.SOMETIMES RAW.

Do you own a car? Do you have kids? Do you like road trips? Do you want a car that does not look like a nuclear meltdown after your kid(s) get out? Then please read on.

Multitasking is hard enough on its own but eating while driving is in a whole different league. The same insane league as driving while your kid(s) are hungry and need to eat. A sticky league. A crumbly league. Lucky for you, I have a son who loves car rides, is also hungry all the time and wants to eat in the car so I am an expert on car eating advice for kids and adults alike. I am not a “BMW-driver-who-does-not-let-anybody-eat-anything-in-my-car-because-the-car-is-so-fucking-fancy-expensive-and-designed-with-leather-interior-that-cost-an-extra-4000 euro”- person and my child is allowed to eat in the car. Because I eat in the car. While driving. Not spaghetti-seafood-lasagna previously preheated in the microwave before we leave the house, but a chocolate croissant is definitely a possibility.

Also lucky for you, I (either driver or in the passenger seat) will answer some questions my son has about eating food in the car. And there are lots of them.

How far should the passenger go in helping the driver eat?
It’s never too far to feed the driver, especially when there are nuggets in need of a dip in honey mustard. As the passenger, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep both those hands on the wheel. Another nugget? Feeding suggestions: Gummi bears, an apple, sausages, and a sandwich.

Is it okay to spit my cherry pits out the window?
Depends which direction the wind is blowing, but why not spit them into an old plastic cup like it’s a spittoon and you’re a hardened brothel madam who’s seen things she can’t unsee? That’s my go-to persona when eating cherries. Then dump the pit cup in the garbage at the gas station—they take forever to decompose.

Am I the only one eating sushi with chopsticks?
You’re not! It’s compact and bite-size, and the soy sauce splatter blends perfectly with synthetic leather interiors.

Is it acceptable to peel and eat hard-boiled eggs?
No. Danger. Peel the egg before you go and eat it then too so you can sprinkle fresh salt on every bite. I love car food, but sometimes I wonder if our delusions of efficiency begin to cloud the simple joys of reality. Eat that cold, wobbly egg like you should, over the kitchen sink. You don’t always have to multitask.

When eating in the car, what’s your table: the passenger seat, the dashboard, or the center console?
What kind of roast chicken feast are you eating in your vehicle? Your LAP is the table, my friend, so get to work on those quads, they’ve got a burrito bowl to uphold. If you must get elaborate, let’s buy a 12 Euro steering wheel desk on Amazon. They’re practical and a little depressing, like the job that requires you to eat in your car. Use while parked only.

Is there a food category we need to ban from the car?
There’s something about chips dust, and intact Cheerios about to be crushed into dust, that makes me feel they should be banned. But apparently, kids must eat to stay alive, so that ban is going nowhere fast. Like me behind the wheel.

What to do about car crumbs?
I have floor mats in the car. My car is always coated in something. I say let the crumbs fly, and when the need arises, just hose down everything.

Taxi drivers frown upon eating while riding. But what if I get really hungry?
Usually, no snackin’ in the cab. I once asked my cab driver in New York, Myles (no joke), whether I could eat in his car and the next thing I knew, he was divulging one of his darkest secrets: a curiosity for the taste of human flesh. Suddenly, the restaurant he took me to and where I was eating the food was harder to swallow than usual.

So, overall, avoid MESSY, SLIMY, AND SMELLY, FOOD in the car.

What are the best snacks that create the least mess? (everything MUST be in a Tupperware container!)

• Cereal bars
• Sliced carrots, and cucumbers.
• Presliced apples but NEVER raspberries
• Fruit & Go Squeezers (though other issues may arise)
• Grapes
• Apples
• Swedish Fish/non-sour gummies
• Pretzels
• Cheese Sandwich

This will get you and your child(ren) safe from A to B without you losing your f***ing mind. Do you need more?

Read my article on smelly food on the subway.

Do you feel that chill in the air? Do you see those leaves gently gliding down from their branches to pile up and decompose together? Do you hear that bubbling sound of some vegetables, meat, and broth simmering together? That’s right, it’s Soup Season, and I won’t let you forget it until the jingling sleigh bells of Christmas forces me to radically alter my personality again.

You may remember me as the person who got really into grilling this past summer, the person who wouldn’t shut up about plants last spring, or the person who hates the Winter Olympics. Now it is time for me to become completely insufferable and into soup, with a brief pause to go into some filthy details about proper “Gansl” roasting in November.

The world seems to be in complete chaos at this point. It is more important to gender and differentiate everybody and everything in the LGTBQ+ community while I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about gas prices and skyrocketing electricity bills. At this point, I think of that as a delightful Parmesan cheese garnish on the butternut squash soup that is my new autumnal lifestyle. When I get home, I leave all this insanity outside and cook myself into my own little food heaven.

Did I hear you sniffle? Don’t deny it, now you are going to get approximately twenty servings of chicken noodle soup, but I replaced the chicken with mushrooms, the noodles with beans, and the chicken broth with a flavourless vegetable stock that I made with veggies that by all rights should have been composted long ago. It is a family recipe. If I say that enough, it becomes true.

Oh, you broke your leg? Well, a hearty stew should help with that. Stew is like soup, only I save money because I can just throw in all that bulk steak I bought last summer during my Grill Phase. It has been in my freezer long enough to earn tenure, but some cultures love to age their beef, so this stew is actually rather exotic if you think about it.

Are you going through a divorce? Now it is a bit bad of me, but I just made a big pot of Italian wedding soup, so why don’t you swing by my house for a glass of wine and a big bowl of soup? I recently managed to imprison the ghost of Joseph Albert Campbell, founder of Campbell’s soup company, in my kitchen so we can get a bit rowdy and chase him around for a bit.

I would love to talk more, but my bulk order of chicken bones is about to come in. If you want some stock, just let me know; I have two chest freezers at work filled with the stuff. You’ll have to move quickly, though. Once the dulcet tones of Mariah Carey fill the supermarket air, I will completely forget everything I know about soup in favour of exceedingly elaborate tree and house decorations, painstakingly crafted gingerbread houses, and presents that you will just love (based entirely on the one piece of information about you that is stored in my brain in a sort of panic room, endlessly attempting to stay alive against the onslaught of seasonal personality shifts). Or like simple parenting is an oxymoron.

*Time flies!!!! Always keep that in mind.

Note to all parents and people trying to get pregnant on this planet: Parenting is NOT easy! EVER! It just slowly changes into more insanity! Many times it is not fun and it is a lot of work. A LOT OF WORK! And kids are expensive! On the other hand, it is also fun to have these rascals around because they come up with the craziest things. This for example:

Joel’s Dinner Suggestions

A French baguette, but only the inside — NO CRUST, unless it is freshly baked. (Is this the French in him?)

Seven slices of cheese

A frozen waffle, cooked

A frozen waffle, raw

The ricotta layer of an entire lasagna

Anything cheese

Half a stick of butter

Four very specific Oreos, separate the chocolate layers and lick the creme first

Pizza

Applesauce through a glass straw

Sushi

Bananas

Muffins

Organic blueberries

A cheese quesadilla dipped in maple syrup

Gum, swallowed

Carrot sticks, not swallowed

Cucumbers

Chicken noodle soup with crackers, minus the soup

The jelly half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Toast cut into four triangles: one with butter, one with jam, one with mayonnaise, and one with pepperoni

Pizza, just the sauce

Pasta with meat sauce

Around the edges of a cheeseburger without ever actually biting into the meat

Hot Chocolate

Ice cream

Pancakes

Broccoli (still as much as possible)

Count Dracula cereal

Pasta

More Pasta

Parmesan cheese

One bite each of three apples

A grilled cheese sandwich, served with a cup of apple juice so he can soak the sandwich before eating it

Spaghetti bolognese with the sauce rinsed off in the bathroom sink after he pretends he needs to wash his hands

Cheez-bites aged in the car seat for three weeks

Birthday cake even though nobody we know has a birthday coming up

Chocolate

Cupcakes

Small cookies eaten from a bowl on the floor like a dog

The dog’s actual food. Just try it once

Sour cream that he thought was ice cream and continued eating to save face

Those little packets of coffee creamer they have at a café

The poisonous red berries on those bushes outside

Cheerios and milk eaten from the coconut cereal bowl, and if you can’t find the coconut cereal bowl you might as well go kill yourself

Soap and my shampoo

Ketchup licked off a matchbox car because it dripped onto it while eating (who cares about

Ketchup on everything

Chips, but only with salt and pepper

A bite of whatever you’re eating, even if you’re both eating the same thing