are you doing?

It’s always too soon to quit. … Unless we are talking about smoking. Or spending all your money on lottery tickets. Or being a serial killer. Actually, skip this truism. I need more information.

Don’t look back. … Unless you are changing lanes. Then it is really important to look back. Maybe this should be changed to “Don’t be the asshole who just changes lanes without checking behind you.” Also, use your blinker.

April showers bring may flowers. … And also floodings. And mosquitos. And malaria. But you will have flowers, so that is something, I guess.

Build a ship before you build a bridge. … Or better yet, build a ship out of the bridge. Otherwise, you are just wasting lumber. Then charge everyone who needs to get across the now bridgeless body of water. TA-DA! Now you own a ferry service.

In every man a child is hidden. … Maybe not in every man. Just the one who ate a child. Stay away from that man. He seems dangerous.

You can move mountains. … But honestly, why would you want to? Seems like you can find a better use of your time. Learn how to knit or something. The mountains are fine where they are. I don’t want to have to buy new maps.

Follow your heart. …. But just metaphorically, because your heart is where you are, so technically you could just sit on your ass all day and be following your heart. Although it is nice to keep in mind, because when your partner is like, “HAVE YOU BEEN EATING CHOCOLATE ALL DAY?” you can say, “No. I have been following my heart. Literally.”

Last year, Joel, my nine-year-old son, asked me, “Where are my great-grandmas and great-grandpas?” Both my grandmas and grandpas passed away within a very short time in the past two years. When Joel asked about my grandparents, my first impulse was to avoid the conversation since death felt like such a complicated, painful topic.

Before my grandparents’ deaths, I’d had a lot of exposure to death due to my work as a police officer but fortunately little exposure to loss within my family. As I grew older, I learned more about grief, which (slowly) has helped me live with my emotions. The process made me understand the importance of talking about grief, as it is an inevitable part of life for us all.

So, I didn’t ignore Joel’s question. I researched how to talk to kids about death and then explained to him that they all had died. Now I regularly talk to him about death and what grief feels like. One way we have continued the conversation is by reading children’s books. Here are my five favorites: 

1. The Dead Bird by Margaret Wise Brown (ages 4-7). “The bird was dead when the children found it,” is the first line of the book. A group of friends decide to say goodbye by burying the bird in the woods, as well as singing “the way grown-up people did when someone died.” This book gently introduces the concept of death and mourning to young kids. I have read this many, many times to Fianna. She usually just listens, but she recently asked “If our dog dies, can we have a celebration for her, too?” 

2. The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld (ages 2-6). Taylor builds a tower of blocks but it gets knocked down. Different animals come to offer comfort, like the chicken who tries to get Taylor to talk or the hyena who laughs about it. But the rabbit listens as Taylor works through many emotions. This book illustrates how we can support loved ones by simply being there. Both my girls love this book.

3. Why Do I Feel So Sad? by Tracy Lambert (ages 4-8). Written by a counsellor who specializes in loss, this book shares different reasons why we may feel grief — death, divorce, changing schools, losing friendships — and things kids can do to try to feel better, like moving their bodies, expressing themselves through music and talking to friends. In the end, Lambert also shares advice for parents, including how to talk to children about grief.

4. King and the Dragonflies by Kacen Callender (ages 8-12). In this award-winning chapter book, 12-year-old King loses his older brother, Khalid — and, in his grief, believes Khalid has turned into a dragonfly. The book deals with race, sexuality, friendships and love. I was moved by the bravery the character displayed in learning to love himself, and I can’t wait to read this book to my kids in a few years.

5. When You Trap a Tiger by Tae Keller (ages 9+). When Lily was a child, her halmoni (Korean for grandmother) told her folk stories about tigers. When Halmoni becomes ill, Lily, her mother, and her older sister move in to help care for her. Shortly after their move, a magical tiger from Halmoni’s stories comes to life and Lily is forced to face the tiger while also grappling with the reality of Halmoni’s failing health. When You Trap a Tiger is a beautiful story of illness, family, and learning to find your way.

What are your favorite books about grief? Do you have any grief experiences you hope will be written about?

*when things seem sad, weird or grey.

I have always been a cheerful sort of person, able to find the silver lining in just about any cloud, but sometimes times are rough, and I, or we all need a little uplift when simply trying to remain hopeful does not help. It is important, even in hard times not to lose sight of the beauty and wonder and delight.

The other morning, standing under the hot shower, I decided I needed to make a list of things to look forward to. I thought perhaps other people might need such a list too, and maybe they could collect their own things, and together we would build a whole stockpile. No matter how gloomy the clouds, I told myself, there is always something bright – even if we have to squint to see it. Even if we have to create it ourselves. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. The sun is coming up. President Barack Obama once said, “No matter what happens, the sun will rise in the morning.”
2. Coffee and Cafés.
3. A hot shower. I never take a hot shower for granted and never underestimate its power to make me feel better.
4. Baking something for someone.
5. Hugging a friend.
6. Kissing.
7. Learning something new.
8. A new word. Words like “staffage”, the little figures in a landscape painting; or “hispid”, meaning “covered in bristles.” My goal is to use them casually in conversations.
9. Applause. See a play, concert, etc. Uniting with strangers, sharing an experience, and expressing our joy in collective applause is one of life’s pleasures. Or applaud your partner for a dinner well cooked.
10. First snow.
11. A cup of tea. If coffee is the boost that propels you into the day, a cup of tea is the soft landing when you inevitably come back down. Comforting, reassuring, procrastinating tea. Sometimes the idea of tea will suffice; it is enough just to put the kettle on.
12. Flowers.
13. Listening or songs and singing along.
14. Scattering wildflower seeds.
15. A flock of birds.
16. Patting a dog.
17. Rain. Especially, warm summer rain.
18. Rainbows.
19. Giving a present.
20. Opening a present.
21. A full moon.
22. Skinny dipping. Before we were born, we floated naked in warm waters; then we grow up and put on clothes. Most of us spend the day with our bum on a seat and our feet on the ground. If the opportunity presents itself I shed my clothes and jump into my icy pond.
23. Collecting stones. Heart-shaped ones.
24. Seeing the sea.
25. Rereading favourite bits of a favourite book.
26. Reading. Period.
27. Clean laundry.
28. Clean bedsheets.
29. Moving the furniture around.
30. Reorganising things.
31. Finding something you thought you had lost.
32. Tidying up.
33. Dinner. With my loved ones.
34. Visiting a museum.
35. Finishing something. Like my new book which will be published in July 2023.
36. Falling in love.
37. Writing a letter. We dash off electronic messages all the times, but when we sit down to write a letter, we think more about the person reading it. Will they rip it open and read it right away? Will they put the kettle on and take their time? Will they write back?
38. Receiving a letter. Does anybody, besides me, still write letters?
39. Feeding the birds.
40. Working up a sweat. Pilates, Yoga, Jogging, whatever makes you happy.
41. A drink of water.
42. A nap.
43. Growing your own food.
44. Harvesting.
45. Walking in cemeteries. I walk in a cemetery to remember the dead, to peer into the mausoleums, to admire the mossy stone angels. You might visit loved ones or to wander the garden, to watch for birds, to look for names – for a child, a pet, a character in your new novel? Either way, it is hard not to leave a cemetery feeling alive and happy to be here on earth, grateful for the brief time allotted us, isn’t it?
46. Going somewhere. If we are lucky, we can look forward to leaving our regular lives behind for a while. We might pack a few belongings in a suitcase and go somewhere else for a change of pace, a new perspective, a different scene. We might take a train to the next town or chase the north’s lights across the Arctic Circle. No matter where we go or how we get there or who we meet or how long our stay away is, sooner or later, we will look forward to coming home.
47. Coming home. It is a wonderful thing to travel and see the world, and an even better thing to come home. To unlock the doors and drop your bags and do your laundry and open your mail and put on the kettle and make tea. To kick off your shoes and take a hot shower and climb into bed and rest your head and pick up your book and read half a page and fall asleep and dream and dream.
48. Making a list. If you are in a rut, if you feel overwhelmed by gloom, if you are exhausted and uninspired and out of sorts, you can make a list of things to look forward to. Simple things, everyday things. Things that don’t cost money. Things you can do without leaving the house. Things that bring you pleasure. Things that you don’t want to take for granted. Things that may never actually happen but are fun to look forward to all the same. And if you make such a list, you can share it with a friend, and it might make us all feel better.
49. Seizing the day. For all this talk of looking forward, most of the things on this list can be done right now. If we make the most of today, we will have a better future. If we view time as a gift, we will be less likely to squander it. If we look for beauty, we will sure to find it. If we help our neighbours, it will lift our spirits. If we finish something, we can begin anew. If we open our minds, we will expand our brains. If we plant some seeds, there is a chance they will sprout. If we pick the flowers, more will come. If we use up our ideas, we will think of others. If we remember the dead, we will feel more alive. If we are kind to ourselves, we will be kinder all around. And if all of this fails and it is one of “those days”, then there is always tomorrow. No matter what happens, the sun will come up. You will see.