.SOMETIMES RAW.

I have to start this post by first explaining a bit why I am living in Germany and why I am a stay-at-home mom raising my son basically on my own. (with help from my parents of course). My husband is currently working for the United Nations and is stationed in Mali. We do live in Connecticut; however, my parents and I came to the conclusion that it is best for the baby and I to have some extra help and come “home” to Germany.

Being a stay-at-home mom was the loneliest kind of lonely, in which she was always and never by herself. Days and days, hours and hours within them, and days within weeks, at the end of which she might not ever have gotten completely dressed or read any word larger than Chex, any word not ending in -os, formed a sentence or brushed her teeth or left a single footprint outside the house. Just motherhood, with its routine costs of providing a largesse, that outstripped her physical dimensions. —from Barbara Kingsolver’s Flight Behavior

This quote I read a long time ago, but I think it fits for this post. I asked myself many times if I will ever be “young” again or will I ever be cool again? After a couple of months of constantly and solely breastfeeding my mom said once: “Hey, do you want to go to a Spa, sauna, massage…. the whole thing – and I take care of the baby?” (I believe I left the house in five minutes max and I must have looked like a complete mess). Once at the Spa I felt lighter and freer. I felt like me. On my way back home it started raining. Dark sky and silence as I was swallowed up by the rain and storm I suddenly felt angry about this insane responsibility I have created in my life. This lifelong responsibility for a child and probably for the first time it really hit me.

I was not aware that I inadvertently would eliminate all my “me and free time” from my life. At least for quite some time. Even though I am fortunate to have help in my life. But the feeling and thoughts like: “I hope he is ok, I hope he is not screaming his little head off, I hope my parents can handle him” will always be on my mind wherever I am and try to relax. It has gotten better now that he is 17 months old but these thoughts still do pop up obviously. In the beginning I cut out spontaneity for sure and I did not think that it would be all back at some point. Slowly but surely. I have to admit that I felt bad sometimes on how happy I was and still am when I have a small slice of time to myself but I love those times. There are days where I am grumpy (and try not to let it out on my husband), short-tempered and resentful. I was just sad of the loss of my freedom. Thinking back on the vacations I used to take with my husband, the dates, restaurant and even hangovers I used to sleep off. We had a lot of fun. It feels almost like one part of your life is over and another one begins.

I must also mention that I am crying around here but my son is a pretty easy child. He was this little colicky guy for three months as a newborn but this stopped. Of course the sleepless, teething nights but he is just easy to deal with. He is lovely, sweet and now a pretty good sleeper all things considered. I love him so much that sometimes I actually start crying a bit when he does something really sweet. Me and my weird self. I cannot wait to see who he will become, how he grows up.

Many times it hits me and I am just so overwhelmed by the responsibly I have for this little guy for forever. When he will become a teenager, tantrums, smoking, drinking, I find myself wanting to moan, “AAAAAAAAhhhhh, my live is sooooo O-V-E-R!”

And then of course there are moments like this:

A couple of nights ago, putting my son to bed, we curled up and snuggled and he folded his little arm around my neck and I felt his warm body. I told him: “I love you. Give mommy a kiss.” And he did it. With his little breath. And then my eyes got wet, and I hugged him tighter to me. I believe that motherhood is the most bittersweet thing I know. I love how carefree my son is, how content – I just try to be like him. Be a kid again inside. I just cannot let the weight of responsibility drag me down as it does sometimes. But we all live and learn. All I really have to do is try to live my life the way I used to, but include this little guy in everything. (well not the boozing in bars obviously – but since becoming a mom, this is not fun anymore). So I started traveling again, with him. Difficult at first but it does get easier and easier and it is a lot of fun. We do travel quite a lot due to my husbands situation and just because we love it. Road trips were and are our all-time favorite. My son loves sitting in his car seat so no complaints here.

Motherhood is challenging, exciting, difficult at times but in the end it is all worth it. My son makes my life complete. I cannot imagine life without him.

I have a lot of hair. Always had. Thick, strong hair. I have done a lot of “experiments” with my hair as well. Dyed it, permed it you name it . I cut my hair really short at some point and I do not regret it, but I wouldn’t do that again since it just does not suit my round face. You live you learn, moving on….

Growing up I was a Pantene and Herbal Essence girl. I just loved the shampoos and conditioners. They made my hair so soft and the smell was great. At some point I started changing my eating habits as well as my habits on what I am putting on my body. I slowly started making the switch to natural and more vegan products.

Before I start I also have to mentioned that the type of water that is in the area you life is a thing to consider. (soft water/hard water). Another thing is that I tried several “natural” shampoos and conditioners as well and they all made my hair look damp and all tangled up. I tried the “vinegar/and baking soda- method” (no-poo method) but it does not work for me. I do not like the smell of vinegar in my hair and I try to go without these products as well.

All I am using now is WATER. The switch has not only made my hair look better but actually made it even thicker. I am well aware that everyone’s hair is different – as well as everyone’s water but this is the most natural way that works for me. I try to keep it natural and balanced as much as I can.

So this is my hair routine: I wash my hair with water ONLY every 5-6 days. I let it air-dry and then comb it. Combing the hair with a boar bristle brush is the key. They are a little expensive but do get a good one. Comb your hair in the beginning 2-3 times a day. The hair has to get used to the whole “no shampoo” thing first.

Your hair will be greasy at first. Get over it. Put your hair up. Keep it up in a bun and wait. It will get better. Think about what you have done to your hair over all these years putting all the chemicals in it constantly.

I am not using any products on my hair but water. I am not against dyes, shampoos and whatever else, ( I would not recommend them) but to each their own, in my world. Using shampoos to strip your hair of oil does not make your hair less oily, in the long run it actually creates more oil. If you think the “water only wash” is disgusting then do not use it. Easy. It does work for me and I am sharing my experience and give food for thought. Constantly stripping your hair of its natural oil, causes your body to make more oil to overcompensate for oil loss. Same with you face by the way. All the hair really wants is natural oil and your body wants balance and not to be tugged and repressed by added hormones and cremes and such.

As I mentioned before the most important thing in the transition as well as after is “brushing your hair”!  Be gentle while you do it. Take your time. I comb my hair out after when I washed it for about five minutes. This is like a massage to the scalp as well. You take your boar-bristle brush and just comb the sebum (from the root of your hair) out into the length. Then sideways, then from the back to the front. It all takes time. Think about how long you have washed your hair with regular shampoo. For years and year. I have done the same thing. If you still want to use shampoo then at least try to avoid: SLS, sulfites and parabens. These are just really bad ingredients. You can also use vinegar if you want to use conditioner. In a jar next to the shower, I have a mixture of 1 part apple cider vinegar to about anywhere between 5 to 8 parts water for a long time before I went for “water only” but I did not like the smell after a while. Or baking soda/water-mix for shampoo. Stick with the same shampoo rules: avoid the bad stuff and buy cruelty free as often as you can.

Update: So these days I am still mainly washing my hair with water but I am also using these products now and then:

Khaki Product are quite expensive but you do not use a lot so it works out well – even my hairdresser uses it: www.naturfriseur-nicole-reiter.de