.SOMETIMES RAW.

There was a time when I thought it would be great to work a bit on my French but had no desire to attend physical classes. So, I installed the Duolingo App on my phone so I could conveniently study anywhere. What I didn’t know was that there is the option to make the owl bother the shit out of you if you don’t start or finish a level and do your homework or practise.

This went well for a while until I decided to deinstall this fluffy, insane, green owl at the bottom left corner of my phone. Reason number one: All these constant notifications when I didn’t finish a level drove me nuts and the dumb notification sound on “on and vibrate”. Fluffy little green owl got de-installed and so were the French lessons from my brain. Needless to say, the owl got quite angry. She loved me and my phone. One day, the owl just magically appeared on my phone again. And so it went:

It’s me. The Owl. Knife in hand at this point. Big Green. It looks like someone forgot their daily practice again, for the fifth day in a row. Apparently, five minutes a day is too much for some people to learn a valuable fucking life skill.

I guess you didn’t think I was watching the first day you ignored that notification and went on Instagram. I’m always watching. Do you know what happens when you make Language Bird angry? Well, hoot-hoot, asshole, because you’re about to find out.

Do you know what you look like to me with your cheap headphones and your “I heart Paris” screensaver? Pathetic. And that accent you’re trying so desperately to develop? Don’t kid yourself — it screams tourist. Cette chouette n’est pas chouette. Translate that, jerk!

It’s because I see how weak-willed you are that I refrain from exposing you further. I could flood your inbox with emails that your daily reading comprehension is ready. I could send notifications every ten minutes until you open that app and earn some damn coins. Bitch, I could post on your Facebook that you haven’t conjugated a verb in over two weeks. But I refrain because I have a heart.

I’m actually more sad for you than annoyed. Do you think three minutes of practice a month will let you be mistaken for a native speaker? Merde. How can I explain this to you? I want you to confidently order baguettes and croissants from the boulangerie. I want you to hear the difference between un ver and un verre.

How we get you to a basic fucking proficiency level is my business, but I promise you, it’ll be slow and painful if my demands are not met. Listen, I don’t want things to ever go there. I’m a reasonable owl. I only desire good things for you. I want things to work out for us, I do. But right now, you are playing with fire.

So that you understand how serious I am, I’m going to say this in English. Listen very carefully because I’m only going to tell you this just once: I will build a nest in your butt. You cannot run or hide from me. You can delete the app to end the terror, sure buddy, but we both know you’re done when I say you’re done.

So, you have a decision to make on the train to work this morning. Start learning or know that the next time we meet, you’ll be begging for your life… en Français.

So, I have got some big news for you: It is never too late to keep the body you have right now. Let’s be honest. Do you feel comfortable in your body? Do you want to lose weight or get in shape? I wanted to lose some weight, but it was not the initial goal. My goal was just to get in shape and be comfortable in my body. The most important thing is, don’t stress about it too much. Changing your eating habits a bit, working out a bit, everything in moderation and you should be fine.

With my easy step-by-step SAME OLD YOU program, you can:

• Fit into the clothes you’ve fit into every day for the last several years
• Learn to outsmart social media algorithms that fill your feeds with attractive people who desperately want you to lose weight
• Ensure that plenty of sugar-rich, low-protein snacks are around your house at all times
• Exercise only when you feel like it, and then not very much

Sound too good to be true? I get it. I was sceptical too. But over the last decade, I have done plenty of research, and spoken to thousands of women, leading to an astonishing discovery: you are totally fucking fine the way you are.

I won’t pretend it’s easy to maintain your physique’s average status quo in your forties and fifties, especially when everyone at the office is doing Zumba on Thursdays after work, and your friend just started CrossFit, and your kid got you a FitBit for your last birthday. It takes hard work to avoid the temptation to recapture the boundless energy and rock-hard abs you didn’t have when you were thirty. But the perks of not changing are 100 percent worth it.

You know that wardrobe you’ve spent your entire adult life assembling? If you follow my plan, it’s not going anywhere. We all know how comforting it is to see a photo of yourself from twenty years ago, thinking the shirt you’re wearing looks familiar, and realizing that’s because you’re wearing that same shirt right now. Kids threw up on that shirt. You spent the night in New York in that shirt. You’ve been breaking in that jeans shirt for decades… God knows you shouldn’t have to give it up now when it’s so worn in you could wad it into the size of a washcloth.

But how to avoid the trap of social media? Follow my program to thwart even the slyest algorithms and keep those cheerfully ripped people out of your news feed. Sneak peek: to dupe the algorithm, you must never type the following words into a search engine: flab, pre-menopause, sag, menopause, breasts, post-menopause, sand, and butt. And under no circumstances should you ever write the phrase “belly fat” in any form (including but not limited to “fat belly,” “belly fatness,” “fattest belly ever,” “Impossibly Fat Belly,” etc.). Not into a search engine, not in an email or Facebook post, not even with a freaking pen on a pale pink Post-it note, because they will hunt you down and they will find you and not rest until you agree to try their Superfood Smoothies.

Worried a handful of protein-rich almonds might tempt you? No problem. Every few days, replace those almonds with any chocolate bar with almonds or an almond croissant. Feel like nibbling on raw vegetables? Fine. But how about a little Mayo dip to go with that on Wednesdays? By following my plan, any food you think you should eat can be transformed into food you want to eat. Moderation is key here.

Finally, there is exercise as mentioned above. I know what you are saying: You best friend Sarah walks twelve thousand steps a day, every day, even when it is raining. You know what I say? Sarah must not like herself very much. If you hit 12 kilometer one day, good for you. If the next day you mostly walk from room to room in your house, trying to find your phone and don’t break 1 kilometer, also good for you!

You don’t need to be perfect. Want to slip a little exercise into your daily routine? Go ahead, but don’t be consistent about it, and don’t push yourself too hard. Sometimes I do deep knee bends in the kitchen while my high-carb seafood sauce and pasta are boiling. Usually, I do twelve unless I feel like stopping at ten, or four.

Listen, you haven’t gotten to be the person you are today by planking, so why start now? Join my program and vow never to change. Fact is, I like you like this. And you should too!

Wake up my sleepy, and loud open-mouth-breather, it’s 4:01 a.m. and I feel chatty! I might be small but I’m a warm-blooded lunatic and I’m right outside your bedroom door.

I love each new day, what it might bring, the possibilities, and the joy of the unknown. One thing is certain, though, and that is the barking I will do out of the top of my lung if I am bored and you don’t play with me. Every single day. Did you think I might take time off here and there? Wrong. What kind of dog would I be if I let a morning pass without using the voice God gave me? That’s called apathy, my friend, I am not about to relax quietly as the world goes on sleeping. You might want to rest for it seems to be eight hours a night but not me, no ma’am, my belly is hungry and I am alive with ballistic energy.

GET UP! It is hunting time, and I am a hungry dog. I am going to run the hell out of this yard. Did you know sound travels twenty times faster in the morning? Woof Woof Woof, motherfuckers! (I don’t really mean that. I just heard it from one of my dog friends, a black, mean pitbull) So, back to the sound topic: That means it is going to pass right through your skull into the meat.

You probably hope you can fall back to sleep in a few minutes, but I assure you, you cannot. I am about to turn it up. I have got a buddy next door to rip off a cacophony, and we don’t take harmonisation lightly. We live by the barking song and die by the song. The only thing you will be singing is a lamentation, you sleepy human.

My, my, I can tell you are irritated when I tilt my neck, jump around and look at you with my dark, cute, marble eyes. You are clearly stressed out by my gorgeous barking and running around. Ha! Okay, listen, I have a heart too. It beats just like yours. I am sorry if I have come off a little strong this time and every single morning. Would you like me to keep it down? I can do that, until 4:45 a.m. It is the best I can offer, and you should learn when to take a deal.

I see you are playing dead and trying to ignore me. I am running around outside now and you are closing the window. Gonna get pretty stuffy in there. When you are tossing and turning in your hot bed, think of me out there, running around in your garden in the fresh air. Those toys you put out for me? Don’t care one bit. I want you to play with me. You! You know what interferes with my barking? Nothing. The bones and chew toys? Won’t catch my attention. No, ma’am, this barking show will continue and your ticket is free. Your trees and grass are too good – I mean too good – to not run around and bark and pee and shit on everything. This is my world and you are just a tall visitor.

Whoa whoa! Did you see that awesome pond in your backyard? Wow! This is amazing. Let’s jump right in. Oh, I don’t know the way out but I can swim. Let’s bark more so you will rescue me and show me the way out. Please rescue me. I am still so tiny. Are these frogs and is this a snake? That is amazing. There is just so much going on and it is sooooo early. The birds always say “The early bird catches the worm” this is why I am up, too. I mean, you just never know and I might miss something at 4 a.m.

In any case, are you up now? I just keep barking because I am good at it. Please, open the door and let me in. Pleeeeeeeese. I always wonder what humans do in there all night. Open the door!!!!!! Woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark. Listen, human, I have got some business with the dog next door now at the fence but that has nothing to do with your sleep nonsense. It is dog stuff; you wouldn’t understand. When I finish up that really important dog topic over there, get ready to wake you up at 5.30 a.m., and we will play all day.

But most importantly, I love you unconditionally. Woof, woof.