Lately, many couples I personally know are getting divorced. With some, I was really surprised and sad; with others, I congratulated to the decision. I am by no means an expert in relationships, but I have been around, and I know by now what I want and don’t want pretty clearly. These are the strategies that work for me. You know, always spiced up with some humor and sarcasm, but you will get the point, I hope.
Limit overlapping interests
This might sound counterintuitive, but trust me, it is correct. Real conversation from the other night when I foolishly interrupted my boyfriend’s intense, concentrated scrolling with some straight-up bullshit:
him “have you seen the reel of the Poland invasion in 19……blabla?”
me “What? Have you seen the invasive plant species that is choking the oak tree next to the compost?”
me (awkward silence)
her (irritated silence)
both (happily return to our separate interests)
Befriend their friends but not too too much. Do not rely on your partner for all your social needs.
Separate your bank accounts
Of course we have one that we share, but that’s not the one I buy my stupid bullshit out of. He isn’t even the kind of person who would dig up the receipts like “Why did you spend one hundred and fifty euros on books”? Or “Why do we have all these different cakes and chocolates?” Or “Is it necessary to buy more plants?” Or “Do we really need another bookshelf?” Or “No, we don’t need another couch and a matching carpet with it!”
Sometimes go to bed at different times (or sleep in a different room if one snores, for example!)
Spend quiet, quality time alone. This is totally fine. Set clear boundaries when you need space.
Have a real conversation about the temperature at which you maintain your home. Closing windows when it is too cold, don’t close them or keep them wide open if it too hot. Don’t suffer through this. Share your true opinions.
Don’t agree with everything the partner says or does. They are not almighty! Maintain your own self-identity.
Get two smaller pizzas instead of trying to agree on one big one. Maintain your own independence.
I don’t want fresh corn, I don’t want serrano chiles, I don’t want asparagus, I don’t want roasted cherry tomatoes, I don’t want bacon, I don’t want fig jam, I don’t want buffalo sauce, I don’t want hamburger, I definitely don’t want hot dog (??), I don’t want raw onions, I don’t want brussels sprouts, I don’t want alfredo sauce, I don’t want eggplant.
Read different books and then talk about it
Don’t listen too closely when the other person is talking; then they’re always a little mysterious to you
Have a suggestion ready when you broach the difficult question “what do you want for dinner?”
“Where should we eat tonight?” is another fucking landmine, so come prepared
Vacation separately sometimes (you simply don’t have to do eeeeeverything together)
Only have low-stakes microfights (a mini-fight a day keeps the maxi-fights away)
Don’t move shit that isn’t yours! I am still working on this one!
Speaking of microfights, one of my favorite ones is “You put away that thing I left in a common area that annoyed you, and now that I can’t find it I have no other choice than to purchase another one.”
Gossip a lot (because it is fun)
Get some pets so you can always say “hey look at the dog” if you need something to say
One jokester is enough! There is only one clown allowed in this circus; someone has to be the ringmaster! (everyone hates the “funny” couple)
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS (don’t be in the other person’s business at all times!)
Concede first and quickly if it’ll shut down a conversation you don’t want to have
You know when you have a talk that’s not necessarily a fight, but is definitely not a casual chat? Like, it’s serious but not deadly serious? I never want to have those; there’s always something stupider and more fun I could be doing. So as soon as I feel a “hey, can i talk to you for a sec?” brewing I am heading it off at the pass like, “you’re right, i’ll do that, thank you” or “you’re right, I didn’t do that, I apologize” or “you’re right, whatever you want to do about that is fine, you know best” and then the shit is over and I can go back to doing whatever I want to be doing, which is never ever talking about whatever this bullshit is!!!!
Anything you would add? What tips do you have to stay in a relationship?
