.Men 101.*

*from a woman’s (my) perspective.

Forgive me, but being a guy is so easy. Purchase some Kiehl’s products, a little Bumble and Bumble in the hair, a nice coat, sunglasses, Chuck Taylors, and you are hot. Here is my incredible resumptuous guide to being an awesome guy, inside and out. Mostly out, for who am I to instruct you on inner improvement? Let me say here that if you are some kind of iconoclastic (a person who attacks settled beliefs) dude who goes by the beat of your own drum, you will find this insufferable. I totally understand this. But why are you reading this at all? Shouldn’t you be hiking the Appalachian Trail right now or something?

  1. Buy a well-fitting coat from J. Crew. Or wait until Christmas sales are raging and buy a designer one. Black looks good on everyone (Obvious Law Enforcement) and matches everything, but charcoal grey is good, too. You can always look like a put-together Obama speechwriter with a classy coat. Oh, and get it cleaned once a year. Sounds prissy, but a good cleaning can return a coat to its true awesomeness, and make you look as snappy as you did on the first day you wore it.
  2. Have a signature drink like James Bond. It is silly, but I am always so impressed if a guy has a cool to-to drink. Obviusols, if it has a ton of fancy ingredients, like puréed berries or whatever, you can look a little bit like a high-maintenance weirdo, so don’t do that. If you like Scotch, have a favourite brand. It makes you look all self-actualised and grown-up. (You don’t have to say your drink order with the theatrical panache of James Bond. That’s for close-ups.)
  3. Own several pairs of dark-wash straight jeans. Don’t get bootcut, don’t ever get skinny (Leslie!) – just a nice pair of Levi’s, without any embellishments on the pockets. No embellishments anywhere. At all. Nothing. Oh my God.
  4. Wait until all the women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off. Look I am not some chivalry nut or anything, but this small act of politeness is very visual and memorable.
  5. When you think a woman looks pretty, say it. But don’t reference the thing that might reveal you are aware of the backstage process: e.g., say, “You look gorgeous tonight,” not “I like how you did your makeup tonight.” Also, a compliment means less if you compliment the thing and not the way the woman is carrying it off. So say, “You look so sexy in those boots,” rather than “Those boots are really cool.” I didn’t make the boots! I don’t care if you like the boots’ design! We are magic to you: you have no idea how we got to look as good as we do.
  6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in the kitchen or at a party, just start helping. Same goes with dishes. (Actually, if you don’t want to help, you should ask them if they need help. No self-respecting host or hostess will say yes to that question.)
  7. Have one great cologne that is not from the drugstore. Just one. Wear very little of it (Leslie!), all the time. I cannot tell you how sexy it is to be enveloped in hug by a man whose smell you remember. Then, anytime I smell that cologne, I think of you. Way to invade my psyche, guy! Shivers down spine central! One more thing to mention here: Don’t stink. Shower, brush your teeth, use deodorant, smell nice.
  8. Kiehl’s for your skin, Bumble and Bumble for your hair. Maybe a comb and a haircut. That is all you need. And when girls look in your medicine cabinet (which they will obviously do within the first five minutes of coming to your place), you will look all classily self-restrained because you will have only two beauty products. You are basically a cowboy which means hot.
  9. I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes. (Sneakers to work out not counted). A nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors. The key, of course, is that you need to replace your Chuck Taylors every single year. You cannot be lax about this. Those shoes start to stink like hell. They cost forty euros. You can afford a new pair every year. And if you cannot, why can’t you? Yo have much bigger problems. Stop reading this and go deal with them.
  10. Bring wine or chocolate to everything. People love when guys do that. Not just because of the gift, but because it is endearing to imagine you standing in line at a delicatessen store before the party.
  11. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you are not strictly a jealous guy. Too much, and it is frightening, but a possessive hand on her back at a party when your girlfriend looks super hot is awesome.

This should do it. I will show myself out.

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