On Sunday, I will turn 45 (gulp!). When did this happen? The older I get, the more I realize that I want to give birthday parties a second thought and change things up a bit. Like celebrate just by and with myself at a Yoga retreat or with my lovlies far away from people in peace and quiet. Without stress, without huge birthday preparations, satisfying everyone but myself because who has all the work in the end anyway? So, this year I will escape. Because I can.
I recently read (and loved) Julia Turshen’s letter “40 bits of advice” that she shared when she turned 40. It gave me the idea for this article.
I’ve been nervous to publish this, because who am I to offer life advice?!? When I told a friend about this article his response was, “45 pieces?!? That’s way too much advice,” which made me crack up and also feel very old.
The below are things I’ve learned that work for my life, not necessarily anyone else’s. So please, take them with a GIANT grain of salt and know that I still feel quite clueless. But these hold true for me.
On Friendship
1. We don’t make friends, we recognize them. With the closest friends I have, I didn’t have to try. They appeared in my life, and I recognized them immediately. Being friends should be joyous and easy, not hard.
2. If you want to make friends, do an activity that you love. You will find your people there. For me it’s hanging out in bookstores, books and writing. Also, I don’t trust people who gossip about people they still hang out with.
3. Old friends are the best friends. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have had my best friend Veronika for 42 years so far. Even though we don’t see each other so often. But whenever we do, it seems we have never been apart. Nurturing friendships with people who have known the little-you is so important. I think getting back to that person I always was is a hugely important part of life.
On Gifts
4. Keep a note on your phone and jot down any time a friend mentions something they like, or you have an idea of something to give them. It makes it much easier to give thoughtful gifts around holidays and birthdays.
5. I think it’s important not only to be a giver, but also to be someone who can receive a gift (or a compliment, or help). I know a lot of people who are wonderful gift-givers, but they can clam up when you give them a gift.
On Aging
6. It happens fast and out of nowhere.
7. I recently read that you are only as young as you are flexible. Cool! I am super flexible. But I’m working on it (running, Yoga) because I do believe this sentiment is true.
8. When I hear the term “thinning hair,” I thought it meant going bald. I inherited super thick, strong, and healthy hair so no worries there. But I don’t put any chemicals (dyes, straighening, gels, lotions and potions) in my hair at all. Just keeping them as natural (no blowdryer) as they are works really well for me. Less is definitely more.
9. I take a B-vitamin supplement daily, eat whole foods as much as I can and stay away from anything processed. Less is more here, too.
On Relationships
10. Marriage is overrated. Staying together with the person I love without this piece of paper works well for me.
11. For me, the number one most important quality in a partner is that they make you laugh, that they are honest, and a little bit crazy.
12. I do believe opposites attract. I think sometimes you end up with the one person who has everything you lack and therefore, knows how to push every single button you have. In my head, I try to frame it as “This person was put here to teach me something I need to learn.”
13. Ask for what you need! Nobody is a mindreader.
On Money
14. Have separate bank accounts. Avoids a lot of fights.
15. If you can, pay yourself first. Put money in a savings account at the beginning of the month. Put away money for your kid(s). Do it when your kids are little and be religious about it. When unexpected payments appear out of nowhere (they always do for some reason) you will have money to pay for it and it doesn’t hurt as much.
16. I’ve found it’s better to save up for a really beautiful item I’m proud to own vs. buying something less special. I end up saving money in the end because I use the piece I love so much more often and keep it forever.
17. Minimalism works really well for me.
18. Energy is money. If you are excited about something, you will naturally have energy for it. Good energy and true passion lead to success, I find.
On Stress
19. Don’t borrow trouble. Don’t add more stress and problems to your plate. Don’t worry about shit you don’t need to. Don’t create problems where they don’t exist. Life is hard enough.
20. I’ve found Yoga to be meditative. Discovering something you can do that makes you fully present and clears your mind completely is so beneficial. Could be an exercise class that’s so hard you can’t think, could literally be actual meditation. Whatever it is, it’s very important to quiet your mind.
21. This parable has saved my mental health multiple times.
22. Let go of bullshit! In the most stressful moments of my life, this phrase has looped over and over in my head. I’m more of a spiritual person than a religious person, but sometimes things get so stressful you need to simply let go. You can’t control your way out of every situation. Do the best you can and then let it go. Picture getting tumbled by a wave. Fighting against the wave is a losing proposition. Only when you totally release do you float to the surface.
23. Focus on what’s working.
24. Even during the dark times, don’t forget to bloom.
On Life
25. Everyone is fighting a battle, and we might not see it. I try not to assume everything is the way it looks on the outside. Everyone could use a bit of grace.
26. Assume positive intent.
27. Have an attitude of gratitude. If you find yourself complaining, annoyed by a situation, try to fill a whole page with only positive aspects. There really are always flowers for those who look for them.
28. Hurt people hurt people. People who treat you poorly, act cooler than you, exclude you, are mean, etc, aren’t happy. Try to remember the way people behave is about them and not you.
29. You can’t please everyone. I am super sensitive and grew up prioritizing other people’s feelings. I get hurt when people say something mean, or especially if they assume I did something that I didn’t intend to do. I fail when I stray from my value system. The times I’ve rightfully gotten down on myself were those times I behaved in a way that was not aligned with my core values. So I try to stick to what I believe in at my core. And if someone has a problem with that, then I have to be ok with it.
30. Keep it cute. You will never regret being kind. This is what I remind myself, especially when someone has royally pissed me off.
On Motherhood
31. People can sometimes make you feel like shit if for example breastfeeding doesn’t work for you. It’s not intentional, but the smugness is sometimes there. Here’s the thing: after about two years of age, no one is breastfeeding anymore, and it can’t be lorded over you. Keep going, believing in your situation. Whatever works well for you. Your version is not better than any other form of feeding, and people who make you feel bad if you can’t or don’t are insecure in themselves, and it has nothing to do with you.
32. When I was struggling with my son people often would say to me, “Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems.” I wanted to drop kick them. I was SO tired, so stressed. I could barely function. And you’re telling me it gets worse?!? The first bit of advice is DO NOT EVER say this to a parent of young kids. The second bit of advice is that it’s true. Young kids are more physically exhausting. Older kids are more emotionally exhausting. I find it’s more enjoyable to be tired with cute babies than to feel like someone took my stomach out of my body and is stomping it into the ground as a parent of an older kid. That’s how badly it hurts when your kid is struggling, or when other kids are mean. Being a mom is hard no matter how you slice it.
33. Spend time with yourself. Your life is not on a complete hold, just because you have kids.
34. Motherhood is the toughest, challenging but also nicest thing I have done in my life.
On Work
35. The nuts and bolts of the job are not your only job. It’s also important to be personable, friendly, and easy to work with. A lot of people forget this part. If you’re an intern, be bold and introduce yourself. If you’re shy, pick your head up and say hello in the hallway. If you’re senior level, offer to grab coffee for someone else. I think about 60% of doing a good job is the literal job functions. 40% is the soft skills.
36. Come from a place of “yes.” Try to find a solution.
37. Don’t stress out over nothing. Usually, nothing is eaten as hotly as it is cooked. Wait, relax, and let time pass.
38. Talk like a human. Forget the jargon and swear a little. Use the words “shit and fuck” sometimes even though your middle school English teacher feels it in their soul like a voodoo doll. And shoutout others when they have really good ideas, regardless of whether the idea included the words “Mandatory Online Training.”
On Writing
39. Scan your piece for the words “always” and “never” and remove them.
40. Less is more. Writing “I am powerful” is more powerful than writing “I am very, very powerful.” Make sense?
41. Here’s a bit of writing advice that applies to nearly everything in life: the specific is universal. For example, if you tell me you loved a meal you ate, it won’t have much of an impact on me. If you tell me about the chicken pot pie your mom made you with carrots and a flaky crust, I relate to it more. In life, this is true too. The more specific you are, the more personal, the more you connect with others. Seems counterintuitive, but it’s true.
General Advice
42. You feel misunderstood. Everyone is misunderstood. Don’t worry about other people understanding you. Aim to understand yourself. Nothing else will matter after that.
43. Accept yourself. If you can’t be happy with yourself, at least accept yourself as you are right now. You can’t change yourself if you don’t know yourself.
44. Slow down. Lao Tzu: “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”
45. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to doubt. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Allow yourself to change your mind. Allow yourself to be imperfect.
Thanks so much for reading through. Happy birthday to me! Wow, 45 years on this planet! Off to new adventures.
I hope there’s something that resonates with you, and I’d love to hear any favorite advice you live by, too!
